Post by Josh Spicer on Sept 8, 2009 15:01:13 GMT -5
Hawaiian Hardhead Pictures
and Strangely Erotic Productions
proudly presents to you
Gonna Lose 2
A scene is seen coming into play. Sitting a table is a man with a hat on to hide his eyes, but is also wearing a trench coat. This is a stormy night with lightning blasting through the windows where another man stands. This man is smoking a cigarette and is also wearing a trench coat.
Second Man: I shouldn’t be doing this.
First Man: I have the money.
Second Man: OK, but-
First Man: Then here you go!
The first man then throws a briefcase at the man, who simply moves out of the way, letting it crash out the window. It then lands on the front doorstep below, opening the case and causing it to fly everywhere. The light in the room suddenly turns on and a door opens. In the doorway is a girl of about seventeen. The second person is revealed to be wearing a striped shirt, a ref’s outfit, while the man at the table is Hawaiian Hardhead.
HHH: *Sigh*, what do you want Stephanie?
Stephanie: Uncle Frank called again; he wants to know if you have plans for dinner.
With another, HHH looks over at the ref.
HHH: Bernie, this is my daughter, Stephanie, Stephanie, Bernie. Honey, just tell Frank I’ll him back.
Stephanie: Whatever.
She then closes the door behind her. Hardhead looks over at Bernie, the ref, before opening a drawer on the desk and taking out a stack of money. HHH then throws it at the ref.
HHH: Here, oh and take this cool hat.
He then tosses his hat towards Bernie, which then flies out into the storm outside.
HHH: Ah, dammit. Well, Bernie, I wish you luck on your journey back, but either way, I have somewhere to be.
Bernie: I can’t do it!
HHH took off his trench coat, revealing his street clothes, and then stopped at that line, turning around to look at Bernie.
Bernie: I can’t do it, here, take it, take it all back.
He then tosses the wad back to Hardhead, who simply drops it to the ground.
HHH: Bernie, what are you doing?
Bernie then mutters random words before jumping out the window, landing on the porch. He then throws the trench coat to the ground and runs away to his car before driving off.
HHH: Ah man, now I’m gonna have to actually try to win.
A day passes, and a word on screen appears that says “Day 1 (The Day After What You Just Saw)”. HHH wakes up from his bed, wearing some boxers with pink hearts on them. He walks past the jumble of junk and walks past a calendar, revealing it to be Wednesday. HHH opens his door and arrives in the bathroom, after walking down a hallway next to some stairs. He completely ignores the fact that his son is just walking out of the shower and that he left the door open.
Derek: Dad, I’m showering here!
HHH: Were showering son, and I’m trying to see if I need to shave. Nope!
Hardhead walks out of the bathroom and closes the door. When his daughter arrives behind him, she touches the doorknob.
HHH: Oh, don’t open the-
It’s too late as she opens the door to find her brother without a towel. She quickly slams the door and runs off back to her room in her PJ’s. Hardhead then looks up at the ceiling, as if up to the sky.
HHH: Why did you ever have to die Carlene?
Hardhead goes back to his room and gets dressed in his average jeans and shirt, as well as sneakers. He eventually exits and makes his way down the stairs. In the kitchen, his son and daughter are enjoying a nice little breakfast until he arrives. When they do, they stop eating and follow him out to his car, taking their book bags with them. After arriving at HHH’s really nice Ferrari, they all three hop in.
After riding for a good long time, the two arrive at their high school in this awesome city of Tampa. They both get out and say goodbye to Hardhead. After he drives off, HHH eventually makes his way to a convenience store. He gets out and opens the door, walking straight to the freezer in the back.
After arriving, we see his lawyer, Drake, his brother Frank, his on and off again friend Chuck, and his “student” per say, Wes. The four are all sitting on random freezer stuff like patties or a box of fries. HHH sets himself down on a freezer box after closing the door. The five of them are silent for a good two minutes before Drake speaks up.
Drake: I give, Jack, why the hell did you call us here?
HHH: Because we have a major conundrum.
Wes: Man what the hell does that mean?
Chuck: A problem, and what?
With a sigh, Frank speaks up as well.
Frank: Jack, look, if this is about that whole Ian thing, it’s long gone. It’s been a good month dude, he’s dead, get over it.
HHH looks at each of them one by one for a few seconds before getting out a piece of paper from his pocket. He unfolds it and reveals it to be a letter.
Chuck: What the hell is that?
HHH: I got this in the mail the same time I got Ian’s letter. It’s from that Johnson guy.
The group look at him curiously, especially Wes and Drake.
Drake: Wait, what Johnson guy?
HHH: You do remember Ian, right?
Wes: You mean that f**ked up guy who always wanted to kill you for some reason?
HHH: Don’t cuss, but yes.
Chuck and Frank look at each other before they both nod. They then both look over at HHH, and nod.
HHH: Well, he captured the three of us last month, yeah, not a big deal right? He sent us in another…
One Explanation Later
HHH: Then I got the letter.
Out of all four of their faces, Drake’s in the most humorous, having a look of betrayal, confusion, interest, and annoyance all mixed into one comedic expression.
Wes: Man, I never get to go on any of yo adventures.
Chuck: I wouldn’t really call them adventures; we’re kind of usually forced into them.
Hardhead sighs and looks at the letter again.
HHH: I called him soon after I read the letter, and I told him I’d do it.
The whole lot of them reacts with one of disappointment, with Wes mainly saying how unfair he is. Hardhead eventually stops them all with a loud scream. They do, in fact, stop, but not because of his scream, because they’re confused.
Frank: So why did you invite us here bro?
HHH: Because I’m allowed to take three people with me.
With another sigh, again, he looks around at the four of them, and ends at Wes, before reverting back to Drake.
HHH: I’m sorry Drake.
Drake: Are you f**king kidding me?
HHH: Nope.
Drake tries to look at Frank and Chuck for support, but manages to just get a look of happiness mixed with guilt.
Drake: I thought I was part of your little gang, but no, don’t include the f**king nerd in your little p***y gang.
He stands up and looks around at the group, stopping at HHH.
Drake: I hope you go to f**king jail and never get out.
He then opens the freezer door up and then slams it shut.
Frank: How did he ever get into this gang?
HHH: Dude’s beast when it comes to the law.
Wes then moves where Drake sat and got himself situated. The other three in the group look around awkwardly for a bit. They then get up after a few minutes and exit the freezer. When they exit the door, a group of people standing in mafia outfits (leather jackets, black pants, cigars), are seen waiting by the counter. They then head back towards the freezer, with Frank fist pounding one of them.
Frank: That was a really good jacket by the way.
The One Mafia Guy: Told you he was the best.
Hardhead’s group of peeps then exit out the convenience door and reach they’re car.
Half An Hour Later
HHH’s signature Ferrari is seen pulling up to his house. He, as well as Wes, Chuck, and Frank get out and enter his house. Hardhead walks towards the kitchen where Stephanie and Derek are seen. They sigh when the rest of the adults walk in.
Derek: Where are you going now?
HHH: A little trip, we should be back in time for CyberSlam. But, this is a big risk here, but Stephanie; I want you to watch the house.
Derek: Why not Drake?
That name just makes the group shudder a bit. Hardhead looks a little bit saddened, but answers his son.
HHH: Me and Drake had a falling out…
Stephanie: I’m not ready to watch the house.
HHH: Honey, you’re seventeen, if you’re not ready to watch the house then I’ve failed you both as a father, and trust me, that’s the words I’d never say except to explain this sentence.
The group and his kids look around the room until Stephanie sighs.
Stephanie: Fine, I’ll do it, but I expect to be paid.
HHH: Whatever, just don’t let Derek get into the cookie jar until it’s ten, got it?
Stephanie: Yeah, sure, whatever, just, where are you guys going?
With another sigh, Hardhead just ignores the question.
HHH: Numbers are on the fridge. I’m just gonna go get some s**t and we’ll be off.
He rushes out of the kitchen and up the stairs. After he’s gone, Wes walks up to Stephanie and checks her out a bit.
Wes: How you doin?
He says, adding in a head bop.
Up in HHH’s room, he’s packing some random s**t in a suitcase before throwing it over his shoulder. He then walks out of the room, but walks back, noticing a peculiar shaped transparent penis hanging out of his wall. The penis then starts to lunge at him, who then holds up a cross shaped dildo from his dresser. The penis then goes back, revealing it to be Tom Davis.
Tom Davis: What, my fabulous d**k was too much you use that dildo?
HHH: Ha ha, what do you want Tom?
Tom Davis: Isn’t it obvious, I wanna come with you, silly.
Hardhead ignores him, rolling his eyes and heading towards the stairs.
Tom Davis: Ah come on!
Tom starts to follow him. When HHH reaches the kitchen, Chuck and Frank make an “ah” noise and throw up their arms when they see Tom Davis.
Wes: Damn, what the hell is that?
HHH: His name is Tom Davis, and no you’re not coming. Why? You’d be better off not coming.
Tom Davis: But I like coming.
Hardhead then heads out for the car. He puts his case in his trunk and then shuts it before heading back into the house. When he arrives, he grabs his keys, pointing at the people he’s referring to.
HHH: Tom, if you come, you have to promise to stay away from our asses, and don’t piss the guy we talk to off. Stephanie, don’t burn down the house, don’t let your brother touch anything sharp, and don’t go out on any ruckus parties. You can hold one here but make sure that Derek is in bed by 10:30.
Derek: Dad, I’m 15.
HHH: Derek, there’s a Playboy underneath my bed and I bought some Aloe Vera. That’s lying on the bathroom counter. Oh, and there’s a video I think you’d might want to see. It’s in a bag on my TV. Alright, let’s move people!
Wes: Shotgun!
Frank, Chuck, and Tom: Ah man!
On The Road
The black Ferrari is seen driving down the road with everybody in the car, but Wes and Tom, singing “Margaritaville”. When it hits the final chorus, Wes switches the station to allow “X Gon Give it to Ya” to hit the radio. He starts rapping along to it as well. Eventually, Tom switches it again, allowing for “Barbie Girl” to start. He then starts singing along to the song while everybody gives him an awkward look. With a shrug, everybody then starts to sing along, even Wes.
Eventually, they turn onto a long stretch of a highway in between two fields of corn. Upon driving for what seems like hours, they reach a rest stop which they pull into.
HHH: Alright people, first break. Tom, get the gas, only go to 50 bucks, everybody else follow me.
Everybody who’s not Tom gets out of the car and follows HHH inside. When they arrive, a chick who’s about to fall out of her top is at the counter. Wes stops and starts flirting with her.
Wes: How you doin?
He accompanies that with the head bop.
Cashier: You’re like what, sixteen?
Wes: I’m sixteen and a half dammit!
Chuck comes up and hits him on the shoulder, telling him to follow them, which he then does.
The group opens a back door and find themselves walking into a dark cellar. The group venture further and further into it before Hardhead turns on a light, revealing some dude in a suit tied up in a chair. A single table is also seen. HHH sits in a chair in front of the table and the suit guy before tearing off some duck tape from the dude’s mouth.
Guy: Ah! What the hell man? I was just eating the dog food, it’s not like that’s a mortal crime man.
HHH: Relax, I just want to ask you, where Johnson is.
The guy then looks at Hardhead, but his pupils suddenly start pulsating. Eventually, they turn red entirely and the guy’s face starts to smile.
Johnson’s Voice: Why Mr. Hunter, what an interesting surprise. I’m assuming you’ve met my associate, Mr. Rogers.
HHH: Yes, tell me does he smoke weed?
Frank: Uh, bro, as much as I like to watch you two talk through a guy who smells like that hobo that lives outside the mall, can we wrap this up a bit?
Johnson’s Voice: Ooooh, patience, patience my dear Frank. It’s not like I’m going anywhere.
Chuck: Yeah jeez Frank.
HHH rolls his eyes and then continues in the conversation.
HHH: He’s right though, we probably should hurry this along. Just tell me where to meet you and I’ll continue on the road.
Johnson: Ah, you truly are interesting Mr. Hunter, I can see why Ian liked you.
Wes: Man what the hell is this guy talking about?
Hardhead waves Wes off, continuing with Johnson.
Johnson: Continue on the road you came on. You will eventually reach a large cliff. When you arrive, drive off, trust me, you won’t die. There, another person will be waiting. Good luck Mr. Hunter and accompaniment, oh, and if you see a specific somebody you know from your past adventures, don’t let him convince you.
HHH: Well what the f**k does that mean?
The body gives off a smirk until the pupils turn black again. Mr. Rogers then looks around a bit in the room until HHH stands up.
HHH: Good bye Mr. Rogers.
Mr. Rogers: Fight the conspiracy man.
HHH then switches the light off. After the group has walked up the stairs, Mr. Rogers speaks.
Mr. Rogers: Could you have as least given me some of that weed man?
Back up top, the group venture back out of the rest stop.
Chuck: So let me get this straight Jack, you’re going on this crazy ass adventure to try and find some guy that you met in a virtual world?
HHH: You were there Chuck.
While talking he unlocks the car.
Frank: And on top of that, we just met some guy with a last name Rogers, who eats dog food and likes weed.
Chuck: That wouldn’t be much of a problem had…
Frank: Had the guy not be a f**king cartoon character!
Yet again, Hardhead sighs, and adds a little ‘oh boy’ before almost stepping into the car, that is, until Wes speaks up.
Wes: Yo Jack, Jack’s brother, Charles, and that gay ass ghost, what the hell is that?
Chuck: Name’s Chuck!
HHH: Don’t cuss…
Hardhead gets fixated on some random ass white race car that comes speeding down the road. It makes a sharp stop. The passenger side window rolls down a tad, revealing a pistol.
HHH: Get in dammit!
The whole group just jump into the corner, with Frank and Chuck bumping heads, as well as HHH and Wes.
Wes: Damn that’s a hard head.
The pistol then fires, narrowly missing the gas tank. Hardhead then starts the car and sits up, moving the car. Everyone gets in, except for Tom, who is just staring at the car with a look of shock. Eventually, Tom snaps out of it and floats in.
Just as the pistol fires another shot, the car is out of there. In an epic like explosion, the Ferrari is sent flying half way across the road before sliding into a muddy ditch. The white race car then goes speeding off again down the road and out of sight.
It wasn’t until night fall that anybody even showed signs of life. HHH is the first to get up. He slides out of the muddy water he’s in and climbs out of the driver side door. After getting out of the ditch, and checks for any injuries, but stops when he takes out of his pocket the cross dildo broken in half.
HHH: Hm, I guess miracles can come in the most surprising of places. Wake up people!
Chuck is the first to hear him, nailing his head on the car ceiling.
Chuck: Ah! Son of a b***h!
He climbs out of the wreckage and joins Hardhead. The next to arrive is Frank who has a large gash on his stomach. It isn’t deep, but it’s large. Wes eventually gets up, after cussing under his breath a s**t load of times. He joins the other three up on the road.
HHH: We have three problems right now: 1. Tom Davis has disappeared, 2. my car is totally f**ked, and 3. how the f**k are we getting to that cliff?
The group looks around until a random ass car pulls up. In it, is a guy wearing a tan suit and a wicked ass smile. He gets out and throws the keys to HHH. The guy then disappears in smoke after waving his hand. The group looks around a bit at each other before shrugging and hopping into the car.
Frank: Hell of an opportune time!
One Day Later
A text pulls up on the screen with Day 2 (Thursday). It is now day time and eventually, the car the group was driving in, reaches the said cliff. Hardhead stops and looks around at everybody in the car.
HHH: I’m giving all of you a chance to back out now, and just say f**k it, walking away.
The other three look at each other before they reply.
Frank: You’re my younger brother; I’m always here for you.
Chuck: I ain’t got much else to do with my life.
Wes: I’m not walking five thousand miles just to get back to Tampa.
With a smile and a nod, he restarts the car, and then proceeds to drive off the cliff.
Upon doing so, the whole entire group start shouting as loud as any man who doesn’t shout like a girl or doesn’t have their balls chopped off can do
About mid-way down the cliff, the car lands front first in mid-air. The group doesn’t start screaming until the car falls front first, causing it to land upside down. Frank is the first to stop screaming, and he taps everybody else to stop them. They then get out of the car and look around a bit. They walk around and hop a bit in mid-air before Wes walks off the edge. Chuck and HHH catch up, bring him back up and dragging him to the middle. Eventually, a dog like animal finds its way over to the group, strangely enough.
HHH: Is that Cujo?
Frank: Nah, we killed him last time.
The coyote then growls a bit and the group steps back. It then stops and looks down. It moves its mouth a bit before spitting something over the edge. Wes looks over the edge to see it fall down and crash in some smoke.
Chuck: Nice doggy!
The coyote looks at the group and sits down before sighing.
The Coyote: I assure you Charles, I am no mere doggy.
The group looks at the coyote with a look of shock. They then turn to each other before back at the coyote.
The Coyote: My name is Wil’E Coyote. You might know from such films as Looney Tunes, or Space Jam.
It talks with a somewhat British accent mixed with one who thinks better of himself (that’s a cocky son of a b***h to you who don’t know).
Chuck: Whoa whoa whoa, you mean you’re the actual Looney Tunes, Wil’E Coyote?
The Coyote: You’re knowledge is not so great is it Charles?
HHH: How do you know is name?
The coyote gets up and walks around the group before stopping at HHH.
The Coyote: Johnson sent me out of that ghastly desert, away from that heinous Road Runner, so I could lead you, Jack, to your next destination. And I know all of your names, Jack and Frank Hunter, Charles Delores, and Wesley Nipes.
Wes: You’re last name is Delores? Damn, the whitest last name I’ve ever heard.
Hardhead, again, rolled his eyes, kneeling down to the coyote.
HHH: As f**ked up as this looks, I just want you to tell me where I need to go.
The Coyote: Ah yes, Mr. Johnson was very specific on where I need to lead you to. There’s a trap door somewhere on this little thing, go into it and you’ll find an elevator. Take that elevator and you’ll reach the next person. Now excuse me, I believe that duty calls.
The coyote then jumped off the thing they were on and down into the cliff below. The group looks over the edge to see him crash land. They look at each other until HHH searches for that door.
Frank: You’ve got to be s**ting me.
Chuck: How the hell can you still go through with this? That was a talking coyote Jack.
Hardhead is ignoring them, searching for it on his knees until finding something.
Wes: Damn man, this s**t’s gotten out of hand.
HHH then pulls up the door before going in. A few seconds pass and sounds of somebody hitting water is heard.
Frank: Why did mom ever like him best?
He then goes leg first into the hole, also landing in some water. Wes and Chuck look at each other, each of them offering the other to go in.
Wes: Age before beauty?
Chuck doesn’t do anything for a bit before making a threat to kill Wes.
Chuck: Get your ass in there!
Wes goes into the hole in fear, not anything else. He also hits the water. Chuck looks around a bit, and eventually goes to go into it, before coming back and deciding against it.
Chuck: Oh god Chuck, why did you ever stop bullying little Jackie?
With another sigh, Chuck jumps in. Inside, the other three are now out of a pool and soaked. Chuck ends up doing a cannon ball and getting everybody else wet. Chuck then climbs out of the pool and spits some water out. The rest of them look at him unemotionally.
Chuck: It’s a training pool.
The four then walk off towards what appears to be an elevator. They click the button and wait ever so patently.
Wes: This thing is taking forever!
Frank: So, bro, what now?
HHH: What, after when we get into the elevator, or after we find Johnson?
Frank: After Johnson, what then? Is our little escapades over and you just work for him? Do you quit wrestling and make this your full time job?
Hardhead looks down towards the bottom of the elevator, obviously caught in thought.
Frank: Cause I tell ya, after I retired, I’ve been living the easy life.
Chuck: Frank you’re a mall cop, not much of the easy life there.
Frank looks at Chuck with a look of “really” before looking back towards his brother.
HHH: I don’t know Frank, I just don’t know.
Eventually, the elevator arrives and they get on it, making sure to ignore the annoying ass elevator music.
Elevator Music: Keep it cool, what’s the name of this club, I don’t remember but it’s alright, uh, alright, Just Dance, Gonna be okay-
The elevator then lands and the group exits out of it to reveal a long hallway will mirrors and/or windows on both sides, really tall ones. When they reach mid-way, they are stopped by a knife that nearly stabs right into Chuck’s face. He then faints. The three left standing look over to see Hannibal Lector protruding with a sick smile on his face.
HHH: That figures!
Hannibal: Ah yes, Jack, what an interesting place to find you here at this place.
HHH: What do you want?
Hannibal drops the knife he has left and walks up to Hardhead, wrapping his arm around him so it hits his shoulder.
Hannibal: Why, I’m here to get you to join me.
HHH then throws Hannibal’s arm off of him before continuing onward.
Hannibal: Oh but come on, it’ll be fun; you can kill at will, oh, get secret help in your matches, or possibly even, return someone important to you from the dead.
This causes HHH to stop. Frank and Wes look back at him puzzlingly.
Frank: Yo bro, remember what Johnson said? If you see someone from our past adventures, don’t let him convince you.
Hannibal: Oh, but come now Mr. Hunter, I’m sure you’d like to see your dear wife, Carlene again, hm?
HHH looks back at Hannibal with a look of interest. Frank suddenly grabs HHH’s shoulder, causing his brother to shake out of it.
Frank: No Jack!
Out of nowhere, a row of fire is lightened in front of Hannibal. Chuck now gets up and makes his way over the flames, holding his head on the way.
Chuck: What happened?
Wes: Jack is gone bat shit insane!
HHH: Don’t cuss alright! Hannibal, just…
Hardhead then turns around and storms towards the exit. The other three join him. Hannibal then looks over the fire, with another sick smile on his face. After the three open the door and then slam it shut, they find Zuko standing behind it, his scar all out in the open like Pee Wee Herman’s balls. HHH doesn’t waste any time and walks up to him, grabbing his collar.
HHH: Where the f**k is Johnson? No more games just show me to him!
Zuko points his thumb behind him, revealing Johnson standing in front of a screen. HHH sets Zuko down and starts walking towards him.
Zuko: Jeez, what got into him?
Frank: Trust me, don’t ask.
Wes: Oh my god it’s Zuko! Holy s**t man I’m a big fan of your show!
Chuck suddenly smacks Wes in the back of the skull as hard as can be.
Chuck: Good god man, will you shut up!
HHH starts walking closer and closer towards Johnson until he hits something. He holds his nose before feeling that there is a screen blocking him from Johnson.
On the other side of the screen, while Hardhead watches intently, he’s talking to some shadowed figures.
Johnson: I’m sure that you are well aware that I have a new client.
Shadowed Figure: Yes, Mr. Jack Hunter, a mildly successful professional wrestler, as well as part time adventurer. You’re point?
Johnson: Well sir, I think it’d most rewarding if we just leave him out of this.
Shadowed Figure: Don’t toy with me Johnson, he is key-
Johnson: No, he’s not. You said you need a sacrifice, well, why Mr. Hunter? What’s the-
The Shadowed Figure suddenly gets up and knocks whatever he had to his left off a tray and to the floor.
Shadowed Figure: The point? What’s the point? The point is that you are my employee, which means you do what I say, when I want to say it. We are going to be using Mr. Hunter, whether you like it or not. Now, Johnson, if you’d like to keep your job the way that it is, then I suggest you get him here as soon as now.
The screen then cuts to black. Johnson just stands there with a look of anger on his face until he walks up to a computer, typing some random junk. The screen in front of him eventually turns on to reveal HHH’s face. Johnson then proceeds to delete the file, causing it to disappear. This catches Hardhead by surprise, whom reacts in that sort of way.
After that, Johnson then types some more junk before turning around to see HHH standing there. Johnson then gets out something from his pocket, a button, and then clicks it. The screen that kept HHH away then lowers.
Johnson: How much did you hear?
HHH: None of it, but I saw it all. What did you just do?
Johnson then walks past HHH, while holding a folder, putting a pen in his pocket on his shirt and talking.
Johnson: Delete your employee record.
HHH: Why?
Johnson stops at the door and turns around.
Johnson: You’re service will no longer be needed.
This catches the entire group, even Zuko, but surprise.
Frank: Whoa, whoa, whoa, we traveled for a day and a half so my brother could work for your sorry hide, and now, you fire him?
Johnson: It’s too complicated, your ass wouldn’t understand.
Johnson then opens the door and is immediately thrown a knife, right in between the eyes. The causer is none other than Hannibal Lector, who didn’t leave. Johnson falls to the floor, dead, while Hannibal walks farther into the room.
Hannibal: Gentlemen…
Chuck: What the f**k is going on here?
Hannibal: The end of your pathetic lives, my dear Charles.
Chuck then takes a revolver out of his pocket and fires it at Hannibal, causing him to fall to his knees.
Chuck: How many times do I have to tell everybody I meet, my name-is f**king-Chuck!
Zuko: Get it legally changed that should work.
Chuck: You’re not welcome here!
Hannibal gets a button out of his pocket and clicks it.
Hannibal: Infidels! You have f**ked up the way this should go! Now, you will never again, see the light, of, day!
Frank: Wow, Lion King reference, really?
Zuko: I believe that is Aladdin.
Frank: Seriously, why are you here, and why is it always a button?
The room they are in then starts to shake, rattle, and roll. Eventually, the back half where HHH is at explodes, causing that to fall down, down, down, farther and farther until it reaches a big pound of land that is just sitting there. The night sky is evidently seen.
Hannibal: Hm, I didn’t mean it literally, but I will take it.
Wes: Hey is that my house, hey momma!
HHH then grabs his hand onto a ledge, holding on very closely.
Chuck then fires his last revolver shot at Hannibal, right to his brain, finally killing him. The group then rushes over and helps Hardhead up. Eventually, they get him up, but not until the whole part of it breaks and they each fall down, down, down to they reach the big pound of land that is just sitting there. And then, it was black.
After some light is seen coming in, a text that states Day 5 (Sunday) is seen. The light gets bigger and the eyes (obviously) sit up. A hot nurse who is seen kneeling over in front of the eyes is seen rummaging some stuff. The eyes blink a bit before a voice is heard.
Voice: Nice ass.
The nurse then gets up and looks back, turning around and blushing a bit.
Nurse: Good, you’re awake, Doctor Nocturne!
A man in a white lab coat and very white skin walks up. He nods at the nurse and takes some rubber gloves off, throwing them into the trash.
Doctor Nocturne: Thank you Nurse Worse. Ah yes, Mr. Hunter, nice to see you’re awake.
The eyes disappear and it becomes a full view, revealing HHH to be the said eyes.
HHH: How long have I been out?
Doctor Nocturne: We find you at the crash site two days ago; you’re just now waking up.
HHH: So it’s Sunday morning?
Doctor Nocturne: That is correct.
Hardhead leans back in his bed a bit before smacking his face.
HHH: S**t, I’m never gonna make it to beat Shawn Christopher. Oh, did you find anybody else at the said crash?
Doctor Nocturne: Oh, uh, we picked up your brother, Frank, evidently, as well as some guy named Charles. We also found two bodies, but they had already been dead before the crash.
HHH sighs once more, holding his head, trying to hold back and ignore is obvious headache.
HHH: Jesus Christ. Did you find some guy with a scar?
Doctor Nocturne: No, but we found a piece of paper partially burned.
HHH: What was it?
Nocturne walks over to a table and brings back a lunchbox with Superman on it. HHH opens it and it reveals a charred, but still noticeable, paper that has a burn mark. It’s a letter, and Hardhead reads it to himself.
HHH: “Dear Mr. Hunter
I’m sending this letter to tell you to stay away and avoid coming to find me. I made a huge mistake. My boss has informed me that he wants to kill you to bring back somebody. Who is unknown, but if you do arrive, then you will be killed. Trust me Jack that is not the best idea for you. You have your whole life ahead of you, don’t f**k it up by coming to work for me and throwing your whole life away, literally. Just, Jack, don’t come, and stay away. If you do, then I wish you luck.
Sincerely, and good luck
Johnson”.
Hardhead then looks up before crumbling the letter into a ball and throwing it at some random place.
HHH: How anticli-f**ingmactic!
The Doctor looks at HHH before Hardhead gets up and ignores all of the pain possibly.
HHH: Dr. Nightwatching Stalker Who Probably F**ks Nurse Worse in the Hospital Closet Room and This Probably Just Got Worse Because You Gave Nurse Worse an STD Because of All Those Lonely Nights You Faced Alone in Your Bedroom With no Wife and Just a Cheap Hooker, where the f**k am I?
Doctor Nocturne: The St. Luke’s?
HHH: In Tampa?
Doctor Nocturne: F**kin b***h man, what the f**k?!
HHH then starts limping out of the room, heading down a bunch of hallways looking for his compadrés.
First, he finds Wes, who’s trying to hit on, successfully, a nurse who his biiiiig bahoogas and a cabooty. HHH then walks in and literally has to drag him out. Wes makes a “call me” sign to the nurse.
Second, he finds Chuck, who’s in the cafeteria, trying to eat. HHH and Wes take the food and throw it on the floor, which causes an old man to slip and fall, and probably break his back. Chuck reluctantly follows them.
Finally, it’s Frank, who’s already waiting out by a car that he probably’s never gonna return. All four of them, still limping and wearing their hospital clothes end up driving a s**tload of miles to get to each other’s home. HHH drops Wes off first at his mother’s house. When Wes gets inside, his mother goes ape s**t. Next he drops of Chuck at his house. That was it. Next he drops off Frank at his house. Before HHH leaves, Frank looks at him.
Frank: Thanks bro, I will always lo-
HHH: Whatever!
Hardhead then rushes off without letting him finish. When he gets home, he rushes inside and ignores the large mess of TP and trash outside. Inside, Stephanie is lying with only her bra and panties on tied to the dining room table while Derek is tied feet first from the stairs with his head red as hell. He rushes up the stairs, changes to his random street clothes (evidently, his black Green Day shirt, his jeans, and some sneaks).
He then rushes off and out of the room, grabbing a knife on the way as well as his bathrobe. He then cuts down his son from the stairs real quick. That causes Derek to fall on his head, hurting him more.
HHH: You’re grounded for a month.
He then rushes over to his daughter, cutting her from the table and throwing the bathrobe on her.
HHH: You’re grounded until you finish college.
Next, HHH grabs his cell phone and calls a number.
HHH: Come on, answer the f**king phone.
On his way towards the car, he continues the call. Finally, the person on the other side answers: Manniac Mann.
Manniac Mann: I’m Krazzy!
HHH: Yeah that’s great; could you watch my kids while I’m gone?
Manniac Mann: That’s Krazzy!
HHH: Just get your ass over here five seconds ago!
Hardhead then hangs up and enters into the car he brought here. He then proceeds to drive off.
Old Times Sake (Parody of Old Times Sake by Eminem and Dr. Dre) [Taking place during his drive to Boston, Mass.]
Good morning
This is your f**king Hardhead warning
You all that I am coming to take the Gateway Title, sweet
That’s a new record, don’t ask why
Please, beware that I will not stop
You are now free to talk about my victory
I’m Atch from back with the taste from
TBWA with Natch and the fake germs
That’s right from the days that the hate word
Was resembled as flipping some state birds
Was resembled as killing some black bros
From an emblem is equal to tight hoes
You’ll f**k ‘em all night, make them scream farther
Make then scream harder while the night’s getting darker
Speak of that night, it’s attack of the fake knight
Ain’t right it’s fake right, late like your late wife
But no it’s me takin on Shawn Chris
Dawn this it’s on s**t, that cums on your mom, DISS
The night of Cyber Slam is gonna be awesome
The night greatest for Shawn is when he found Maxim
I beat Shawn like he beat himself next to Sam
Yeah it’s true Shawn; you are now less of a man
So let’s go back for old time’s sake
Remember our matches, remember out takes
Remember who’d we love, remember who we’d hate
And let’s go
We’re now thinking about Shawn’s loss
I said let’s go back for old time’s sake
Remember our matches, remember our outtakes
Remember who’d we love, remember who we’d hate
So let’s go
We’re now thinking about how Shawn lost (how Shawn lost)
Yes I remember as if it were last night
Shawn crapped right out, that’s right, he had fag a sight
He blacked out, and I shafted loud
I tapped the clouds and he was mad as hell
Frick, Shawn lost so quick
His d**k did rip from all that s**t
Mixed hits
P***y boy, I took it you were rich
I let your title fall into my cringin wrist
My fist hit the rest of this list
But your s**t wasn’t missed, Shawn, I was just a bit pissed
You underestimated a guy who beat you quick
Just like your wife didn’t, she wouldn’t even eat your dick
That’s right, you were cocky, you were talking up s**t
I left you still standing so don’t let me fix it
Don’t fight it Shawn it’s an inevitable diss
After you lose, go hang with Thug’s Jonathyn pics
So let’s go back for old time’s sake
Remember our matches, remember out takes
Remember who’d we love, remember who we’d hate
And let’s go
We’re now thinking about Shawn’s loss
I said let’s go back for old time’s sake
Remember our matches, remember our outtakes
Remember who’d we love, remember who we’d hate
So let’s go
We’re now thinking about how Shawn lost (how Shawn lost)
Now where there’s Dan Fierce, there’s lube, where there’s lube, there’s gays
Where’s there’s gays, there’s Shawn, either you straight or you ain’t
I got full time for your dame, uh, uh, you ain’t winnin
I’m gonna get the amoxicillin and drop them pills and finish
That match was easy, hit the three feats
I’m so beasty, you can’t get me beat
Yo Shawn it ain’t a secret, you don’t got it when you need it
True you were the champ, but I got that strap when I was leavin
It was as simple pie, easiest match of my life
Now just face the facts I made your manhood die
Now go to the gay bar if you’re talking to me
The one across the street you always wanted to see
Cause if you’re losin to me, then you’re choosin to be
The lowest and the suckiest there ever will be
I got the Midas touch when it comes to beatin s**t up
You motherfucker ain’t winnin, you just beatin d**k’s up
Now here we go, you lied down, you gave up, you surrendered
You forgot what you remembered and in this deep September
Come Cyber Slam, they gonna know who I am
And every time they see me they gonna say damn
They’ll forget you in an instance and f**k up your name
“Was it Chris Shawnessy?” Gonna f**k up your fame
I’m almost to the arena, where I’m gonna beat ya
I am as cool as Dolph Ziggler, you’re a b***h like John Cena
Pulling into the lot, I’m never gonna stop
My raid starts today, gonna be on top
Looking back now Shawn you were really pathetic
I pinned you two times, you just tried to forget it
You’re easy as hell to diss, and I’m out of lines, so
If you didn’t know by now I didn’t want you to know
So let’s go back for old time’s sake
Remember our matches, remember out takes
Remember who’d we love, remember who we’d hate
And let’s go
We’re now thinking about Shawn’s loss
I said let’s go back for old time’s sake
Remember our matches, remember our outtakes
Remember who’d we love, remember who we’d hate
So let’s go
We’re now thinking about how Shawn lost (how Shawn lost)
After the song ends, HHH does, indeed, pull into the arena. He picks a random parking space that seems five miles away from it is. He gets out of the car and grabs his bag before making his long trek to the arena.
2 Minutes Later
He enters into the building and finds his way to the locker room, where he immediately throws his s**t off and puts his gear on. After a censor block guarded his junk from all the girls who crave it, he left the locker room and arrived at the curtain.
Staff Member: You’re up HHH!
Hardhead jumped up and down a few times before a voice was heard from behind it.
“Hawaiian Hardhead”
“Different Girls” by Nu Jersey Devil ft. Lil Wayne started playing from behind the curtain while HHH walked through.
And the rest, was history.
SPOILER
Hawaiian Hardhead won the Gateway Title
and Strangely Erotic Productions
proudly presents to you
Gonna Lose 2
A scene is seen coming into play. Sitting a table is a man with a hat on to hide his eyes, but is also wearing a trench coat. This is a stormy night with lightning blasting through the windows where another man stands. This man is smoking a cigarette and is also wearing a trench coat.
Second Man: I shouldn’t be doing this.
First Man: I have the money.
Second Man: OK, but-
First Man: Then here you go!
The first man then throws a briefcase at the man, who simply moves out of the way, letting it crash out the window. It then lands on the front doorstep below, opening the case and causing it to fly everywhere. The light in the room suddenly turns on and a door opens. In the doorway is a girl of about seventeen. The second person is revealed to be wearing a striped shirt, a ref’s outfit, while the man at the table is Hawaiian Hardhead.
HHH: *Sigh*, what do you want Stephanie?
Stephanie: Uncle Frank called again; he wants to know if you have plans for dinner.
With another, HHH looks over at the ref.
HHH: Bernie, this is my daughter, Stephanie, Stephanie, Bernie. Honey, just tell Frank I’ll him back.
Stephanie: Whatever.
She then closes the door behind her. Hardhead looks over at Bernie, the ref, before opening a drawer on the desk and taking out a stack of money. HHH then throws it at the ref.
HHH: Here, oh and take this cool hat.
He then tosses his hat towards Bernie, which then flies out into the storm outside.
HHH: Ah, dammit. Well, Bernie, I wish you luck on your journey back, but either way, I have somewhere to be.
Bernie: I can’t do it!
HHH took off his trench coat, revealing his street clothes, and then stopped at that line, turning around to look at Bernie.
Bernie: I can’t do it, here, take it, take it all back.
He then tosses the wad back to Hardhead, who simply drops it to the ground.
HHH: Bernie, what are you doing?
Bernie then mutters random words before jumping out the window, landing on the porch. He then throws the trench coat to the ground and runs away to his car before driving off.
HHH: Ah man, now I’m gonna have to actually try to win.
A day passes, and a word on screen appears that says “Day 1 (The Day After What You Just Saw)”. HHH wakes up from his bed, wearing some boxers with pink hearts on them. He walks past the jumble of junk and walks past a calendar, revealing it to be Wednesday. HHH opens his door and arrives in the bathroom, after walking down a hallway next to some stairs. He completely ignores the fact that his son is just walking out of the shower and that he left the door open.
Derek: Dad, I’m showering here!
HHH: Were showering son, and I’m trying to see if I need to shave. Nope!
Hardhead walks out of the bathroom and closes the door. When his daughter arrives behind him, she touches the doorknob.
HHH: Oh, don’t open the-
It’s too late as she opens the door to find her brother without a towel. She quickly slams the door and runs off back to her room in her PJ’s. Hardhead then looks up at the ceiling, as if up to the sky.
HHH: Why did you ever have to die Carlene?
Hardhead goes back to his room and gets dressed in his average jeans and shirt, as well as sneakers. He eventually exits and makes his way down the stairs. In the kitchen, his son and daughter are enjoying a nice little breakfast until he arrives. When they do, they stop eating and follow him out to his car, taking their book bags with them. After arriving at HHH’s really nice Ferrari, they all three hop in.
After riding for a good long time, the two arrive at their high school in this awesome city of Tampa. They both get out and say goodbye to Hardhead. After he drives off, HHH eventually makes his way to a convenience store. He gets out and opens the door, walking straight to the freezer in the back.
After arriving, we see his lawyer, Drake, his brother Frank, his on and off again friend Chuck, and his “student” per say, Wes. The four are all sitting on random freezer stuff like patties or a box of fries. HHH sets himself down on a freezer box after closing the door. The five of them are silent for a good two minutes before Drake speaks up.
Drake: I give, Jack, why the hell did you call us here?
HHH: Because we have a major conundrum.
Wes: Man what the hell does that mean?
Chuck: A problem, and what?
With a sigh, Frank speaks up as well.
Frank: Jack, look, if this is about that whole Ian thing, it’s long gone. It’s been a good month dude, he’s dead, get over it.
HHH looks at each of them one by one for a few seconds before getting out a piece of paper from his pocket. He unfolds it and reveals it to be a letter.
Chuck: What the hell is that?
HHH: I got this in the mail the same time I got Ian’s letter. It’s from that Johnson guy.
The group look at him curiously, especially Wes and Drake.
Drake: Wait, what Johnson guy?
HHH: You do remember Ian, right?
Wes: You mean that f**ked up guy who always wanted to kill you for some reason?
HHH: Don’t cuss, but yes.
Chuck and Frank look at each other before they both nod. They then both look over at HHH, and nod.
HHH: Well, he captured the three of us last month, yeah, not a big deal right? He sent us in another…
One Explanation Later
HHH: Then I got the letter.
Out of all four of their faces, Drake’s in the most humorous, having a look of betrayal, confusion, interest, and annoyance all mixed into one comedic expression.
Wes: Man, I never get to go on any of yo adventures.
Chuck: I wouldn’t really call them adventures; we’re kind of usually forced into them.
Hardhead sighs and looks at the letter again.
HHH: I called him soon after I read the letter, and I told him I’d do it.
The whole lot of them reacts with one of disappointment, with Wes mainly saying how unfair he is. Hardhead eventually stops them all with a loud scream. They do, in fact, stop, but not because of his scream, because they’re confused.
Frank: So why did you invite us here bro?
HHH: Because I’m allowed to take three people with me.
With another sigh, again, he looks around at the four of them, and ends at Wes, before reverting back to Drake.
HHH: I’m sorry Drake.
Drake: Are you f**king kidding me?
HHH: Nope.
Drake tries to look at Frank and Chuck for support, but manages to just get a look of happiness mixed with guilt.
Drake: I thought I was part of your little gang, but no, don’t include the f**king nerd in your little p***y gang.
He stands up and looks around at the group, stopping at HHH.
Drake: I hope you go to f**king jail and never get out.
He then opens the freezer door up and then slams it shut.
Frank: How did he ever get into this gang?
HHH: Dude’s beast when it comes to the law.
Wes then moves where Drake sat and got himself situated. The other three in the group look around awkwardly for a bit. They then get up after a few minutes and exit the freezer. When they exit the door, a group of people standing in mafia outfits (leather jackets, black pants, cigars), are seen waiting by the counter. They then head back towards the freezer, with Frank fist pounding one of them.
Frank: That was a really good jacket by the way.
The One Mafia Guy: Told you he was the best.
Hardhead’s group of peeps then exit out the convenience door and reach they’re car.
Half An Hour Later
HHH’s signature Ferrari is seen pulling up to his house. He, as well as Wes, Chuck, and Frank get out and enter his house. Hardhead walks towards the kitchen where Stephanie and Derek are seen. They sigh when the rest of the adults walk in.
Derek: Where are you going now?
HHH: A little trip, we should be back in time for CyberSlam. But, this is a big risk here, but Stephanie; I want you to watch the house.
Derek: Why not Drake?
That name just makes the group shudder a bit. Hardhead looks a little bit saddened, but answers his son.
HHH: Me and Drake had a falling out…
Stephanie: I’m not ready to watch the house.
HHH: Honey, you’re seventeen, if you’re not ready to watch the house then I’ve failed you both as a father, and trust me, that’s the words I’d never say except to explain this sentence.
The group and his kids look around the room until Stephanie sighs.
Stephanie: Fine, I’ll do it, but I expect to be paid.
HHH: Whatever, just don’t let Derek get into the cookie jar until it’s ten, got it?
Stephanie: Yeah, sure, whatever, just, where are you guys going?
With another sigh, Hardhead just ignores the question.
HHH: Numbers are on the fridge. I’m just gonna go get some s**t and we’ll be off.
He rushes out of the kitchen and up the stairs. After he’s gone, Wes walks up to Stephanie and checks her out a bit.
Wes: How you doin?
He says, adding in a head bop.
Up in HHH’s room, he’s packing some random s**t in a suitcase before throwing it over his shoulder. He then walks out of the room, but walks back, noticing a peculiar shaped transparent penis hanging out of his wall. The penis then starts to lunge at him, who then holds up a cross shaped dildo from his dresser. The penis then goes back, revealing it to be Tom Davis.
Tom Davis: What, my fabulous d**k was too much you use that dildo?
HHH: Ha ha, what do you want Tom?
Tom Davis: Isn’t it obvious, I wanna come with you, silly.
Hardhead ignores him, rolling his eyes and heading towards the stairs.
Tom Davis: Ah come on!
Tom starts to follow him. When HHH reaches the kitchen, Chuck and Frank make an “ah” noise and throw up their arms when they see Tom Davis.
Wes: Damn, what the hell is that?
HHH: His name is Tom Davis, and no you’re not coming. Why? You’d be better off not coming.
Tom Davis: But I like coming.
Hardhead then heads out for the car. He puts his case in his trunk and then shuts it before heading back into the house. When he arrives, he grabs his keys, pointing at the people he’s referring to.
HHH: Tom, if you come, you have to promise to stay away from our asses, and don’t piss the guy we talk to off. Stephanie, don’t burn down the house, don’t let your brother touch anything sharp, and don’t go out on any ruckus parties. You can hold one here but make sure that Derek is in bed by 10:30.
Derek: Dad, I’m 15.
HHH: Derek, there’s a Playboy underneath my bed and I bought some Aloe Vera. That’s lying on the bathroom counter. Oh, and there’s a video I think you’d might want to see. It’s in a bag on my TV. Alright, let’s move people!
Wes: Shotgun!
Frank, Chuck, and Tom: Ah man!
On The Road
The black Ferrari is seen driving down the road with everybody in the car, but Wes and Tom, singing “Margaritaville”. When it hits the final chorus, Wes switches the station to allow “X Gon Give it to Ya” to hit the radio. He starts rapping along to it as well. Eventually, Tom switches it again, allowing for “Barbie Girl” to start. He then starts singing along to the song while everybody gives him an awkward look. With a shrug, everybody then starts to sing along, even Wes.
Eventually, they turn onto a long stretch of a highway in between two fields of corn. Upon driving for what seems like hours, they reach a rest stop which they pull into.
HHH: Alright people, first break. Tom, get the gas, only go to 50 bucks, everybody else follow me.
Everybody who’s not Tom gets out of the car and follows HHH inside. When they arrive, a chick who’s about to fall out of her top is at the counter. Wes stops and starts flirting with her.
Wes: How you doin?
He accompanies that with the head bop.
Cashier: You’re like what, sixteen?
Wes: I’m sixteen and a half dammit!
Chuck comes up and hits him on the shoulder, telling him to follow them, which he then does.
The group opens a back door and find themselves walking into a dark cellar. The group venture further and further into it before Hardhead turns on a light, revealing some dude in a suit tied up in a chair. A single table is also seen. HHH sits in a chair in front of the table and the suit guy before tearing off some duck tape from the dude’s mouth.
Guy: Ah! What the hell man? I was just eating the dog food, it’s not like that’s a mortal crime man.
HHH: Relax, I just want to ask you, where Johnson is.
The guy then looks at Hardhead, but his pupils suddenly start pulsating. Eventually, they turn red entirely and the guy’s face starts to smile.
Johnson’s Voice: Why Mr. Hunter, what an interesting surprise. I’m assuming you’ve met my associate, Mr. Rogers.
HHH: Yes, tell me does he smoke weed?
Frank: Uh, bro, as much as I like to watch you two talk through a guy who smells like that hobo that lives outside the mall, can we wrap this up a bit?
Johnson’s Voice: Ooooh, patience, patience my dear Frank. It’s not like I’m going anywhere.
Chuck: Yeah jeez Frank.
HHH rolls his eyes and then continues in the conversation.
HHH: He’s right though, we probably should hurry this along. Just tell me where to meet you and I’ll continue on the road.
Johnson: Ah, you truly are interesting Mr. Hunter, I can see why Ian liked you.
Wes: Man what the hell is this guy talking about?
Hardhead waves Wes off, continuing with Johnson.
Johnson: Continue on the road you came on. You will eventually reach a large cliff. When you arrive, drive off, trust me, you won’t die. There, another person will be waiting. Good luck Mr. Hunter and accompaniment, oh, and if you see a specific somebody you know from your past adventures, don’t let him convince you.
HHH: Well what the f**k does that mean?
The body gives off a smirk until the pupils turn black again. Mr. Rogers then looks around a bit in the room until HHH stands up.
HHH: Good bye Mr. Rogers.
Mr. Rogers: Fight the conspiracy man.
HHH then switches the light off. After the group has walked up the stairs, Mr. Rogers speaks.
Mr. Rogers: Could you have as least given me some of that weed man?
Back up top, the group venture back out of the rest stop.
Chuck: So let me get this straight Jack, you’re going on this crazy ass adventure to try and find some guy that you met in a virtual world?
HHH: You were there Chuck.
While talking he unlocks the car.
Frank: And on top of that, we just met some guy with a last name Rogers, who eats dog food and likes weed.
Chuck: That wouldn’t be much of a problem had…
Frank: Had the guy not be a f**king cartoon character!
Yet again, Hardhead sighs, and adds a little ‘oh boy’ before almost stepping into the car, that is, until Wes speaks up.
Wes: Yo Jack, Jack’s brother, Charles, and that gay ass ghost, what the hell is that?
Chuck: Name’s Chuck!
HHH: Don’t cuss…
Hardhead gets fixated on some random ass white race car that comes speeding down the road. It makes a sharp stop. The passenger side window rolls down a tad, revealing a pistol.
HHH: Get in dammit!
The whole group just jump into the corner, with Frank and Chuck bumping heads, as well as HHH and Wes.
Wes: Damn that’s a hard head.
The pistol then fires, narrowly missing the gas tank. Hardhead then starts the car and sits up, moving the car. Everyone gets in, except for Tom, who is just staring at the car with a look of shock. Eventually, Tom snaps out of it and floats in.
Just as the pistol fires another shot, the car is out of there. In an epic like explosion, the Ferrari is sent flying half way across the road before sliding into a muddy ditch. The white race car then goes speeding off again down the road and out of sight.
It wasn’t until night fall that anybody even showed signs of life. HHH is the first to get up. He slides out of the muddy water he’s in and climbs out of the driver side door. After getting out of the ditch, and checks for any injuries, but stops when he takes out of his pocket the cross dildo broken in half.
HHH: Hm, I guess miracles can come in the most surprising of places. Wake up people!
Chuck is the first to hear him, nailing his head on the car ceiling.
Chuck: Ah! Son of a b***h!
He climbs out of the wreckage and joins Hardhead. The next to arrive is Frank who has a large gash on his stomach. It isn’t deep, but it’s large. Wes eventually gets up, after cussing under his breath a s**t load of times. He joins the other three up on the road.
HHH: We have three problems right now: 1. Tom Davis has disappeared, 2. my car is totally f**ked, and 3. how the f**k are we getting to that cliff?
The group looks around until a random ass car pulls up. In it, is a guy wearing a tan suit and a wicked ass smile. He gets out and throws the keys to HHH. The guy then disappears in smoke after waving his hand. The group looks around a bit at each other before shrugging and hopping into the car.
Frank: Hell of an opportune time!
One Day Later
A text pulls up on the screen with Day 2 (Thursday). It is now day time and eventually, the car the group was driving in, reaches the said cliff. Hardhead stops and looks around at everybody in the car.
HHH: I’m giving all of you a chance to back out now, and just say f**k it, walking away.
The other three look at each other before they reply.
Frank: You’re my younger brother; I’m always here for you.
Chuck: I ain’t got much else to do with my life.
Wes: I’m not walking five thousand miles just to get back to Tampa.
With a smile and a nod, he restarts the car, and then proceeds to drive off the cliff.
Upon doing so, the whole entire group start shouting as loud as any man who doesn’t shout like a girl or doesn’t have their balls chopped off can do
About mid-way down the cliff, the car lands front first in mid-air. The group doesn’t start screaming until the car falls front first, causing it to land upside down. Frank is the first to stop screaming, and he taps everybody else to stop them. They then get out of the car and look around a bit. They walk around and hop a bit in mid-air before Wes walks off the edge. Chuck and HHH catch up, bring him back up and dragging him to the middle. Eventually, a dog like animal finds its way over to the group, strangely enough.
HHH: Is that Cujo?
Frank: Nah, we killed him last time.
The coyote then growls a bit and the group steps back. It then stops and looks down. It moves its mouth a bit before spitting something over the edge. Wes looks over the edge to see it fall down and crash in some smoke.
Chuck: Nice doggy!
The coyote looks at the group and sits down before sighing.
The Coyote: I assure you Charles, I am no mere doggy.
The group looks at the coyote with a look of shock. They then turn to each other before back at the coyote.
The Coyote: My name is Wil’E Coyote. You might know from such films as Looney Tunes, or Space Jam.
It talks with a somewhat British accent mixed with one who thinks better of himself (that’s a cocky son of a b***h to you who don’t know).
Chuck: Whoa whoa whoa, you mean you’re the actual Looney Tunes, Wil’E Coyote?
The Coyote: You’re knowledge is not so great is it Charles?
HHH: How do you know is name?
The coyote gets up and walks around the group before stopping at HHH.
The Coyote: Johnson sent me out of that ghastly desert, away from that heinous Road Runner, so I could lead you, Jack, to your next destination. And I know all of your names, Jack and Frank Hunter, Charles Delores, and Wesley Nipes.
Wes: You’re last name is Delores? Damn, the whitest last name I’ve ever heard.
Hardhead, again, rolled his eyes, kneeling down to the coyote.
HHH: As f**ked up as this looks, I just want you to tell me where I need to go.
The Coyote: Ah yes, Mr. Johnson was very specific on where I need to lead you to. There’s a trap door somewhere on this little thing, go into it and you’ll find an elevator. Take that elevator and you’ll reach the next person. Now excuse me, I believe that duty calls.
The coyote then jumped off the thing they were on and down into the cliff below. The group looks over the edge to see him crash land. They look at each other until HHH searches for that door.
Frank: You’ve got to be s**ting me.
Chuck: How the hell can you still go through with this? That was a talking coyote Jack.
Hardhead is ignoring them, searching for it on his knees until finding something.
Wes: Damn man, this s**t’s gotten out of hand.
HHH then pulls up the door before going in. A few seconds pass and sounds of somebody hitting water is heard.
Frank: Why did mom ever like him best?
He then goes leg first into the hole, also landing in some water. Wes and Chuck look at each other, each of them offering the other to go in.
Wes: Age before beauty?
Chuck doesn’t do anything for a bit before making a threat to kill Wes.
Chuck: Get your ass in there!
Wes goes into the hole in fear, not anything else. He also hits the water. Chuck looks around a bit, and eventually goes to go into it, before coming back and deciding against it.
Chuck: Oh god Chuck, why did you ever stop bullying little Jackie?
With another sigh, Chuck jumps in. Inside, the other three are now out of a pool and soaked. Chuck ends up doing a cannon ball and getting everybody else wet. Chuck then climbs out of the pool and spits some water out. The rest of them look at him unemotionally.
Chuck: It’s a training pool.
The four then walk off towards what appears to be an elevator. They click the button and wait ever so patently.
Wes: This thing is taking forever!
Frank: So, bro, what now?
HHH: What, after when we get into the elevator, or after we find Johnson?
Frank: After Johnson, what then? Is our little escapades over and you just work for him? Do you quit wrestling and make this your full time job?
Hardhead looks down towards the bottom of the elevator, obviously caught in thought.
Frank: Cause I tell ya, after I retired, I’ve been living the easy life.
Chuck: Frank you’re a mall cop, not much of the easy life there.
Frank looks at Chuck with a look of “really” before looking back towards his brother.
HHH: I don’t know Frank, I just don’t know.
Eventually, the elevator arrives and they get on it, making sure to ignore the annoying ass elevator music.
Elevator Music: Keep it cool, what’s the name of this club, I don’t remember but it’s alright, uh, alright, Just Dance, Gonna be okay-
The elevator then lands and the group exits out of it to reveal a long hallway will mirrors and/or windows on both sides, really tall ones. When they reach mid-way, they are stopped by a knife that nearly stabs right into Chuck’s face. He then faints. The three left standing look over to see Hannibal Lector protruding with a sick smile on his face.
HHH: That figures!
Hannibal: Ah yes, Jack, what an interesting place to find you here at this place.
HHH: What do you want?
Hannibal drops the knife he has left and walks up to Hardhead, wrapping his arm around him so it hits his shoulder.
Hannibal: Why, I’m here to get you to join me.
HHH then throws Hannibal’s arm off of him before continuing onward.
Hannibal: Oh but come on, it’ll be fun; you can kill at will, oh, get secret help in your matches, or possibly even, return someone important to you from the dead.
This causes HHH to stop. Frank and Wes look back at him puzzlingly.
Frank: Yo bro, remember what Johnson said? If you see someone from our past adventures, don’t let him convince you.
Hannibal: Oh, but come now Mr. Hunter, I’m sure you’d like to see your dear wife, Carlene again, hm?
HHH looks back at Hannibal with a look of interest. Frank suddenly grabs HHH’s shoulder, causing his brother to shake out of it.
Frank: No Jack!
Out of nowhere, a row of fire is lightened in front of Hannibal. Chuck now gets up and makes his way over the flames, holding his head on the way.
Chuck: What happened?
Wes: Jack is gone bat shit insane!
HHH: Don’t cuss alright! Hannibal, just…
Hardhead then turns around and storms towards the exit. The other three join him. Hannibal then looks over the fire, with another sick smile on his face. After the three open the door and then slam it shut, they find Zuko standing behind it, his scar all out in the open like Pee Wee Herman’s balls. HHH doesn’t waste any time and walks up to him, grabbing his collar.
HHH: Where the f**k is Johnson? No more games just show me to him!
Zuko points his thumb behind him, revealing Johnson standing in front of a screen. HHH sets Zuko down and starts walking towards him.
Zuko: Jeez, what got into him?
Frank: Trust me, don’t ask.
Wes: Oh my god it’s Zuko! Holy s**t man I’m a big fan of your show!
Chuck suddenly smacks Wes in the back of the skull as hard as can be.
Chuck: Good god man, will you shut up!
HHH starts walking closer and closer towards Johnson until he hits something. He holds his nose before feeling that there is a screen blocking him from Johnson.
On the other side of the screen, while Hardhead watches intently, he’s talking to some shadowed figures.
Johnson: I’m sure that you are well aware that I have a new client.
Shadowed Figure: Yes, Mr. Jack Hunter, a mildly successful professional wrestler, as well as part time adventurer. You’re point?
Johnson: Well sir, I think it’d most rewarding if we just leave him out of this.
Shadowed Figure: Don’t toy with me Johnson, he is key-
Johnson: No, he’s not. You said you need a sacrifice, well, why Mr. Hunter? What’s the-
The Shadowed Figure suddenly gets up and knocks whatever he had to his left off a tray and to the floor.
Shadowed Figure: The point? What’s the point? The point is that you are my employee, which means you do what I say, when I want to say it. We are going to be using Mr. Hunter, whether you like it or not. Now, Johnson, if you’d like to keep your job the way that it is, then I suggest you get him here as soon as now.
The screen then cuts to black. Johnson just stands there with a look of anger on his face until he walks up to a computer, typing some random junk. The screen in front of him eventually turns on to reveal HHH’s face. Johnson then proceeds to delete the file, causing it to disappear. This catches Hardhead by surprise, whom reacts in that sort of way.
After that, Johnson then types some more junk before turning around to see HHH standing there. Johnson then gets out something from his pocket, a button, and then clicks it. The screen that kept HHH away then lowers.
Johnson: How much did you hear?
HHH: None of it, but I saw it all. What did you just do?
Johnson then walks past HHH, while holding a folder, putting a pen in his pocket on his shirt and talking.
Johnson: Delete your employee record.
HHH: Why?
Johnson stops at the door and turns around.
Johnson: You’re service will no longer be needed.
This catches the entire group, even Zuko, but surprise.
Frank: Whoa, whoa, whoa, we traveled for a day and a half so my brother could work for your sorry hide, and now, you fire him?
Johnson: It’s too complicated, your ass wouldn’t understand.
Johnson then opens the door and is immediately thrown a knife, right in between the eyes. The causer is none other than Hannibal Lector, who didn’t leave. Johnson falls to the floor, dead, while Hannibal walks farther into the room.
Hannibal: Gentlemen…
Chuck: What the f**k is going on here?
Hannibal: The end of your pathetic lives, my dear Charles.
Chuck then takes a revolver out of his pocket and fires it at Hannibal, causing him to fall to his knees.
Chuck: How many times do I have to tell everybody I meet, my name-is f**king-Chuck!
Zuko: Get it legally changed that should work.
Chuck: You’re not welcome here!
Hannibal gets a button out of his pocket and clicks it.
Hannibal: Infidels! You have f**ked up the way this should go! Now, you will never again, see the light, of, day!
Frank: Wow, Lion King reference, really?
Zuko: I believe that is Aladdin.
Frank: Seriously, why are you here, and why is it always a button?
The room they are in then starts to shake, rattle, and roll. Eventually, the back half where HHH is at explodes, causing that to fall down, down, down, farther and farther until it reaches a big pound of land that is just sitting there. The night sky is evidently seen.
Hannibal: Hm, I didn’t mean it literally, but I will take it.
Wes: Hey is that my house, hey momma!
HHH then grabs his hand onto a ledge, holding on very closely.
Chuck then fires his last revolver shot at Hannibal, right to his brain, finally killing him. The group then rushes over and helps Hardhead up. Eventually, they get him up, but not until the whole part of it breaks and they each fall down, down, down to they reach the big pound of land that is just sitting there. And then, it was black.
After some light is seen coming in, a text that states Day 5 (Sunday) is seen. The light gets bigger and the eyes (obviously) sit up. A hot nurse who is seen kneeling over in front of the eyes is seen rummaging some stuff. The eyes blink a bit before a voice is heard.
Voice: Nice ass.
The nurse then gets up and looks back, turning around and blushing a bit.
Nurse: Good, you’re awake, Doctor Nocturne!
A man in a white lab coat and very white skin walks up. He nods at the nurse and takes some rubber gloves off, throwing them into the trash.
Doctor Nocturne: Thank you Nurse Worse. Ah yes, Mr. Hunter, nice to see you’re awake.
The eyes disappear and it becomes a full view, revealing HHH to be the said eyes.
HHH: How long have I been out?
Doctor Nocturne: We find you at the crash site two days ago; you’re just now waking up.
HHH: So it’s Sunday morning?
Doctor Nocturne: That is correct.
Hardhead leans back in his bed a bit before smacking his face.
HHH: S**t, I’m never gonna make it to beat Shawn Christopher. Oh, did you find anybody else at the said crash?
Doctor Nocturne: Oh, uh, we picked up your brother, Frank, evidently, as well as some guy named Charles. We also found two bodies, but they had already been dead before the crash.
HHH sighs once more, holding his head, trying to hold back and ignore is obvious headache.
HHH: Jesus Christ. Did you find some guy with a scar?
Doctor Nocturne: No, but we found a piece of paper partially burned.
HHH: What was it?
Nocturne walks over to a table and brings back a lunchbox with Superman on it. HHH opens it and it reveals a charred, but still noticeable, paper that has a burn mark. It’s a letter, and Hardhead reads it to himself.
HHH: “Dear Mr. Hunter
I’m sending this letter to tell you to stay away and avoid coming to find me. I made a huge mistake. My boss has informed me that he wants to kill you to bring back somebody. Who is unknown, but if you do arrive, then you will be killed. Trust me Jack that is not the best idea for you. You have your whole life ahead of you, don’t f**k it up by coming to work for me and throwing your whole life away, literally. Just, Jack, don’t come, and stay away. If you do, then I wish you luck.
Sincerely, and good luck
Johnson”.
Hardhead then looks up before crumbling the letter into a ball and throwing it at some random place.
HHH: How anticli-f**ingmactic!
The Doctor looks at HHH before Hardhead gets up and ignores all of the pain possibly.
HHH: Dr. Nightwatching Stalker Who Probably F**ks Nurse Worse in the Hospital Closet Room and This Probably Just Got Worse Because You Gave Nurse Worse an STD Because of All Those Lonely Nights You Faced Alone in Your Bedroom With no Wife and Just a Cheap Hooker, where the f**k am I?
Doctor Nocturne: The St. Luke’s?
HHH: In Tampa?
Doctor Nocturne: F**kin b***h man, what the f**k?!
HHH then starts limping out of the room, heading down a bunch of hallways looking for his compadrés.
First, he finds Wes, who’s trying to hit on, successfully, a nurse who his biiiiig bahoogas and a cabooty. HHH then walks in and literally has to drag him out. Wes makes a “call me” sign to the nurse.
Second, he finds Chuck, who’s in the cafeteria, trying to eat. HHH and Wes take the food and throw it on the floor, which causes an old man to slip and fall, and probably break his back. Chuck reluctantly follows them.
Finally, it’s Frank, who’s already waiting out by a car that he probably’s never gonna return. All four of them, still limping and wearing their hospital clothes end up driving a s**tload of miles to get to each other’s home. HHH drops Wes off first at his mother’s house. When Wes gets inside, his mother goes ape s**t. Next he drops of Chuck at his house. That was it. Next he drops off Frank at his house. Before HHH leaves, Frank looks at him.
Frank: Thanks bro, I will always lo-
HHH: Whatever!
Hardhead then rushes off without letting him finish. When he gets home, he rushes inside and ignores the large mess of TP and trash outside. Inside, Stephanie is lying with only her bra and panties on tied to the dining room table while Derek is tied feet first from the stairs with his head red as hell. He rushes up the stairs, changes to his random street clothes (evidently, his black Green Day shirt, his jeans, and some sneaks).
He then rushes off and out of the room, grabbing a knife on the way as well as his bathrobe. He then cuts down his son from the stairs real quick. That causes Derek to fall on his head, hurting him more.
HHH: You’re grounded for a month.
He then rushes over to his daughter, cutting her from the table and throwing the bathrobe on her.
HHH: You’re grounded until you finish college.
Next, HHH grabs his cell phone and calls a number.
HHH: Come on, answer the f**king phone.
On his way towards the car, he continues the call. Finally, the person on the other side answers: Manniac Mann.
Manniac Mann: I’m Krazzy!
HHH: Yeah that’s great; could you watch my kids while I’m gone?
Manniac Mann: That’s Krazzy!
HHH: Just get your ass over here five seconds ago!
Hardhead then hangs up and enters into the car he brought here. He then proceeds to drive off.
Old Times Sake (Parody of Old Times Sake by Eminem and Dr. Dre) [Taking place during his drive to Boston, Mass.]
Good morning
This is your f**king Hardhead warning
You all that I am coming to take the Gateway Title, sweet
That’s a new record, don’t ask why
Please, beware that I will not stop
You are now free to talk about my victory
I’m Atch from back with the taste from
TBWA with Natch and the fake germs
That’s right from the days that the hate word
Was resembled as flipping some state birds
Was resembled as killing some black bros
From an emblem is equal to tight hoes
You’ll f**k ‘em all night, make them scream farther
Make then scream harder while the night’s getting darker
Speak of that night, it’s attack of the fake knight
Ain’t right it’s fake right, late like your late wife
But no it’s me takin on Shawn Chris
Dawn this it’s on s**t, that cums on your mom, DISS
The night of Cyber Slam is gonna be awesome
The night greatest for Shawn is when he found Maxim
I beat Shawn like he beat himself next to Sam
Yeah it’s true Shawn; you are now less of a man
So let’s go back for old time’s sake
Remember our matches, remember out takes
Remember who’d we love, remember who we’d hate
And let’s go
We’re now thinking about Shawn’s loss
I said let’s go back for old time’s sake
Remember our matches, remember our outtakes
Remember who’d we love, remember who we’d hate
So let’s go
We’re now thinking about how Shawn lost (how Shawn lost)
Yes I remember as if it were last night
Shawn crapped right out, that’s right, he had fag a sight
He blacked out, and I shafted loud
I tapped the clouds and he was mad as hell
Frick, Shawn lost so quick
His d**k did rip from all that s**t
Mixed hits
P***y boy, I took it you were rich
I let your title fall into my cringin wrist
My fist hit the rest of this list
But your s**t wasn’t missed, Shawn, I was just a bit pissed
You underestimated a guy who beat you quick
Just like your wife didn’t, she wouldn’t even eat your dick
That’s right, you were cocky, you were talking up s**t
I left you still standing so don’t let me fix it
Don’t fight it Shawn it’s an inevitable diss
After you lose, go hang with Thug’s Jonathyn pics
So let’s go back for old time’s sake
Remember our matches, remember out takes
Remember who’d we love, remember who we’d hate
And let’s go
We’re now thinking about Shawn’s loss
I said let’s go back for old time’s sake
Remember our matches, remember our outtakes
Remember who’d we love, remember who we’d hate
So let’s go
We’re now thinking about how Shawn lost (how Shawn lost)
Now where there’s Dan Fierce, there’s lube, where there’s lube, there’s gays
Where’s there’s gays, there’s Shawn, either you straight or you ain’t
I got full time for your dame, uh, uh, you ain’t winnin
I’m gonna get the amoxicillin and drop them pills and finish
That match was easy, hit the three feats
I’m so beasty, you can’t get me beat
Yo Shawn it ain’t a secret, you don’t got it when you need it
True you were the champ, but I got that strap when I was leavin
It was as simple pie, easiest match of my life
Now just face the facts I made your manhood die
Now go to the gay bar if you’re talking to me
The one across the street you always wanted to see
Cause if you’re losin to me, then you’re choosin to be
The lowest and the suckiest there ever will be
I got the Midas touch when it comes to beatin s**t up
You motherfucker ain’t winnin, you just beatin d**k’s up
Now here we go, you lied down, you gave up, you surrendered
You forgot what you remembered and in this deep September
Come Cyber Slam, they gonna know who I am
And every time they see me they gonna say damn
They’ll forget you in an instance and f**k up your name
“Was it Chris Shawnessy?” Gonna f**k up your fame
I’m almost to the arena, where I’m gonna beat ya
I am as cool as Dolph Ziggler, you’re a b***h like John Cena
Pulling into the lot, I’m never gonna stop
My raid starts today, gonna be on top
Looking back now Shawn you were really pathetic
I pinned you two times, you just tried to forget it
You’re easy as hell to diss, and I’m out of lines, so
If you didn’t know by now I didn’t want you to know
So let’s go back for old time’s sake
Remember our matches, remember out takes
Remember who’d we love, remember who we’d hate
And let’s go
We’re now thinking about Shawn’s loss
I said let’s go back for old time’s sake
Remember our matches, remember our outtakes
Remember who’d we love, remember who we’d hate
So let’s go
We’re now thinking about how Shawn lost (how Shawn lost)
After the song ends, HHH does, indeed, pull into the arena. He picks a random parking space that seems five miles away from it is. He gets out of the car and grabs his bag before making his long trek to the arena.
2 Minutes Later
He enters into the building and finds his way to the locker room, where he immediately throws his s**t off and puts his gear on. After a censor block guarded his junk from all the girls who crave it, he left the locker room and arrived at the curtain.
Staff Member: You’re up HHH!
Hardhead jumped up and down a few times before a voice was heard from behind it.
“Hawaiian Hardhead”
“Different Girls” by Nu Jersey Devil ft. Lil Wayne started playing from behind the curtain while HHH walked through.
And the rest, was history.
SPOILER
Hawaiian Hardhead won the Gateway Title
