Post by Josh Spicer on Jul 2, 2010 0:14:01 GMT -5
Insane Delgado Studios
and
Strangely Erotic Productions
present
The Thief and the Dumb-ass
A Parody of The Thief and the Cobbler
To start off this glorious tale of major and utter fail, we zoom in to a scene among many: a fat man lying in his bed. It’s a gorgeous thought, is it not? Upon the camera zooming in some more, we see this man is Hawaiian Hardhead, and like most of these films, he gets up from his sleepy stupor. With an elongated yawn, he sits up in his bed. He looks around his room before walking over to a mirror. He examines his exposed fat, of what little there is, before grabbing some jeans off a nearby dresser. He puts the said jeans on and stumbles over to a night stand, attempting to walk while getting the zipper up. When it looks there to stay, he grabs a Hawaiian shirt off it. He walks back to the mirror and buttons it up to the top. After examining his fat once more, he shakes his head and exits his room.
The first thing he sees after exiting is his daughter coming out of her room. She has a robe that looks half way down her shoulder and her hair looks completely entangled. HHH opens his mouth and raises his finger before lowering both.
HHH: Who is he this time?
She rolls her eyes and goes back into her room.
HHH: Stephanie!
She ignores him and just slams her door closed. The upstairs rattles from the impact. With a sigh, he walks down the stairs and travels right into the kitchen, where his son sits, reading an unknown magazine. When HHH arrives, he grabs the mag from him and goes to a cupboard.
HHH: Derek, I told you to stop getting into my cupboard.
Derek: I know dad, but-
HHH: Derek, I told you, the second you hit 16, the keys is yours.
Derek: My birthday’s in three weeks.
HHH sighs and walks over to his son. He puts the key right in front of his face.
HHH: I know, and in three weeks, the key is yours.
When Derek tries to go for it, HHH walks away. He puts the mag into the cupboard and locks a lock that is in it. He puts the key in his pocket and goes to a coffee maker.
HHH: But until then, the key will stay in my pocket. Trust me, as you probably know, these magazines are not just for one’s enjoyment, they contain things that the world should not ever see.
Not too far away, actually, across the street in a non-conspicuous black minivan, sits a set of computers. On the computers’ monitors is HHH’s kitchen. In a chair nearby, we see a man in a tuxedo. He also has a noticeable beard and goatee combo that sits on his chin. With a sigh, he clicks a few buttons on the computer, and the audio turns up. From the monitor, we hear HHH talking to his son.
HHH: It contains things that a man would only fear of, things that the young eye should never see.
Derek: Dad, men view Penthouses everyday.
HHH: No son, things much worse than Penthouse or Playboy.
The bearded, suited man sitting in his chair, scratches his chin with curiosity. He clicks a few more buttons on his computer. A vision of a young kid pops up. He has green hair, and he looks about thirteen.
Kid: What do you want Mac?
The man, apparently known as ‘Mac’ clicks a few buttons on the computer keyboard, and the audio from HHH’s conversation is heard by this kid. We go back inside the house to see the two talk.
Derek: So, Dad, what’s so bad about this…‘thing’ in the cupboard?
HHH: Oh, let’s just say that I was drunk one night, I bought something I shouldn’t have, and me and my scandalous group of rapscallions decided to watch it. We didn’t know it at the time, but just looking at it changed our lives.
Derek: How?
HHH: Everything we knew and loved as a child, it was all killed by this single movie. And the sad part is, it was created by the people who made everything we knew and loved as a child.
Derek gasps at this. Back in the van, we see the kid grow a small smirk.
‘Mac’: What should we do Mr. Noah?
The man had a Russian accent in his voice. It was thick and could be heard in a crowded room. The kid on the screen added a chuckle to his look.
Noah: Send him into that world.
‘Mac’: On it, but what about his friends?
Noah: A lonely Hawaiian dumb-ass is easier to beat that a Hawaiian dumb-ass with his butt buddies.
Mac adds a smirk to what Noah just said.
‘Mac’: Well said.
The picture of Noah disappears. Mac types a few things on his keyboard, and an antenna that sat on the roof of the van starts to move. Eventually, he aims inside directly at HHH. This 'Mac' types in a few more things, and then clicks a button. The antenna starts to emit a blue laser like thing before blasting directly at HHH. Unbeknownst to him, time freezes. Derek is left with his mouth wide open and Stephanie is left halfway down the stairs.
HHH: Let’s just say it was the worst moment of my life.
Hardhead stops talking and just looks at Derek.
HHH: Derek?
He waves a hand in front of his son a bit. He looks out a window that leads outside and sees various kids go by. Out of the van steps ‘Mac’, and he starts to walk across the street. HHH squints his eyes and looks closer. A knock comes at the door, but HHH doesn’t answer. He just steps back, and begins to look through various sorts of drawers and cupboards. ‘Mac’ knocks again, but again, HHH ignores it. The third time, ‘Mac’ gives up and steps back from the door. He grabs a small ball from his suit jacket and throws it through the window. It lands on the floor.
The ball then opens up into a mechanical, spider-like creature. He walks around the table, and without HHH’s knowledge, it bites him in the ankle. Hardhead’s head hits the counter with a thud. His body on the other hand, falls back, landing right on the spider. It breaks on impact.
‘Mac’, still outside, punches through the glass on the door and reaches down through it. He feels for the doorknob and then turns it, the door opening. All ‘Mac’ does is walk over to HHH. He feels in a few pockets, to his hate, and finds the key to the ‘secret cupboard’. He starts to walk towards it, but stops when he sees a piece of his mechanical spider.
‘Mac’: Oh, you broke my spider.
With a sigh, ‘Mac’ walks over to the cupboard and unlocks the lock. He tosses this said lock to the floor and looks inside. All he finds are various forms of Penthouses and Playboys, but nothing really secretive. It’s then that he notices a tape labeled ‘Do Not Watch: You Will Want to Die in Seven Seconds.’ With a smirk, ‘Mac’ takes the tape, putting it in his suit jacket. He then grabs the head and shoulders of HHH, slowly dragging him out of the room.
Before we continue with this tale, a large city must be described. In this city, is where this tale truly begins. See, this city is unlike any city, as this city is filled with various forms of gold. You could call it a Golden City, but this isn’t a spoof of The Road to El Dorado. This city is filled with various people, but also houses the matriarchs of our tale. But before they are introduced, I must inform you of three golden balls. Feel free to laugh now, but they are important. They sit atop a large tower, with them fitted into a spike, like shish kabob. They go from smallest to largest from top to bottom, and unsurprisingly, they are also golden, thus why they are called the “Three Golden Balls.”
Now, the first person introduced in this tail is a beautiful princess, named Princess Yum-Yum, and not unlike the original source material princess, she is dressed like an Arabian whore. She’s got a tiara with a feather above it, a veil in front of her face, some tight ass purple jeans that show her ass off wonderfully, and a red top that might as well reveal her boobs to the whole world. The person who’s playing her…?
We head off to a small scene where ‘Mac’ is seen in a forest. He’s leaning on his minivan. He also lights up a cigarette. After one blow at it, a knife comes and throws it away. ‘Mac’ looks over and sees Lydia.
Lydia: What do you want Mac?
‘Mac’: You.
He then gets a remote out of his pants pocket and clicks a button. Lydia looks down and sees she’s standing on a small vent. A green gas starts to emit from it. When it reaches Lydia’s head, she faints.
‘Mac’: Never fuck with my smokes, bitch.
Our second person we must show you is the evil grand vizier to the Sultan. The Sultan is just played by an old guy found on the streets. He’s pretty much exactly like the actual Sultan: sleepy, crazy, and horny. The grand vizier has blue skin and wears a fine black robe. Sound familiar? Probably. His name is Zig Zag, and he is played by ‘Mac’, because no other evil guy is alive but Crump, and he’d just talk about penguins and it’d be in the Antarctic, not some Arabian city which is not Baghdad.
The third person we will show you is a thief. Not unlike most thieves, he loves to steal stuff, and with that, has a tendency to get himself in too much trouble. He always stinks, and always wears a trash bag as clothes. It’s weird, but who’s complaining? He is played by…
We then go to a scene where ‘Mac’ walks into a small alleyway. A few hobos are seen sitting by a barrel full of fire. A strong wind blows through, which blows the fire out. A hobo sighs and looks over at a corner.
Hobo: Hey Zu-Zu, we need some fire here!
The corner reveals to be a man in a pitch black robe. He sighs and makes a fire ball in his hand. He then throws it at the barrel, alighting another fire. The man then throws a small spark at the hobo. His beard starts to alight as well.
Zuko: Don’t call me Zu-Zu.
‘Mac’, smirking and chuckling, walks over to Zuko. He offers his hand, which Zuko ignores. To his disliking, ‘Mac’ returns the hand.
‘Mac’: I need your help Zuko.
Zuko: What’s the price?
‘Mac’: The Hawaiian dumb-ass’s head.
Zuko: I’m in.
And finally, the last man, the cobbler, should be obvious. So we fade into there…
HHH is seen lying in a small shop, on a small bed. From the outside, through a door made of blankets, comes the thief, Zuko. He walks over to where HHH is sitting. He looks left, and then looks right, before going for his pocket. HHH grabs Zuko’s hand and aims a gun at him.
HHH: Hey, Zuko, care to explain where you were after the crash at Johnson’s place?
Zuko: Not really. Care to explain why you’ve gotten yourself in this movie?
HHH: I ask that myself every single time.
Zuko uses his other hand and throws the gun away. He then uses his foot and pushes HHH into a rack of tools and such. Zuko makes a fist and blasts it at HHH. He ducks and the fire thing hits the rack. It begins to burn.
HHH: My master is going to kill me.
Zuko: We never see your master.
HHH: Good point.
Hardhead, to his own surprise, does a nip-up, and then charges at Zuko.
Outside, in the streets, a bunch of people separate to allow a bunch more people to run through. These guys are wearing white, and look like they are any man’s bitch. Not too far behind them, comes Zig Zag, the royal grand vizier. He walks, almost like Mr. McMahon, down the streets on a never ending red carpet.
Zig Zag: By the end of this show, Noah will get me balls deep. Wow, and now I feel like singing Prince Ali.
Not too far up the road does he go, as the tussle between HHH and Zuko foils out into the streets. They stop right in front of Zig Zag. This causes him to trip over both of their bodies. Using the time he has, Zuko gets up and rushes away into the background. Zig Zag gets up and sees his tripper.
Zig Zag: Get him, take him, get seizing! Wait, Hunter? Wow that was easy.
The guards that followed Zig Zag pick HHH up in their arms and begin to drag him off.
In a nearby palace, the only one in the entire city coincidentally, we see Lydia, sitting in a chair. She looks in the mirror, mostly looking at her skin.
Lydia: When did I get a tan? Not that I’m complaining or anything.
With a shrug, she grabs a nearby tiara, putting it in her hair. She releases a large breath and then looks out a window.
Lydia: Hm, I wonder how I ended up in this world, and which world is it anyway?
While by the window, she grabs a flower, a blue one. While looking at it, she notices something in its background. Down on the drawbridge used as the door to the palace, she sees guards dragging away HHH. With that, she gasps and throws the flower out the window.
Lydia: Jack!
At the same time, HHH looks up at the window Lydia is at.
HHH: Lydia!
In a crowd of people forming to watch HHH get dragged off, in the front comes Zuko.
Zuko: I can’t get inside yet, so…
He looks through the doors into the actual city to see the three golden balls sitting on the needle on the tower.
Zuko: Hmm…
‘Mac’: Get me those three golden balls, he said, and the story will end with Jack Hunter dead.
Zuko: I wonder if those are the three golden balls he was talking about?
Back up in the tower, Lydia rushes from her room. She runs down a set of stairs before landing in a room. In this said room, a large man is sitting on a giant pillow. He’s sleeping full front. Lydia thinks to herself for a bit.
Lydia: Alright, so there’s a grand vizier, a sultan, a princess, and a down on his luck, poor guy……………Aladdin? No, that isn’t that terrible. That could only mean…
She gasps and stands next to the sleepy guy. She turns him around and it’s some old dude. She raises an eyebrow at him.
Lydia: Wow, you’re the Sultan?
Another red carpet rolls in and seats itself right in front of the Sultan. A trumpet begins to play. The Sultan suddenly springs to life.
Sultan: What?! Oh god, the VC’s are back!
From outside of the door, a pebble is thrown. It hits the forehead of the Sultan.
Sultan: What? Oh yeah…who is it?
Zig Zag walks into the room, followed shortly by his four bitches.
Zig Zag: Sultan, Sultan, have to no fear, Zig Zag your grand vizier is here!
Lydia: Mac!
With a sigh, Zig Zag snaps. Another pebble is thrown, this time at Lydia.
Sultan: Can I have my whisky yet?
Zig Zag: Something better, my royal leader, she’s hot, she’s cool, and you don’t have to feed her.
A large red curtained object is rolled into the room.
Zig Zag: It was picked up recently on my last embargo; it’s a playtoy of yours from…
He gets up close and whispers into his ear.
Zig Zag: Chicago.
The Sultan suddenly springs to life again.
Sultan: That’ll do!
Zig Zag: Oh! And I picked up something while I was on my way back, coincidentally, I was attacked!
He snaps his fingers and a group of guards walk in, HHH just walking in front of them.
Zig Zag: Sultan, sir, it is with my dread, that I have this cobbler, lose his head?
Sultan: Whatever, can I mess with the playtoy?
Zig Zag: As a gift, I do insist.
Lydia suddenly takes a black high heel shoe of hers and breaks it in half, behind the Sultan’s back.
Lydia: Actually, ‘father’, I need a cobbler.
Sultan: You can eat later.
Lydia: No, a shoe fixer, like this man is.
HHH notices Lydia and cracks a smile.
Sultan: Whatever, just let me off this pillow, I’m sinking.
Lydia does a yes with her fist and arm. Zig Zag’s smile slowly turns to a frown.
Lydia: Come on ‘cobbler’, let’s go.
The guards let go of HHH and he rushes off to join Lydia as they make their way into the castle.
Zig Zag: Of course your liege, how could I repeal; we must fix Yum-Yum’s royal high heel!
His last few words were strained and rage-filled. Zig Zag makes his way out of the room in a huff, his four bitches not too far behind.
Sultan: Yo playtoy, help me out here, this pillow is making me go to never ever land.
Playtoy: Ya’ll got my money?
The Sultan sinks further into the pillow, his arms flailing in the air.
Sultan: Son of a bitch!
Outside of the palace, Zuko is standing in front of the palace gates. He strokes his chin in thought. A bunch of horses start to walk into the city.
Zuko: Got it.
Not too far after that, do the horses continue onward. We focus on a single white horse. It walks straight into the city, no guards stopping it or anything. The horses end and we focus on the gates. Zuko walks up to them, but doesn’t stop.
Zuko: Let me through or burn!
He just walks right through the gates. He doesn’t stop when he walks onto cabbage cart.
Meanwhile, a large boulder, not too far away, is seen on a catapult.
Man: I hereby announce this catapult, as the longest catapult to remain down, ever.
Other Man: Here here!
The rope suddenly breaks, sending the rock across the street.
Man: Well fuck!
The rock lands on the end of the cart, sending Zuko across the city. He manages to crash through a window of the palace. Ironically, it happens to be Lydia’s bathroom.
Outside that exact room is HHH, sitting down at a table and fixing Lydia’s high heel. He examines it from top to bottom, forward to back, toe to heel.
In the bathroom, Zuko looks around before shaking his head quickly.
Zuko: If I was an exit, where would I-hello nurse!
He notices a bathing Lydia, sitting in her bath, her leg hanging up, and washing her back.
Zuko: Hm…
He walks slowly up to the bathing Lydia, and notices the brush washing her back, is golden. He swipes that from her hands and goes down.
Lydia: Hey, my back washer! Oh well, I have another.
She grabs one to her right, and Zuko grabs that as well.
Lydia: Hey, my back washer! Oh well, I have another.
When she goes to wash her back, Zuko just takes it.
Lydia: Hey, my back washer! Oh well, I have another.
Zuko (whisper): Jesus, it’s like she has a collection of back washers!
Zuko shakes his head and begins to crawl out of the room. Inside the next room, he crawls into. At that same time in the same room, HHH examines the shoe some more. He then twists it back into place.
HHH: Wow that was easy!
At that exact moment, Zuko crawls up behind him. They touch backs and wrap themselves around each other backwards. They slowly turn themselves around, and begin to walk the opposite way. Zuko reaches the exit where he quickly leaves. HHH reaches the bathroom door, before slowly turning around.
HHH: Wait…I’m not drunk, so why am I walking into a hot girl’s bath time?
He swiftly turns around and sees Zuko quickly leave. HHH is hot on his tail.
Zuko reaches a set of stairs and hops on top of the railing. He then slides down the railing, like a surfer. HHH tries to do that, but falls off the railing, going down all the way to the bottom floor. Zuko reaches the bottom of the railing and flies through a nearby window. That sends him down to the streets, landing in a vineyard full of trees, where he manages to get himself caught in some vines.
HHH reaches the bottom floor, and coincidentally, crashes into Zig Zag. They look up and see their victim.
HHH: You!
Zig Zag: Oh, cobbler, you’ve finished Yum Yum’s shoe, bitches, send him to the brig, shoo shoo!
HHH: Shoe and shoo don’t rhyme…
He is then dragged away by some guards.
HHH: Shoe and shoo don’t rhyme!
When HHH is out of sight, Zig Zag growls to himself before going towards a wall. He lowers a nearby torch’s lever, which then opens the wall, like a door. Zig Zag enters, and walks down a set of stairs. It’s in a cavern-like, basement area. When he reaches the bottom of the stairs, he opens a door to reveal an elevator. He enters and clicks the ‘up’ button. The elevator door closes and it begins to rise.
While in the elevator, “Never Had a Friend like Me” plays on the stereo.
At the top floor, Zig Zag exits to go into a room full of mechanical wonders, and a giant computer. Zig Zag reaches the computer and types some stuff in. With a sigh, Zig Zag wipes his face to reveal his blue skin is just face paint. He then rips off his beard to reveal….an actual beard. On the monitor soon pops up Noah.
Noah: Ah, yes, Mac, how is the mission going?
Zig Zag: I feel like this place is quickly running its course, if I can’t kill Jack by story, I’ll have to do it by force.
Noah: Mac, you can stop rhyming.
Zig Zag: Noah, sir, I can’t stop it at all, it’s this stupid fucking story, it’s driving me for a ball.
Noah: What is the issue exactly?
With a sigh, Zig Zag looks down, getting slowly angry. From a corner, comes a black bird, a vulture. It caws in Zig Zag’s ear.
Noah: Oh, Mac, feed your bird.
Zig Zag looks over at the vulture, and grabs it by its throat.
Zig Zag: Sir, Jack and girl have met face to face, if they console any longer, they’ll leave this place.
Noah: Then stop them, Zig Zag. There is one more character yet to be added.
Zig Zag opens his mouth, and uses the vulture’s beak to scratch his chin. He then widens his eyes and flings the vulture around, but he doesn't let it go.
Zig Zag: Yes, Mr. Noah, but I’ll be needing a ploy.
Noah: Why not use Crump’s little playtoy?
Zig Zag: You mean…
Noah: Crump’s little boy.
The two then share a loud evil laugh, loud enough that it can be heard from everywhere important…
From the dungeons where HHH lies…
HHH: Ah hell, that can’t be good.
From the tower where Lydia tries to sleep…
Lydia: Oh no…
And from the vineyard where Zuko finally escapes.
Zuko: Well now I feel like an ass-hole.
In the distance, we hear a voice. It’s HHH, shouting to Zuko.
HHH: You are an ass-hole!
After that, we hear Lydia add-in.
Lydia: Agreed!
Zuko: Wow thanks you guys!
The next morning, the Sultan managed to get himself out of the pillow, and the first words he says, without even looking, right when he wakes up are…
Sultan: The three balls are gone!
Playtoy: I still wanna be paid!
Sultan breathes quicker and harder. He soon stops and wipes his eyebrow of any sweat. He looks out the window, still panting, where he finds the balls are actually gone.
Sultan: The three balls are gone! My kingdom will come to destruction and death.
Meanwhile, at a place filled with lava pits and scary alligators, Zig Zag rides in on a horse, the vulture still in his grasp. It fits for its last breath, before fading to death. Eventually, after riding the horse through many a lava rock and weird soldiers staring silently down on him, he gets to the commander. He’s small, and is sitting on a bunch of fat ladies in bikinis. Zig Zag raises an eyebrow at this.
Zig Zag: So to get what I need, you are the obstacle? Kid, I would break like a stick from a Popsicle.
Zig Zag then starts a roaring laugh amongst himself. The commander glares down at Zig Zag. He then hops down off the fat ladies and walks over to Zig Zag. The commander stops, and looks Zig Zag up and down. When looking up, his helmet falls off, revealing a kid with long, brown, spiky hair.
Kid: Uncle Mac?
Zig Zag stops his laugh and looks back down at the kid.
Zig Zag: Listen, Mokuba, I’m gonna need to come clean. I’ve come here simply for your giant war machine.
Mokuba: Okay, just take them, but, can I stay here?
Zig Zag: No can do, Crump would kill me if I let you.
Mokuba: But I hate Master Crump!
Zig Zag looks up in the sky and lets out a sigh. Zig Zag kneels down in front of Mokuba, the hand with the vulture still in it sitting on Mokuba’s shoulder.
Zig Zag: I’ll tell you what, once I’m done, I’ll adopt you as a son, and you’ll never return to that mean old Crump.
Mokuba: Yay!
Mokuba hops in Zig Zag’s arms. He then lets him go, stands up, and clears his throat.
Zig Zag: Alrighty then, Mokuba, you wait here, I’ll take the machine, these guys, and be the lead tier.
Mokuba: Okay.
He hops back on his fat ladies in bikinis throne, happy as ever.
Meanwhile, in the city, a loud trumpet can be heard in the distance. Sultan looks out his window to see a large machine coming towards the palace. Leading the machine towards the palace is Zig Zag, the vulture still in his grasp.
From the tower, Lydia squints her eyes to take notice. From the dungeon, HHH squints his eyes to take notice. From a hiding place, Zuko uses a telescope to take notice. They are still a good distance away.
HHH: Alright, time to escape.
He grabs the two bars and rips them right off the place they are at. He manages to squeeze his large self through the window. He walks a few paces before hearing a squish. He looks down at the sole of his shoe and sees he stepped on something. He peals a white piece of goo off it.
HHH: Eww, I stepped on a white rat.
He then throws the goo away before running towards the front of the pack.
Lydia, having ran down the steps to join the front of the pack, sprints through the city to join Zuko.
Lydia: Oh my god, it’s Mac!
Zuko: Oh no, it’s alright Lydia, they’re still miles away.
He then takes the telescope off and sees they are a good 50 yards away.
Zuko: Holy shit!
This causes him to drop the telescope and fall into a cabbage cart behind him.
Meanwhile, on the other side of town, we see the people at the catapult resetting themselves, and the rock back in place.
Man: Now that we have used copper wire, there is no doubt in mind that this catapult won't break.
Other Man: Here here!
The wire suddenly breaks, sending the rock to the other side of the city.
Man: Ok, you’re fired.
Other Man: But it’s the only job I have!
He falls to his knees on the ground and begins to cry. He also pounds the ground to emphasize his sadness.
Meanwhile, on the other side of the city, the rock lands on the far side of the cabbage cart. This sends Zuko straight into the lion’s den, in the form of the giant machine.
Zuko: I have no regrets, except for failing to get that water tribe chiiiiick!
The words fade out into the distance as he falls into the machine.
Meanwhile, with Lydia, HHH joins her side. Lydia hugs him tightly, happy to see him.
Lydia: Oh Jack, thank goodness you’re here. We have to end this story.
HHH: But how, Mac is the only one who knows, and he’s evil and cooky.
Meanwhile, with Zig Zag, who is sitting on his horse. He raises the vulture to his mouth, and begins to speak. He then throws the vulture's corpse to the ground. He grabs a megaphone from a side saddle and speaks into it.
Zig Zag: Oh Sultan, I have a question, before you’re all dead, what was it exactly, the words that you said? It came along the lines of, let me be thinking; my kingdom will come to something and something.
Meanwhile, in the room where Sultan is at, he answers.
Sultan: Destruction and death?
Meanwhile, with Zig Zag…
Zig Zag: Don’t mind if I do!
He then throws the megaphone toward the group. It doesn’t get far; it only lands in front of the horse. With a sigh, Zig Zag gets another megaphone.
Zig Zag: Move on through!
Zig Zag’s horse begins to gallop further towards the group.
Meanwhile, with the front of the pack…
Lydia: Oh, whatever shall we do?
HHH: I don’t know, but I’ve still got your shoe.
He walks a few steps, the shoe in his hand, but manages to trip on the telescope Zuko threw away. This causes the shoe to be thrown. It is thrown with so much velocity that it goes past Zig Zag’s head, ricochets off a lot of metal objects belonging to the soldiers, and reaches the top of the machine. Zuko, now at that exact place, stretches his back before looking up.
The balls are now located at the tippy top of the machine, located on a needle not unlike the one in the city.
Zuko: Oh, hey the balls.
The shoe manages to reach Zuko’s butt, which pushes him up. He slowly, but surely, reaches the needle. He lands so that he’s right next to them.
Zuko: Hm, that’ll do.
He takes one ball off at a time. The first ball, he manages to let go. This ball falls down through the machine, landing on a soldier. This soldier falls forward, causing a domino effect for every other soldier. The last set of soldiers fall forward, off a platform, landing onto more soldiers below. This causes the platform those soldiers were on to break and fall into a lava bowl. This lava bowl spills over, sending lava onto every soldier on the battlefield, except for Zig Zag, which it stops by.
The second ball, after being taken off, also falls. This one manages to break a machine that brings the soldiers onto a platform. A soldier that was in the machine is sent into a bottomless abyss. The ones on the nearby platform are rocked by the machine, sending them off it. Every soldier that falls off it knocks a giant boulder off its platform. That boulder falls down so that it lands on more soldiers, and breaks that platform. The boulder then falls down onto a platform near a mine cart. It takes the platform behind it down to the ground.
The final ball, Zuko manages to grab onto…until he falls down with it. He lands into the mining cart. It then begins to roll itself further on the track until reaching a down portion. He does a cross on a chest before it goes down the steep hill. While going down the track, he avoids spikes, scissors, fire, an opera singer, knives, water, ice, rocks, and a guy with a tattoo paint-needle. After all of this, Zuko reaches the end of the track. He is sent flinging all the way out of the machine. Coincidentally, the other two balls join him in the cart. The cart itself is let go, as Zuko free falls with the balls in his hands. He eventually reaches a springboard, which he uses to spring himself, again, out of the machine. This sends him head first onto a rubber like substance, which he bounces along. The balls get free, but bounce along with Zuko. The four objects reach the end. Zuko just casually walks along, whistling. The three balls land right in his grasp. When he reaches the end, he falls down a large cavern. He eventually reaches the bottom, safe and sound thanks to more rubber.
Zuko walks off the rubber and out of the machine, the three balls in hand. He whistles a kindly tune before stopping. HHH, Lydia, and Zig Zag are all staring back at Zuko.
Zuko: What?
The shoe then suddenly falls onto Zuko’s head. He falls forward, the three balls rolling towards the group.
Zig Zag gets down off his horse and waits for the balls to get closer. When they’re right next to him, he begins to speak a rhyme.
Zig Zag: Oh mercy me, balls use to free these guys, now after all this time, these balls are-
HHH comes up and punches Zig Zag out. Lydia is soon to follow.
HHH: -mine! Hm, you know, we should just leave ‘Mac’ in here.
Lydia: Really?
HHH: Yeah, make him suffer the agony of living this movie out the way I did.
Lydia feels her chin a bit before shrugging.
Lydia: What about Zuko?
HHH: He’ll find his way out, he always does.
Lydia: Well then, let’s go?
She holds his hand, which he smiles at. HHH holds the three balls up, in one hand. The two then disappear in a golden light. When the light clears, Zig Zag gets up. He stretches a bit before wiping the blue face paint off, taking his fake beard off, and throwing his robe to the ground.
‘Mac’: This world is a hell I’d rather not redo. Where’s Jack and Lydia?
The shoe, on fire, is thrown at ‘Mac’.
‘Mac’: There’s her shoe!
It hits his face, setting him on fire immediately. He runs around like an insane, headless chicken before hitting the ground, right next to the vulture. His last breath is a small rhyme.
‘Mac’: The Big 5 will avenge me, but I fear my dead friend, that for ‘Mac’, the machinist, this is…
He then fades away, dead.
Zuko walks up right next to him, not saying much. He looks left, and then looks right. He then shrugs.
Zuko: I ain’t gonna finish it.
Meanwhile, at HHH’s house…
Lydia and HHH stand toe to toe with each other. Neither of them says anything.
HHH: Lydia, how will this work?
Lydia: Just because I’m a cartoon, doesn’t mean we can’t do this.
HHH sighs, before looking up at her.
Lydia: Well, see ya!
She quickly kisses HHH on his lips before scurrying away. She runs out the door that ‘Mac’ entered to begin with. It’s the exact same time that HHH was originally taken. Hardhead, a smile forming across his face, takes out the key to the cupboard, having been returned, and unlocks the said cupboard. At that moment, Derek and Stephanie return from their time freeze.
Stephanie: Hey Dad, what’s that? Ooh, can I keep them.
HHH sighs and puts the remains of the mechanical spider into the cupboard.
Derek: Hey Dad, everything alright?
HHH: Oh yeah, it’s all good. And Stephanie, you’re grounded again.
Stephanie: What? He used a condom!
HHH: Next time you bring a guy home, make sure I’m awake first.
The RP officially ends with HHH throwing the three balls into the cupboard, and closing them shut, the darkness of the cupboard signaling the end.
During the credits, we see HHH sitting on a car. A sick beat starts to play, and he looks like a normal white gangster would: backwards hat, Lakers jersey, falling cargo pants, and random white Nike’s he found in the trash. During the song, we see HHH sitting on the car, doing random break dance moves. We also see him walking down a street, bumping into random people. Mostly, we see him rapping in a room with walls everywhere, trapped. This is where most the rapping occurs.
Not Afraid (Spoof of Not Afraid by Eminem)
Yeah, it's been a ride
I guess I had to, win a few matches, to get to this one
Now some of you might not think I deserve it
If you're trying to think that, then fuck me
You’re an ass-hole
I'm not afraid (I'm not afraid)
To face you K (to face you K)
Everybody (everybody)
Thinks you’re gay (thinks you’re gay)
For getting arrested swiftly, so retarded
We’ll end this quickly, end what we started
Just letting you know that, you’re worse than Target
Holla if you feel like K is just a stupid fart and
You could try and sense the spoof on this monitor before you read ‘em
But you won't take the truth off them, sir, because I need ‘em
Cause ain't no way I’ll a stoop to lettin you think I’m not a beater
Cause I’m a bleeder or a cheater, don’t matter with your sneaker
that was a waste, not my fuckin fault, you’re a waste of cash
Askin for hate, you’re mother called, she wants her cash back
I’ma be what I just gotta be, without a doubt, ain’t stoppin me
And for you K, who’s rockin me, I'm glarin at your pocket beats
Cause they’re weak like you it’s not a dream, you’re not a king
From All Star down to the Sat. botch you’ll be
you’re still wishin, if you’re in da Gada da vi-
-da or it’s like the lottery, you take a chance, you’re outta her’
Whichever you choose, you’re just gonna lose
You’re married to your belt, like a fuck you from mommy
You’re life is a noose, waiting for you to refuse
a single fuckin win, dude, you gotta choose
I'm not afraid (I'm not afraid)
To face you K (to face you K)
Everybody (everybody)
Thinks you’re gay (thinks you’re gay)
For getting arrested swiftly, so retarded
We’ll end this quickly, end what we started
Just letting you know that, you’re worse than Target
Holla if you feel like K is just a stupid fart and
Okay quit playin with the cops and chicks, and cut the game
I shouldn't have to tell you how bad you are and shit for you to know this is gay
You said you was caught, you’re lyin through your gold, no wait
That ain’t gold, that’s just the yellow from your Teddy, who’s your mate
And to K’s mom, I’m sorry he turned out to not be straight
I tried all I could but he liked the cash Ted tried to relate
Let's be honest, that last ending was a cop
You couldn’t get me in bed so you had to feel my knob
Shut up, I’m tired of sayin the shit you forgot
All I’m tryin to say is, that last match was a fraud
And now I ain’t playin around
It's a game called hate and I do know how, to end this shit right now
And I think you want to know the secret, wow
I was right, well stand back and watch my tricks, it’s so profound
so shush, the secret to end this motherfuckin game of life now
Is for you lay down and stop this shit now!
I'm not afraid (I'm not afraid)
To face you K (to face you K)
Everybody (everybody)
Thinks you’re gay (thinks you’re gay)
For getting arrested swiftly, so retarded
We’ll end this quickly, end what we started
Just letting you know that, you’re worse than Target
Holla if you feel like K is just a stupid fart and
And I just can't keep goin this way
So starting next day, I'm endin all of this rage
I'm standing up, I'ma quit these songs
I'm manning up, I'ma win it fair
And square so now, I think I’ll leave
Time to win the title here so clean! (clean)
K, I’ll admit it, these isn’t the best diss, I’m just pissed
So if you get the jist, I’m just tired of losin, so fist to fist
to you, so I can come out a brand new man and tries to take from you
And you don’t even realize how focused I am on you
I been through the stages, of all the rage and hate and
I think I might just kill you, to take the title, straight up
so world, face it, I’m gonna be a winnin Sat., wait up
is it just me, or do you feel the danger?
I’m wantin to win, no more suckas for sin
it’s beginning to begin, the knockout of kin
It’s time to end just end it, sayonara, fin
take it, it’s time for me to claim my shit
Cause the way I feel, I'm strong enough to go to a shower
full of women who cower, but I’ll just be the overpower
Cause I’m famous
I’d shoot for the pie, but I'm too high on life to rewind
My win that came that night
After the above verse, on the street, he gets into a fight, all while singing. It results in him being thrown through a glass window, breaking his trapped self free. The guy grabs the trapped version of HHH out. It then returns to HHH on the car, and ends there, with him doing dance moves, and falling off the car.
I'm not afraid (I'm not afraid)
To face you K (to face you K)
Everybody (everybody)
Thinks you’re gay (thinks you’re gay)
For getting arrested swiftly, so retarded
We’ll end this quickly, end what we started
Just letting you know that, you’re worse than Target
Holla if you feel like K is just a stupid fart and
At the end, the three versions of him are seen in a hospital, each in the same room, in separate rooms. The car HHH has a broken leg, the trapped HHH has a cast everywhere, and the street HHH is stomach down on the bed, glass in his back.
“Enough is enough, and it's time for a change.” – Owen Hart
and
Strangely Erotic Productions
present
The Thief and the Dumb-ass
A Parody of The Thief and the Cobbler
To start off this glorious tale of major and utter fail, we zoom in to a scene among many: a fat man lying in his bed. It’s a gorgeous thought, is it not? Upon the camera zooming in some more, we see this man is Hawaiian Hardhead, and like most of these films, he gets up from his sleepy stupor. With an elongated yawn, he sits up in his bed. He looks around his room before walking over to a mirror. He examines his exposed fat, of what little there is, before grabbing some jeans off a nearby dresser. He puts the said jeans on and stumbles over to a night stand, attempting to walk while getting the zipper up. When it looks there to stay, he grabs a Hawaiian shirt off it. He walks back to the mirror and buttons it up to the top. After examining his fat once more, he shakes his head and exits his room.
The first thing he sees after exiting is his daughter coming out of her room. She has a robe that looks half way down her shoulder and her hair looks completely entangled. HHH opens his mouth and raises his finger before lowering both.
HHH: Who is he this time?
She rolls her eyes and goes back into her room.
HHH: Stephanie!
She ignores him and just slams her door closed. The upstairs rattles from the impact. With a sigh, he walks down the stairs and travels right into the kitchen, where his son sits, reading an unknown magazine. When HHH arrives, he grabs the mag from him and goes to a cupboard.
HHH: Derek, I told you to stop getting into my cupboard.
Derek: I know dad, but-
HHH: Derek, I told you, the second you hit 16, the keys is yours.
Derek: My birthday’s in three weeks.
HHH sighs and walks over to his son. He puts the key right in front of his face.
HHH: I know, and in three weeks, the key is yours.
When Derek tries to go for it, HHH walks away. He puts the mag into the cupboard and locks a lock that is in it. He puts the key in his pocket and goes to a coffee maker.
HHH: But until then, the key will stay in my pocket. Trust me, as you probably know, these magazines are not just for one’s enjoyment, they contain things that the world should not ever see.
Not too far away, actually, across the street in a non-conspicuous black minivan, sits a set of computers. On the computers’ monitors is HHH’s kitchen. In a chair nearby, we see a man in a tuxedo. He also has a noticeable beard and goatee combo that sits on his chin. With a sigh, he clicks a few buttons on the computer, and the audio turns up. From the monitor, we hear HHH talking to his son.
HHH: It contains things that a man would only fear of, things that the young eye should never see.
Derek: Dad, men view Penthouses everyday.
HHH: No son, things much worse than Penthouse or Playboy.
The bearded, suited man sitting in his chair, scratches his chin with curiosity. He clicks a few more buttons on his computer. A vision of a young kid pops up. He has green hair, and he looks about thirteen.
Kid: What do you want Mac?
The man, apparently known as ‘Mac’ clicks a few buttons on the computer keyboard, and the audio from HHH’s conversation is heard by this kid. We go back inside the house to see the two talk.
Derek: So, Dad, what’s so bad about this…‘thing’ in the cupboard?
HHH: Oh, let’s just say that I was drunk one night, I bought something I shouldn’t have, and me and my scandalous group of rapscallions decided to watch it. We didn’t know it at the time, but just looking at it changed our lives.
Derek: How?
HHH: Everything we knew and loved as a child, it was all killed by this single movie. And the sad part is, it was created by the people who made everything we knew and loved as a child.
Derek gasps at this. Back in the van, we see the kid grow a small smirk.
‘Mac’: What should we do Mr. Noah?
The man had a Russian accent in his voice. It was thick and could be heard in a crowded room. The kid on the screen added a chuckle to his look.
Noah: Send him into that world.
‘Mac’: On it, but what about his friends?
Noah: A lonely Hawaiian dumb-ass is easier to beat that a Hawaiian dumb-ass with his butt buddies.
Mac adds a smirk to what Noah just said.
‘Mac’: Well said.
The picture of Noah disappears. Mac types a few things on his keyboard, and an antenna that sat on the roof of the van starts to move. Eventually, he aims inside directly at HHH. This 'Mac' types in a few more things, and then clicks a button. The antenna starts to emit a blue laser like thing before blasting directly at HHH. Unbeknownst to him, time freezes. Derek is left with his mouth wide open and Stephanie is left halfway down the stairs.
HHH: Let’s just say it was the worst moment of my life.
Hardhead stops talking and just looks at Derek.
HHH: Derek?
He waves a hand in front of his son a bit. He looks out a window that leads outside and sees various kids go by. Out of the van steps ‘Mac’, and he starts to walk across the street. HHH squints his eyes and looks closer. A knock comes at the door, but HHH doesn’t answer. He just steps back, and begins to look through various sorts of drawers and cupboards. ‘Mac’ knocks again, but again, HHH ignores it. The third time, ‘Mac’ gives up and steps back from the door. He grabs a small ball from his suit jacket and throws it through the window. It lands on the floor.
The ball then opens up into a mechanical, spider-like creature. He walks around the table, and without HHH’s knowledge, it bites him in the ankle. Hardhead’s head hits the counter with a thud. His body on the other hand, falls back, landing right on the spider. It breaks on impact.
‘Mac’, still outside, punches through the glass on the door and reaches down through it. He feels for the doorknob and then turns it, the door opening. All ‘Mac’ does is walk over to HHH. He feels in a few pockets, to his hate, and finds the key to the ‘secret cupboard’. He starts to walk towards it, but stops when he sees a piece of his mechanical spider.
‘Mac’: Oh, you broke my spider.
With a sigh, ‘Mac’ walks over to the cupboard and unlocks the lock. He tosses this said lock to the floor and looks inside. All he finds are various forms of Penthouses and Playboys, but nothing really secretive. It’s then that he notices a tape labeled ‘Do Not Watch: You Will Want to Die in Seven Seconds.’ With a smirk, ‘Mac’ takes the tape, putting it in his suit jacket. He then grabs the head and shoulders of HHH, slowly dragging him out of the room.
Before we continue with this tale, a large city must be described. In this city, is where this tale truly begins. See, this city is unlike any city, as this city is filled with various forms of gold. You could call it a Golden City, but this isn’t a spoof of The Road to El Dorado. This city is filled with various people, but also houses the matriarchs of our tale. But before they are introduced, I must inform you of three golden balls. Feel free to laugh now, but they are important. They sit atop a large tower, with them fitted into a spike, like shish kabob. They go from smallest to largest from top to bottom, and unsurprisingly, they are also golden, thus why they are called the “Three Golden Balls.”
Now, the first person introduced in this tail is a beautiful princess, named Princess Yum-Yum, and not unlike the original source material princess, she is dressed like an Arabian whore. She’s got a tiara with a feather above it, a veil in front of her face, some tight ass purple jeans that show her ass off wonderfully, and a red top that might as well reveal her boobs to the whole world. The person who’s playing her…?
We head off to a small scene where ‘Mac’ is seen in a forest. He’s leaning on his minivan. He also lights up a cigarette. After one blow at it, a knife comes and throws it away. ‘Mac’ looks over and sees Lydia.
Lydia: What do you want Mac?
‘Mac’: You.
He then gets a remote out of his pants pocket and clicks a button. Lydia looks down and sees she’s standing on a small vent. A green gas starts to emit from it. When it reaches Lydia’s head, she faints.
‘Mac’: Never fuck with my smokes, bitch.
Our second person we must show you is the evil grand vizier to the Sultan. The Sultan is just played by an old guy found on the streets. He’s pretty much exactly like the actual Sultan: sleepy, crazy, and horny. The grand vizier has blue skin and wears a fine black robe. Sound familiar? Probably. His name is Zig Zag, and he is played by ‘Mac’, because no other evil guy is alive but Crump, and he’d just talk about penguins and it’d be in the Antarctic, not some Arabian city which is not Baghdad.
The third person we will show you is a thief. Not unlike most thieves, he loves to steal stuff, and with that, has a tendency to get himself in too much trouble. He always stinks, and always wears a trash bag as clothes. It’s weird, but who’s complaining? He is played by…
We then go to a scene where ‘Mac’ walks into a small alleyway. A few hobos are seen sitting by a barrel full of fire. A strong wind blows through, which blows the fire out. A hobo sighs and looks over at a corner.
Hobo: Hey Zu-Zu, we need some fire here!
The corner reveals to be a man in a pitch black robe. He sighs and makes a fire ball in his hand. He then throws it at the barrel, alighting another fire. The man then throws a small spark at the hobo. His beard starts to alight as well.
Zuko: Don’t call me Zu-Zu.
‘Mac’, smirking and chuckling, walks over to Zuko. He offers his hand, which Zuko ignores. To his disliking, ‘Mac’ returns the hand.
‘Mac’: I need your help Zuko.
Zuko: What’s the price?
‘Mac’: The Hawaiian dumb-ass’s head.
Zuko: I’m in.
And finally, the last man, the cobbler, should be obvious. So we fade into there…
HHH is seen lying in a small shop, on a small bed. From the outside, through a door made of blankets, comes the thief, Zuko. He walks over to where HHH is sitting. He looks left, and then looks right, before going for his pocket. HHH grabs Zuko’s hand and aims a gun at him.
HHH: Hey, Zuko, care to explain where you were after the crash at Johnson’s place?
Zuko: Not really. Care to explain why you’ve gotten yourself in this movie?
HHH: I ask that myself every single time.
Zuko uses his other hand and throws the gun away. He then uses his foot and pushes HHH into a rack of tools and such. Zuko makes a fist and blasts it at HHH. He ducks and the fire thing hits the rack. It begins to burn.
HHH: My master is going to kill me.
Zuko: We never see your master.
HHH: Good point.
Hardhead, to his own surprise, does a nip-up, and then charges at Zuko.
Outside, in the streets, a bunch of people separate to allow a bunch more people to run through. These guys are wearing white, and look like they are any man’s bitch. Not too far behind them, comes Zig Zag, the royal grand vizier. He walks, almost like Mr. McMahon, down the streets on a never ending red carpet.
Zig Zag: By the end of this show, Noah will get me balls deep. Wow, and now I feel like singing Prince Ali.
Not too far up the road does he go, as the tussle between HHH and Zuko foils out into the streets. They stop right in front of Zig Zag. This causes him to trip over both of their bodies. Using the time he has, Zuko gets up and rushes away into the background. Zig Zag gets up and sees his tripper.
Zig Zag: Get him, take him, get seizing! Wait, Hunter? Wow that was easy.
The guards that followed Zig Zag pick HHH up in their arms and begin to drag him off.
In a nearby palace, the only one in the entire city coincidentally, we see Lydia, sitting in a chair. She looks in the mirror, mostly looking at her skin.
Lydia: When did I get a tan? Not that I’m complaining or anything.
With a shrug, she grabs a nearby tiara, putting it in her hair. She releases a large breath and then looks out a window.
Lydia: Hm, I wonder how I ended up in this world, and which world is it anyway?
While by the window, she grabs a flower, a blue one. While looking at it, she notices something in its background. Down on the drawbridge used as the door to the palace, she sees guards dragging away HHH. With that, she gasps and throws the flower out the window.
Lydia: Jack!
At the same time, HHH looks up at the window Lydia is at.
HHH: Lydia!
In a crowd of people forming to watch HHH get dragged off, in the front comes Zuko.
Zuko: I can’t get inside yet, so…
He looks through the doors into the actual city to see the three golden balls sitting on the needle on the tower.
Zuko: Hmm…
‘Mac’: Get me those three golden balls, he said, and the story will end with Jack Hunter dead.
Zuko: I wonder if those are the three golden balls he was talking about?
Back up in the tower, Lydia rushes from her room. She runs down a set of stairs before landing in a room. In this said room, a large man is sitting on a giant pillow. He’s sleeping full front. Lydia thinks to herself for a bit.
Lydia: Alright, so there’s a grand vizier, a sultan, a princess, and a down on his luck, poor guy……………Aladdin? No, that isn’t that terrible. That could only mean…
She gasps and stands next to the sleepy guy. She turns him around and it’s some old dude. She raises an eyebrow at him.
Lydia: Wow, you’re the Sultan?
Another red carpet rolls in and seats itself right in front of the Sultan. A trumpet begins to play. The Sultan suddenly springs to life.
Sultan: What?! Oh god, the VC’s are back!
From outside of the door, a pebble is thrown. It hits the forehead of the Sultan.
Sultan: What? Oh yeah…who is it?
Zig Zag walks into the room, followed shortly by his four bitches.
Zig Zag: Sultan, Sultan, have to no fear, Zig Zag your grand vizier is here!
Lydia: Mac!
With a sigh, Zig Zag snaps. Another pebble is thrown, this time at Lydia.
Sultan: Can I have my whisky yet?
Zig Zag: Something better, my royal leader, she’s hot, she’s cool, and you don’t have to feed her.
A large red curtained object is rolled into the room.
Zig Zag: It was picked up recently on my last embargo; it’s a playtoy of yours from…
He gets up close and whispers into his ear.
Zig Zag: Chicago.
The Sultan suddenly springs to life again.
Sultan: That’ll do!
Zig Zag: Oh! And I picked up something while I was on my way back, coincidentally, I was attacked!
He snaps his fingers and a group of guards walk in, HHH just walking in front of them.
Zig Zag: Sultan, sir, it is with my dread, that I have this cobbler, lose his head?
Sultan: Whatever, can I mess with the playtoy?
Zig Zag: As a gift, I do insist.
Lydia suddenly takes a black high heel shoe of hers and breaks it in half, behind the Sultan’s back.
Lydia: Actually, ‘father’, I need a cobbler.
Sultan: You can eat later.
Lydia: No, a shoe fixer, like this man is.
HHH notices Lydia and cracks a smile.
Sultan: Whatever, just let me off this pillow, I’m sinking.
Lydia does a yes with her fist and arm. Zig Zag’s smile slowly turns to a frown.
Lydia: Come on ‘cobbler’, let’s go.
The guards let go of HHH and he rushes off to join Lydia as they make their way into the castle.
Zig Zag: Of course your liege, how could I repeal; we must fix Yum-Yum’s royal high heel!
His last few words were strained and rage-filled. Zig Zag makes his way out of the room in a huff, his four bitches not too far behind.
Sultan: Yo playtoy, help me out here, this pillow is making me go to never ever land.
Playtoy: Ya’ll got my money?
The Sultan sinks further into the pillow, his arms flailing in the air.
Sultan: Son of a bitch!
Outside of the palace, Zuko is standing in front of the palace gates. He strokes his chin in thought. A bunch of horses start to walk into the city.
Zuko: Got it.
Not too far after that, do the horses continue onward. We focus on a single white horse. It walks straight into the city, no guards stopping it or anything. The horses end and we focus on the gates. Zuko walks up to them, but doesn’t stop.
Zuko: Let me through or burn!
He just walks right through the gates. He doesn’t stop when he walks onto cabbage cart.
Meanwhile, a large boulder, not too far away, is seen on a catapult.
Man: I hereby announce this catapult, as the longest catapult to remain down, ever.
Other Man: Here here!
The rope suddenly breaks, sending the rock across the street.
Man: Well fuck!
The rock lands on the end of the cart, sending Zuko across the city. He manages to crash through a window of the palace. Ironically, it happens to be Lydia’s bathroom.
Outside that exact room is HHH, sitting down at a table and fixing Lydia’s high heel. He examines it from top to bottom, forward to back, toe to heel.
In the bathroom, Zuko looks around before shaking his head quickly.
Zuko: If I was an exit, where would I-hello nurse!
He notices a bathing Lydia, sitting in her bath, her leg hanging up, and washing her back.
Zuko: Hm…
He walks slowly up to the bathing Lydia, and notices the brush washing her back, is golden. He swipes that from her hands and goes down.
Lydia: Hey, my back washer! Oh well, I have another.
She grabs one to her right, and Zuko grabs that as well.
Lydia: Hey, my back washer! Oh well, I have another.
When she goes to wash her back, Zuko just takes it.
Lydia: Hey, my back washer! Oh well, I have another.
Zuko (whisper): Jesus, it’s like she has a collection of back washers!
Zuko shakes his head and begins to crawl out of the room. Inside the next room, he crawls into. At that same time in the same room, HHH examines the shoe some more. He then twists it back into place.
HHH: Wow that was easy!
At that exact moment, Zuko crawls up behind him. They touch backs and wrap themselves around each other backwards. They slowly turn themselves around, and begin to walk the opposite way. Zuko reaches the exit where he quickly leaves. HHH reaches the bathroom door, before slowly turning around.
HHH: Wait…I’m not drunk, so why am I walking into a hot girl’s bath time?
He swiftly turns around and sees Zuko quickly leave. HHH is hot on his tail.
Zuko reaches a set of stairs and hops on top of the railing. He then slides down the railing, like a surfer. HHH tries to do that, but falls off the railing, going down all the way to the bottom floor. Zuko reaches the bottom of the railing and flies through a nearby window. That sends him down to the streets, landing in a vineyard full of trees, where he manages to get himself caught in some vines.
HHH reaches the bottom floor, and coincidentally, crashes into Zig Zag. They look up and see their victim.
HHH: You!
Zig Zag: Oh, cobbler, you’ve finished Yum Yum’s shoe, bitches, send him to the brig, shoo shoo!
HHH: Shoe and shoo don’t rhyme…
He is then dragged away by some guards.
HHH: Shoe and shoo don’t rhyme!
When HHH is out of sight, Zig Zag growls to himself before going towards a wall. He lowers a nearby torch’s lever, which then opens the wall, like a door. Zig Zag enters, and walks down a set of stairs. It’s in a cavern-like, basement area. When he reaches the bottom of the stairs, he opens a door to reveal an elevator. He enters and clicks the ‘up’ button. The elevator door closes and it begins to rise.
While in the elevator, “Never Had a Friend like Me” plays on the stereo.
At the top floor, Zig Zag exits to go into a room full of mechanical wonders, and a giant computer. Zig Zag reaches the computer and types some stuff in. With a sigh, Zig Zag wipes his face to reveal his blue skin is just face paint. He then rips off his beard to reveal….an actual beard. On the monitor soon pops up Noah.
Noah: Ah, yes, Mac, how is the mission going?
Zig Zag: I feel like this place is quickly running its course, if I can’t kill Jack by story, I’ll have to do it by force.
Noah: Mac, you can stop rhyming.
Zig Zag: Noah, sir, I can’t stop it at all, it’s this stupid fucking story, it’s driving me for a ball.
Noah: What is the issue exactly?
With a sigh, Zig Zag looks down, getting slowly angry. From a corner, comes a black bird, a vulture. It caws in Zig Zag’s ear.
Noah: Oh, Mac, feed your bird.
Zig Zag looks over at the vulture, and grabs it by its throat.
Zig Zag: Sir, Jack and girl have met face to face, if they console any longer, they’ll leave this place.
Noah: Then stop them, Zig Zag. There is one more character yet to be added.
Zig Zag opens his mouth, and uses the vulture’s beak to scratch his chin. He then widens his eyes and flings the vulture around, but he doesn't let it go.
Zig Zag: Yes, Mr. Noah, but I’ll be needing a ploy.
Noah: Why not use Crump’s little playtoy?
Zig Zag: You mean…
Noah: Crump’s little boy.
The two then share a loud evil laugh, loud enough that it can be heard from everywhere important…
From the dungeons where HHH lies…
HHH: Ah hell, that can’t be good.
From the tower where Lydia tries to sleep…
Lydia: Oh no…
And from the vineyard where Zuko finally escapes.
Zuko: Well now I feel like an ass-hole.
In the distance, we hear a voice. It’s HHH, shouting to Zuko.
HHH: You are an ass-hole!
After that, we hear Lydia add-in.
Lydia: Agreed!
Zuko: Wow thanks you guys!
The next morning, the Sultan managed to get himself out of the pillow, and the first words he says, without even looking, right when he wakes up are…
Sultan: The three balls are gone!
Playtoy: I still wanna be paid!
Sultan breathes quicker and harder. He soon stops and wipes his eyebrow of any sweat. He looks out the window, still panting, where he finds the balls are actually gone.
Sultan: The three balls are gone! My kingdom will come to destruction and death.
Meanwhile, at a place filled with lava pits and scary alligators, Zig Zag rides in on a horse, the vulture still in his grasp. It fits for its last breath, before fading to death. Eventually, after riding the horse through many a lava rock and weird soldiers staring silently down on him, he gets to the commander. He’s small, and is sitting on a bunch of fat ladies in bikinis. Zig Zag raises an eyebrow at this.
Zig Zag: So to get what I need, you are the obstacle? Kid, I would break like a stick from a Popsicle.
Zig Zag then starts a roaring laugh amongst himself. The commander glares down at Zig Zag. He then hops down off the fat ladies and walks over to Zig Zag. The commander stops, and looks Zig Zag up and down. When looking up, his helmet falls off, revealing a kid with long, brown, spiky hair.
Kid: Uncle Mac?
Zig Zag stops his laugh and looks back down at the kid.
Zig Zag: Listen, Mokuba, I’m gonna need to come clean. I’ve come here simply for your giant war machine.
Mokuba: Okay, just take them, but, can I stay here?
Zig Zag: No can do, Crump would kill me if I let you.
Mokuba: But I hate Master Crump!
Zig Zag looks up in the sky and lets out a sigh. Zig Zag kneels down in front of Mokuba, the hand with the vulture still in it sitting on Mokuba’s shoulder.
Zig Zag: I’ll tell you what, once I’m done, I’ll adopt you as a son, and you’ll never return to that mean old Crump.
Mokuba: Yay!
Mokuba hops in Zig Zag’s arms. He then lets him go, stands up, and clears his throat.
Zig Zag: Alrighty then, Mokuba, you wait here, I’ll take the machine, these guys, and be the lead tier.
Mokuba: Okay.
He hops back on his fat ladies in bikinis throne, happy as ever.
Meanwhile, in the city, a loud trumpet can be heard in the distance. Sultan looks out his window to see a large machine coming towards the palace. Leading the machine towards the palace is Zig Zag, the vulture still in his grasp.
From the tower, Lydia squints her eyes to take notice. From the dungeon, HHH squints his eyes to take notice. From a hiding place, Zuko uses a telescope to take notice. They are still a good distance away.
HHH: Alright, time to escape.
He grabs the two bars and rips them right off the place they are at. He manages to squeeze his large self through the window. He walks a few paces before hearing a squish. He looks down at the sole of his shoe and sees he stepped on something. He peals a white piece of goo off it.
HHH: Eww, I stepped on a white rat.
He then throws the goo away before running towards the front of the pack.
Lydia, having ran down the steps to join the front of the pack, sprints through the city to join Zuko.
Lydia: Oh my god, it’s Mac!
Zuko: Oh no, it’s alright Lydia, they’re still miles away.
He then takes the telescope off and sees they are a good 50 yards away.
Zuko: Holy shit!
This causes him to drop the telescope and fall into a cabbage cart behind him.
Meanwhile, on the other side of town, we see the people at the catapult resetting themselves, and the rock back in place.
Man: Now that we have used copper wire, there is no doubt in mind that this catapult won't break.
Other Man: Here here!
The wire suddenly breaks, sending the rock to the other side of the city.
Man: Ok, you’re fired.
Other Man: But it’s the only job I have!
He falls to his knees on the ground and begins to cry. He also pounds the ground to emphasize his sadness.
Meanwhile, on the other side of the city, the rock lands on the far side of the cabbage cart. This sends Zuko straight into the lion’s den, in the form of the giant machine.
Zuko: I have no regrets, except for failing to get that water tribe chiiiiick!
The words fade out into the distance as he falls into the machine.
Meanwhile, with Lydia, HHH joins her side. Lydia hugs him tightly, happy to see him.
Lydia: Oh Jack, thank goodness you’re here. We have to end this story.
HHH: But how, Mac is the only one who knows, and he’s evil and cooky.
Meanwhile, with Zig Zag, who is sitting on his horse. He raises the vulture to his mouth, and begins to speak. He then throws the vulture's corpse to the ground. He grabs a megaphone from a side saddle and speaks into it.
Zig Zag: Oh Sultan, I have a question, before you’re all dead, what was it exactly, the words that you said? It came along the lines of, let me be thinking; my kingdom will come to something and something.
Meanwhile, in the room where Sultan is at, he answers.
Sultan: Destruction and death?
Meanwhile, with Zig Zag…
Zig Zag: Don’t mind if I do!
He then throws the megaphone toward the group. It doesn’t get far; it only lands in front of the horse. With a sigh, Zig Zag gets another megaphone.
Zig Zag: Move on through!
Zig Zag’s horse begins to gallop further towards the group.
Meanwhile, with the front of the pack…
Lydia: Oh, whatever shall we do?
HHH: I don’t know, but I’ve still got your shoe.
He walks a few steps, the shoe in his hand, but manages to trip on the telescope Zuko threw away. This causes the shoe to be thrown. It is thrown with so much velocity that it goes past Zig Zag’s head, ricochets off a lot of metal objects belonging to the soldiers, and reaches the top of the machine. Zuko, now at that exact place, stretches his back before looking up.
The balls are now located at the tippy top of the machine, located on a needle not unlike the one in the city.
Zuko: Oh, hey the balls.
The shoe manages to reach Zuko’s butt, which pushes him up. He slowly, but surely, reaches the needle. He lands so that he’s right next to them.
Zuko: Hm, that’ll do.
He takes one ball off at a time. The first ball, he manages to let go. This ball falls down through the machine, landing on a soldier. This soldier falls forward, causing a domino effect for every other soldier. The last set of soldiers fall forward, off a platform, landing onto more soldiers below. This causes the platform those soldiers were on to break and fall into a lava bowl. This lava bowl spills over, sending lava onto every soldier on the battlefield, except for Zig Zag, which it stops by.
The second ball, after being taken off, also falls. This one manages to break a machine that brings the soldiers onto a platform. A soldier that was in the machine is sent into a bottomless abyss. The ones on the nearby platform are rocked by the machine, sending them off it. Every soldier that falls off it knocks a giant boulder off its platform. That boulder falls down so that it lands on more soldiers, and breaks that platform. The boulder then falls down onto a platform near a mine cart. It takes the platform behind it down to the ground.
The final ball, Zuko manages to grab onto…until he falls down with it. He lands into the mining cart. It then begins to roll itself further on the track until reaching a down portion. He does a cross on a chest before it goes down the steep hill. While going down the track, he avoids spikes, scissors, fire, an opera singer, knives, water, ice, rocks, and a guy with a tattoo paint-needle. After all of this, Zuko reaches the end of the track. He is sent flinging all the way out of the machine. Coincidentally, the other two balls join him in the cart. The cart itself is let go, as Zuko free falls with the balls in his hands. He eventually reaches a springboard, which he uses to spring himself, again, out of the machine. This sends him head first onto a rubber like substance, which he bounces along. The balls get free, but bounce along with Zuko. The four objects reach the end. Zuko just casually walks along, whistling. The three balls land right in his grasp. When he reaches the end, he falls down a large cavern. He eventually reaches the bottom, safe and sound thanks to more rubber.
Zuko walks off the rubber and out of the machine, the three balls in hand. He whistles a kindly tune before stopping. HHH, Lydia, and Zig Zag are all staring back at Zuko.
Zuko: What?
The shoe then suddenly falls onto Zuko’s head. He falls forward, the three balls rolling towards the group.
Zig Zag gets down off his horse and waits for the balls to get closer. When they’re right next to him, he begins to speak a rhyme.
Zig Zag: Oh mercy me, balls use to free these guys, now after all this time, these balls are-
HHH comes up and punches Zig Zag out. Lydia is soon to follow.
HHH: -mine! Hm, you know, we should just leave ‘Mac’ in here.
Lydia: Really?
HHH: Yeah, make him suffer the agony of living this movie out the way I did.
Lydia feels her chin a bit before shrugging.
Lydia: What about Zuko?
HHH: He’ll find his way out, he always does.
Lydia: Well then, let’s go?
She holds his hand, which he smiles at. HHH holds the three balls up, in one hand. The two then disappear in a golden light. When the light clears, Zig Zag gets up. He stretches a bit before wiping the blue face paint off, taking his fake beard off, and throwing his robe to the ground.
‘Mac’: This world is a hell I’d rather not redo. Where’s Jack and Lydia?
The shoe, on fire, is thrown at ‘Mac’.
‘Mac’: There’s her shoe!
It hits his face, setting him on fire immediately. He runs around like an insane, headless chicken before hitting the ground, right next to the vulture. His last breath is a small rhyme.
‘Mac’: The Big 5 will avenge me, but I fear my dead friend, that for ‘Mac’, the machinist, this is…
He then fades away, dead.
Zuko walks up right next to him, not saying much. He looks left, and then looks right. He then shrugs.
Zuko: I ain’t gonna finish it.
Meanwhile, at HHH’s house…
Lydia and HHH stand toe to toe with each other. Neither of them says anything.
HHH: Lydia, how will this work?
Lydia: Just because I’m a cartoon, doesn’t mean we can’t do this.
HHH sighs, before looking up at her.
Lydia: Well, see ya!
She quickly kisses HHH on his lips before scurrying away. She runs out the door that ‘Mac’ entered to begin with. It’s the exact same time that HHH was originally taken. Hardhead, a smile forming across his face, takes out the key to the cupboard, having been returned, and unlocks the said cupboard. At that moment, Derek and Stephanie return from their time freeze.
Stephanie: Hey Dad, what’s that? Ooh, can I keep them.
HHH sighs and puts the remains of the mechanical spider into the cupboard.
Derek: Hey Dad, everything alright?
HHH: Oh yeah, it’s all good. And Stephanie, you’re grounded again.
Stephanie: What? He used a condom!
HHH: Next time you bring a guy home, make sure I’m awake first.
The RP officially ends with HHH throwing the three balls into the cupboard, and closing them shut, the darkness of the cupboard signaling the end.
During the credits, we see HHH sitting on a car. A sick beat starts to play, and he looks like a normal white gangster would: backwards hat, Lakers jersey, falling cargo pants, and random white Nike’s he found in the trash. During the song, we see HHH sitting on the car, doing random break dance moves. We also see him walking down a street, bumping into random people. Mostly, we see him rapping in a room with walls everywhere, trapped. This is where most the rapping occurs.
Not Afraid (Spoof of Not Afraid by Eminem)
Yeah, it's been a ride
I guess I had to, win a few matches, to get to this one
Now some of you might not think I deserve it
If you're trying to think that, then fuck me
You’re an ass-hole
I'm not afraid (I'm not afraid)
To face you K (to face you K)
Everybody (everybody)
Thinks you’re gay (thinks you’re gay)
For getting arrested swiftly, so retarded
We’ll end this quickly, end what we started
Just letting you know that, you’re worse than Target
Holla if you feel like K is just a stupid fart and
You could try and sense the spoof on this monitor before you read ‘em
But you won't take the truth off them, sir, because I need ‘em
Cause ain't no way I’ll a stoop to lettin you think I’m not a beater
Cause I’m a bleeder or a cheater, don’t matter with your sneaker
that was a waste, not my fuckin fault, you’re a waste of cash
Askin for hate, you’re mother called, she wants her cash back
I’ma be what I just gotta be, without a doubt, ain’t stoppin me
And for you K, who’s rockin me, I'm glarin at your pocket beats
Cause they’re weak like you it’s not a dream, you’re not a king
From All Star down to the Sat. botch you’ll be
you’re still wishin, if you’re in da Gada da vi-
-da or it’s like the lottery, you take a chance, you’re outta her’
Whichever you choose, you’re just gonna lose
You’re married to your belt, like a fuck you from mommy
You’re life is a noose, waiting for you to refuse
a single fuckin win, dude, you gotta choose
I'm not afraid (I'm not afraid)
To face you K (to face you K)
Everybody (everybody)
Thinks you’re gay (thinks you’re gay)
For getting arrested swiftly, so retarded
We’ll end this quickly, end what we started
Just letting you know that, you’re worse than Target
Holla if you feel like K is just a stupid fart and
Okay quit playin with the cops and chicks, and cut the game
I shouldn't have to tell you how bad you are and shit for you to know this is gay
You said you was caught, you’re lyin through your gold, no wait
That ain’t gold, that’s just the yellow from your Teddy, who’s your mate
And to K’s mom, I’m sorry he turned out to not be straight
I tried all I could but he liked the cash Ted tried to relate
Let's be honest, that last ending was a cop
You couldn’t get me in bed so you had to feel my knob
Shut up, I’m tired of sayin the shit you forgot
All I’m tryin to say is, that last match was a fraud
And now I ain’t playin around
It's a game called hate and I do know how, to end this shit right now
And I think you want to know the secret, wow
I was right, well stand back and watch my tricks, it’s so profound
so shush, the secret to end this motherfuckin game of life now
Is for you lay down and stop this shit now!
I'm not afraid (I'm not afraid)
To face you K (to face you K)
Everybody (everybody)
Thinks you’re gay (thinks you’re gay)
For getting arrested swiftly, so retarded
We’ll end this quickly, end what we started
Just letting you know that, you’re worse than Target
Holla if you feel like K is just a stupid fart and
And I just can't keep goin this way
So starting next day, I'm endin all of this rage
I'm standing up, I'ma quit these songs
I'm manning up, I'ma win it fair
And square so now, I think I’ll leave
Time to win the title here so clean! (clean)
K, I’ll admit it, these isn’t the best diss, I’m just pissed
So if you get the jist, I’m just tired of losin, so fist to fist
to you, so I can come out a brand new man and tries to take from you
And you don’t even realize how focused I am on you
I been through the stages, of all the rage and hate and
I think I might just kill you, to take the title, straight up
so world, face it, I’m gonna be a winnin Sat., wait up
is it just me, or do you feel the danger?
I’m wantin to win, no more suckas for sin
it’s beginning to begin, the knockout of kin
It’s time to end just end it, sayonara, fin
take it, it’s time for me to claim my shit
Cause the way I feel, I'm strong enough to go to a shower
full of women who cower, but I’ll just be the overpower
Cause I’m famous
I’d shoot for the pie, but I'm too high on life to rewind
My win that came that night
After the above verse, on the street, he gets into a fight, all while singing. It results in him being thrown through a glass window, breaking his trapped self free. The guy grabs the trapped version of HHH out. It then returns to HHH on the car, and ends there, with him doing dance moves, and falling off the car.
I'm not afraid (I'm not afraid)
To face you K (to face you K)
Everybody (everybody)
Thinks you’re gay (thinks you’re gay)
For getting arrested swiftly, so retarded
We’ll end this quickly, end what we started
Just letting you know that, you’re worse than Target
Holla if you feel like K is just a stupid fart and
At the end, the three versions of him are seen in a hospital, each in the same room, in separate rooms. The car HHH has a broken leg, the trapped HHH has a cast everywhere, and the street HHH is stomach down on the bed, glass in his back.
“Enough is enough, and it's time for a change.” – Owen Hart
