Post by Josh Spicer on Jun 26, 2009 17:36:13 GMT -5
actual site)
Announcer: From the creators of Superstar Movie, Superstar Movie 2, Gonna Lose, and AIDS of an Impact Story, come the next greatest parody on the face of this place.
You See Hoe?
Our story begins in a far off place, nearly 1000 millimeters away. A guy lies in a bed before throwing the covers and causing the camera man to fall over.
Cut, restart…
Our story begins in a far off place, nearly 1000 millimeters away. A guy lies in a bed, before rolling over and revealing it to be Hawaiian Hardhead. An alarm clock near his head goes off, causing Hawaiian Hardhead to feel for it. He feels forever before taking the clock and throwing it at the door. HHH yawns and gets up to reveal himself in some tight blue loose jeans, with a belt hanging off his waist. He walks towards the bathroom in his room and takes a leak. After that is finished, he arrives at the mirror where he brushes his teeth. When he looks up after spitting out the water and what not, he notices his hair. It’s all multi-colored and out of control. With a skeptical look, he uses a comb and combs it all back, but it all flings back to how it was. He then looks at his body/clothes and looks at his waist before using a towel and wiping his mouth off. He then heads on out of the bathroom and off screen...
for a few seconds as he rushes back and looks at his new self.
HHH: Ah hell, what the f**k has Ian got us into now?
He looks at his body/clothes again before shaking his head and rushing out. He arrives at a nightstand with a blue jacket and black shirt hanging over it and some shoe and socks right below it.
HHH: First, I need to figure out where the hell I am.
He shrugs and puts on the shoes and socks, but stops when he digs into one of the socks and finds a card labeled “Yu Gi Oh”. With a shrug, he throws the card back and puts the shoes on. HHH then starts putting on the shirt and the jacket when he notices something in the jacket. He takes it out and it’s a piece of paper that reads “Duke Devlin’s Dice Shop, Open Now!” With another shrug, he rips the piece of paper up and throws it all to hell. Another sigh occurs, and he heads on down the hall and down a long railing until falling off onto a red wagon full of cards specifically used for a children’s card game. An old man then walks off out of the blue and looks at HHH a bit skeptical.
Old Man: Oh, Yugi, you’re awake. The new shipment of Yu Gi Oh cards have come in. Yes, the Yu Gi Oh cards used specifically for fun and Yu Gi Oh duels have come in. I can not stress the fun that will come out of playing them for absolutely no purpose except to pass time. Go Yu Gi Oh!
HHH looks at himself a bit before getting up and brushing himself off.
HHH: I may be going out on a limb here, but this is Yu Gi Oh.
Old Man: No, this is my shop, that is a little red wagon, and that’s a squirrel, and that’s that kees that won’t leave me alone.
Hardhead looks over past the old man to a kees stuffed doll hanging from a twisting ceiling fan. With a sigh, HHH brushes past the old man and arrives at the door where, he looks to his left and sees a brown bag.
Old Man: Oh, Yugi, don’t forget your lunch again; it’s right by the door!
Hardhead squints his eyes and looks at the lunch. That then starts up that Kill Bill sequence between HHH and the lunch bag, before HHH decides to take it and walk out…
where he is immediately met by a random girl who is totally into him. With another sigh, HHH looks at her as he tries to go around her, but she keeps on blocking him off by moving with him.
HHH: What are you doing?
Girl: Trying to stare into your soul, my therapist said it would help me understand people more.
HHH: Don’t take this the wrong way, and please don’t choke me out, but what’s your name?
Girl: What, you don’t remember my name after all these years we’ve been together?!
The girl then starts to choke HHH out, causing him to drop his lunch.
HHH: Didn’t I just meet you last week at a cheap Japanese fast food restaurant?
The girl stops and with a sigh, she answers.
Girl: My name’s Tea you dumb-ass.
HHH: And I’m Rick James b***h, now can we get to school, or something?
With another sigh, Tea walks on with HHH down a long street. They walk on and on for what seems like hours until they stop at a strange practitioner’s stand.
Tea: Ooh, shiny ball!
Practitioner: Yes, obsess over my ball!
HHH: Tea, stop obsessing over a stranger’s balls, we’re almost late!
Practitioner: No, don’t go, my balls need obsessing!
Tea: These eyes belong to only one person’s balls.
She then starts to walk away with her nose up high after HHH, who’s already miles ahead of her.
Practitioner: Wait, I think we were on two different topics there.
Steve Bushemi suddenly walks up and looks at the Practitioner.
Practitioner: Oh my god, Steve Bushemi?
Steve Bushemi: Yes, you, person…
Practitioner: What are you doing here?
Steve Bushemi: Well person, I’MA FIRIN MAH LAZAR!
A few minutes pass, but nothing comes out.
Announcer: LAZAR FAIL!
Back with Hardhead and Softboobs, they are still walking down the street. It takes what seems like a whole episode just to arrive at the school. When the do get there, HHH looks to the right to see the Old Man’s building.
HHH: Why the hell did we go through the entire downtown Tokyo?
When they do get there, the bell rings.
HHH: *Sigh* I hate you.
Tea: At least I’m not skipping an important match!
HHH: Huh, what?
Tea: Ignore me!
The two arrive in the school and then in the classroom, where the teacher is tapping his pencil. With a sigh, HHH sits by a random window with two random people while Tea and one of them suddenly starts to duel, randomly. The teacher suddenly uses his finger and asks for one of the students with green hair and a yellow schoolgirl suit to follow him, which she does and they enter into a closet, which then locks.
HHH: I guess that explains where she is in the second series.
Tea: Where who is? Are you dating her?
Again, HHH sighs. He then quits talking and asks who the other two random people are.
HHH: Who are you other two people?
Guy 1: Who, me? How do you not know me Yug, we’ve known each other since that time I beat you up?
HHH: How do I find it hard to believe that you beat me up?
Guy 2: Yeah, I mean, we’re like, you’re best friends, just because Chuck Norris beat you up instead of us.
HHH: Okay, now I believe that you beat me up.
Guy 1: It was like we were spared by the gods of guilt, and you were our replacement.
HHH: What are your names?
Tea: Just go with it guys.
Guy 1: My name is Judas-
Guy 2: And my name is Priest……………D-Von!
HHH sighs and looks at them.
HHH: Judas Priest…………………D-Von.
Guy 1: No, that’s just what we like to call ourselves. You should know that by now. My name is Ray.
Guy 2: And my name is D-Von.
Both: And together, we are-
They make a pose on a random desk and attempt to finish what they were going to say.
Both: The Dud-
That is, before the table implodes and sends them both going to the floor.
HHH: I’m still contemplating over how you were my friends, but since you two both seem to be idiots, I guess I can go with it.
Tea: Oh s**t, Tommy’s gonna beat you!
HHH: There you go again with that out of character referencing. Wait what did you say?
Tea: Ignore me!
Hardhead sighs, rolls his eyes, and then notices that Ray and D-Von are back near them.
D-Von (Tristan): So, Yugi, what do you say to a duel?
HHH: Do you even once duel in this entire series? OK, scratch that, have you ever even won a duel?
Ray (Joey): How about me?
HHH: Have you ever won an important duel?
Both of them go quiet until Tea looks over at another guy in the same outfit that HHH is wearing, except he has a blue jumpsuit made from pure Persian cat fur.
Tea (Thoughts): What the hell is he doing here? I thought I only sent Jack in here!
Hardhead follows her eyes to see that it’s Chuck.
HHH (Thoughts): Chuck? Thank god!
The man in the jumpsuit looks over at HHH’s group and notices HHH in particular. Hardhead notices that Chuck notices him, and talks very quiet that only Chuck can here him, from across the room.
HHH: We need to get out of here.
Chuck: No s**t. Okay, create a distraction, I’ll somehow mislead Ian into thinking we’re enemies.
HHH: Since I’m open to any option, let’s do it.
Hardhead looks back at his group of so called friends, and talks to them.
HHH: Hey, the old man that lives in my house has a really rare card, wanna go check it out?
Ray: I don’t know, does it involve the color blue?
HHH: Yeah sure let’s go with that.
Suddenly, the bell rings and the entire group head out of the school and towards the old man’s place, where they enter and walk over to his counter where it is shaking. It suddenly stops, and he sometimes uses his hand to catch himself.
HHH: Hey old man, show my so called friends that rare card that you have.
Old Man: It’s in that Dark Magician Girl statuette.
D-Von walks over towards and looks all around.
Old Man: In the skir-whoa nelly!
He suddenly falls off his chair and to the floor. He then gets up and puts his right hand on the counter.
D-Von feels up the skirt and grabs the card, handing it to Hardhead, who looks over it skeptically and then showing it to his so called friends.
HHH: Let’s read the conveniently placed subtitles. This is his Blue Eyes White Dragon!
Just as HHH says that, the door is busted open and down.
Old Man: I hope you can pay for that door.
Chuck: I think that I’m rich, so I can do that. Anyway, I want that card that the guy I’ve never met is holding.
HHH: Who is this man that I’ve never met?
Tea: Masaharu is going to beat you!
HHH: Is that even her….I think, name? Wait, what?
Tea: Ignore me!
Chuck: Since all you dumb-asses appear to be stuck on arguing, I’ll leave.
Tea: Phew!
Chuck suddenly exits the doorway for a few seconds before coming back and picking the door up and leaving with it.
Ray: Did that Seto Kaiba guy just steal your door?
Old Man: I don’t know but could one of you help me move my hand? It’s stuck.
Tea suddenly rushes out the door with Hardhead going up the stairs.
Ray: D-Von?!
D-Von: What?
Ray opens his mouth before closing it and flying out the door.
D-Von: What? I don’t get what’s the big deal here.
Old Man: I hope you’re gay, cause then you’d like this.
Hardhead is seen in his room, looking around a bit before lying in his bed and looking at the ceiling.
HHH (Thoughts): Well this sucks! I’m stuck in this f**ked up Japan-land while my opponents are working on this match. We got Tommy, that psychotic b***h who just wants to f**k me, trying to act all cool and retain her title, while there’s Masaharu, I think, he/she just wants to win back his/her gold. What kind of dumb-ass thinks like that? Me? I’m just trying to finally win the big one, the way that I earned it. Hell, I don’t care if this is a 60 way blood orgy, nobody, and I do repeat, nobody, will stop me from becoming the world champion, not Tom-Tom, and not the bi-gender guy/gal. Wow this is ironic; I’m in Japan while I’m going to beat to Japanese people. Maybe there is another reason for doing this.
A loud crash is suddenly heard downstairs and the old man is heard being taken away.
Old Man: Yugi, please help me!
HHH doesn’t move, just lying there, still thinking.
Old Man: Please, Yugi, this Kaiba guy is taking me away!
Hardhead simply yawns a bit before rolling towards the wall.
Old Man: Oh will you get off your lazy ass and come and help me!
With another sigh, Hardhead gives in.
HHH: F**k it!
He gets up and down the stairs to see D-Von and his hand stuck to the counter with Ray trying to get if off.
HHH: Hey have you guys seen that old man?
Ray: Yeah, that Kaiba guy just took him.
HHH: And you didn’t stop him?
D-Von: We figured my hand was more important.
With another sigh, HHH takes D-Von’s hand and yanks it off, in the process nearly taking all of the skin off.
D-Von: That would have hurt, had it not of been for my excellent preaching skills.
HHH: Oh please, that gimmick was a failed experiment.
D-Von: That’s not what our daddy says.
Ray: Yeah!
HHH: Pssh, you didn’t even have a gimmick!
The two simply look at each other before looking down.
HHH: I suppose we should go rescue him. Ray, call Tea!
Ray picks up a random phone and calls Tea.
On the other end, she picks up, and she’s wearing a towel around her body and another one in her hair.
Tea: Yes?
Ray: The old man’s in trouble, Yugi’s going after him, he might even be in danger.
Tea: Sssssooooooo?
Ray: Yes, his balls are at risk.
In a split second, Tea appears right behind Ray with her schoolgirl outfit on.
Ray: Tea? Tea? Speak to me!
Tea: Let’s go save those balls!
Down at the random coliseum that HHH has arrived at, Chuck is already there, with the old man down on the ground.
Old Man: Yugi, please, take me deck, duel this sorry son of a b***h!
HHH: Here’s a question, why?
Old Man: Because he tore up my prized card.
HHH: Do you really think I care about you? Really? I don’t even know you! You’re just some old turd who thinks a fake kees is trying to kill him.
Old Man: But he is-
HHH: No, you can die!
Hardhead’s so called friends suddenly arrive and look over the situation.
D-Von: Wait, Kaiba kicked the old man’s ass in a duel, then shoved him to the ground-
Ray: Yugi arrived to save the day, kneeling down next to him, then promised to get revenge on Kaiba-
Tea: Then finally, he is going to duel Kaiba in what is described as the most epic duel in the series.
HHH: Oh you all suck!
In the dueling area, they both look over there cards in there hands before Chuck starts.
Chuck: I’m going to now summon a bunch of monsters in one turn!
HHH: Wow this pilot really f**ked up bad. Well two can play at that game. I’ll summon all the five monsters in my hand.
Chuck: Wait, is that Exodia?
HHH: Is that what that says? I couldn’t read what’s on this card.
Chuck: It looks like some f**ked up hiragana, I just assumed it was Exodia.
HHH: If that’s the case, then Exodia, destroy all monsters in one turn.
Chuck: Isn’t that against the rules?
HHH: F**k the rules I have a match to get to!
All of Chuck’s monsters that appeared on the field are now destroyed thanks to a big blast by Exodia.
As Chuck is defeated, a strange soul like thing comes out of his body. It’s a giant muscled man that looks like he’s taken one too many steroids, like Barry Bonds, or Jason Giambi. He has tattoos filled over his body. This man then takes the back of Chuck’s head and launches Chuck off the platform they were on, down onto a floor.
HHH: It’s a giant, strong, naked fat guy. So basically what Tommy desires.
Tea: You’re gonna lose!
HHH: What?
Tea: Ignore me!
HHH: How the hell do I stop this thing?
Tea: Maybe I can stop him with my naïve optimism!
HHH: Can we please stop with the Abridged Series references?
There’s a bit of a pause before Tea continues.
Tea: Well excuse me princess!
HHH: Oh how the hell is that better?
Naked Fat Guy: Pmahc Lasrevinu Ewp Rof Daehdrah Naiiawah
HHH: Hey D-Von, you speak Hebrew, what’d he just say?
D-Von: Hey you said it yourself, that was just a failed gimmick.
With a sigh, Hardhead gets his deck ready and draws five cards.
Naked Fat Guy: My name is Anewbie, I mean Anubis, I mean, I am the evil soul that lied within your friend.
HHH: Chuck was evil?
Naked Fat Guy: No s**t, an idiot could figure that out. My name is Tan-a-bash-e.
HHH: Well then Tan-a-bash-e, tell me something, why the f**k did you come out now?
Tan-a-bash-e: Because shut up. Now let’s duel!
Tan-a-bash-e plays a random Lion thing in attack mode.
Tan-a-bash-e: I summon Leo the Flaming Shiskabob in attack mode. Then I play the trap card Pyramid of Light.
With a sigh, HHH plays a random warrior in attack mode.
Warrior: Hi, I’m Celtic Guardian!
He offers his hand out to the lion, who simply roars loudly.
HHH: That’s nice, I play a card face down, I guess.
Tea: Tanabashi gonna kick your ass!
HHH: Seriously, what the f**k?!
Tea: Ignore me!
The Lion suddenly attacks the Celtic Guardian, destroying it easily.
HHH’s Life Points: 2600
Tan-a-bash-e: Next, I’ll summon my Winged Mistress of Japanese Geisha’s.
HHH: Well I activate my face down trap, Ultimate Destruction.
D-Von: What kind of card is that?
Ray: Great, another anime exclusive card.
Tea: What is that, like, five now?
HHH: By giving up 2000 of my life points and my entire hand, I can destroy everything on your side of the field, and you thus lose 1000 life points for every card I destroy.
Tan-a-bash-e: So I guess activating my Hinotama didn’t work.
HHH’s Life Points: 100
Tan-a-bash-e’s Life Points: 0
HHH: For being an evil spirit who randomly came out of nowhere, you suck hard.
Tan-a-bash-e: That’s what she said.
Ray: Pwned!
Tan-a-bash-e suddenly disappears in the air, never to be seen from again.
HHH: Wow, only two pages of basically what the movie plot was.
D-Von: Now what?
Chuck suddenly wakes up from where he was when a kid suddenly runs to tend to him.
Kid: Big brother, are you alright?
Chuck: Great, another illegitimate child.
Kid: What? It’s me Seto, Mokuba, you’re baby brother.
Chuck: Right, I knew that.
Hardhead walks to Chuck and helps him up.
Chuck: Who was that naked fat guy?
HHH: What if I told you it was your evil spirit finally being released for an unknown reason?
Chuck: Then I would tell you to lay off drinking scotch at midnight.
HHH: Then it was your gay lover from Las Vegas.
Chuck: Didn’t I put a restraining order on him?
HHH: Apparently he’s never heard of the tagline, “what’s happens in Vegas will never be spoke of again.”
Hardhead’s group of so called friends run up and talk some more about something completely irrelevant to the topic.
Tea: Well you won the duel…with five seconds left to your match.
HHH: Seriously, what the hell? Wait, what did you say?!
Tea: Ignore me!
HHH: No, seriously, what the hell did you say, before the ignore me?
Ray and D-Von suddenly come up behind HHH and Chuck, using a chop right to the skull. Chuck falls to the ground, but D-Von holds his hand in pain.
D-Von: Jesus, I didn’t think that name of yours was true.
Ray: D-Von?
D-Von: What?
Ray: Get the ta-
Tea: No!
She suddenly takes a random club and knocks HHH out in one shot.
Tea: I think my plan actually worked for once, distracting Jack with this Yu-Gi-Oh like parody. Beam us up scientist!
A strange light suddenly engulfs everybody involved, except for Mokuba who just stays there. After the other five are gone, Mokuba runs through the door he came from, down the hall, and into a door where we see five shadows sitting around one huge table.
Mokuba: They have left sirs!
Shadow 1: Good, now we can finally try to take over Ian’s company, now that he is distracted with Jack Hunter and that Chuck guy. Gentlemen, what do you say?
Shadow 2: I have a penguin fetish.
Shadow 3: I’m too snooty to pay that question any mind.
Shadow 4: I-am-a robot!
Shadow 5: Sir, what about the kid?
Mokuba: Yeah, where’s my gift!
The first shadow looks at the second one, who gets up and takes the kid out of the room and across the hall to a closet, where the door is locked.
Mokuba: Hey, what are you doing? Why do you have penguin briefs and why are you taking them off?
The door that they left now closes, leaving shadow 1, 3, and 4 to laugh evilly while shadow 5 just sits quietly, as if he’s contemplating (hint|hint)
Now, back into the real world, the five of them beam up into a laboratory like place where scientists are scrambling around, trying to figure out something. One of them runs up to the group and offers Ray and D-Von, in reality actually the Dudley Boyz, an entrée of food.
Ian (Tea): You two take your food and go to your match. Your titles are in the coat closet with your coats.
Ray: Sweet thanks!
D-Von: Oh my brother, testify!
The two take the entrée of food and head on out. Ian looks down at HHH and Chuck, kicking Hardhead a bit.
Ian: Put these two with the other one, I’ll be making the call soon.
Scientist: Yes sir!
The dude drags both of them easily; it seems, up some stairs and out the room. Ian sits down in a chair and looks at a giant screen where Obama is on, wearing boxers and a white tang top.
Obama: It’s three in the morning, not a good time for a threat call.
Ian: Spare me Barack. By the time it gets morning, I will have already taken over the White House, then, the world.
Obama: What do you want?
Ian: I want the entire world; nothing you give me could stop me.
Obama: Here’s another one: why do you want to?
Ian: Because, well, I want to be powerful.
Obama: Are you compensating for something?
Ian: Come six am, your White House will be mine, besides, I’m getting old, of course I am.
Obama: What was that?
Ian: Ignore me!
The screen suddenly goes black, leaving Ian with an evil smirk.
In some dungeon like place, guarded by two strong guys, one black, one white, the scientist drags HHH and Chuck into some jail, dropping them and then leaving. The white one slams the door shut, coincidentally, just as HHH and Chuck wake up.
HHH: Where are we?
Voice: You’re in Ian’s sick dungeon.
HHH: Wait, Jeremy Borash?
Another Voice: Me too!
HHH: Shane McMahon?
Another Voice All Together: Sup brother!
HHH: Frank?!
Black Bodyguard: Keep your asses down in there boy, I’m trying to listen to the conversation in the next cell!
The group in their cell turns quiet for a bit before Hardhead speaks.
HHH: Why are you three here?
JB: He didn’t let us go the first time.
Shane McMahon: We haven’t been able to escape.
Frank: I woke up before he let me in the parody; I would’ve played Duke.
Chuck: Is there anybody else? Why is he only after us?
The group suddenly stops talking when a loud explosion is heard from the door they entered. The scientist that brought them down is sent flying down the stairs, dead, as a guy walks in with a shotgun. The guy arrives down the stairs and kills both the guards. The guy is…
Everybody Still Alive in the Room: Who the hell are you?
Guy: Me? I’m just the guy sent here to invoke the emergence of Deathshot.
Hardhead suddenly twitches a bit at the last dialogue.
HHH: I’m sorry, I didn’t hear you there, what did you say?
Guy: Deathshot!
HHH: One more time please? I must have a trouble hearing you.
Guy: Deathshot!
The guy suddenly throws a smoke bomb. When it clears, the guy’s gone. In the cell, HHH suddenly gives an evil-like smirk. He then kicks the cell door down with ease.
Deathshot: Well are you gonna sit there like p***ies or are you gonna move?
The group suddenly gets up and runs up the stairs, arriving at a long hallway that leads into the lab room and then the exit.
Deathshot: Chuck, Frank, come with me, you other two b***h’s, get the f**k out of here, got it?
Everybody nods and the trio assigned with saving the day runs into the lab, where they are met with a s**tload of TV people, consisting of the purple Telutubby with a shotgun, Zuko, the Joker from the Batman: The Animated Series, Hans Gruber, the Naked Greased Up Deaf Guy, Marcellus Wallace, Jafar, James Woods, Deadpool, Deadman, a s**t filled bedpan, Zorro, Alucard, Oroshimaru, Piccolo, Freeza, Vegeta, the teacher from that movie where him and that female student get together and do it and the teacher gets caught and arrested and then everybody hates the female student and calls her a slut, Cujo, Chucky (not the baby), Jason Voorhees, Freddie Krueger, Predator, Alien, Leatherface, the iceberg from Titanic, and a very pointy rock.
Above them, Ian is seen on a balcony like platform with an evil grin on his face.
Ian: I’ll bet you your freedom that you can’t beat every single one of these guys in time for your match.
Deathshot: Seeing as how I’m the f**king Jack Deathshot, I can beat any sorry son of a b***h you can give me.
Ian: Good luck with that!
Ian suddenly walks out and through a door, putting some cool shades on.
Frank: Maybe we should just let Ian deal with Tommy; she seems to hate old guys.
Chuck: If that’s the case, let’s just show her Jonathyn.
Chucky: Vegeta, what’s the scouter say about there danger level?
Vegeta then takes it off and then crushes it in his white glove.
Vegeta: It’s over 9-hundred!
Chucky: What 9-hundred!?
Frank suddenly runs at Chucky and kicks him away, football punting style, so he lands on the balcony, then falls to the ground, breaking his neck. Marcellus Wallace suddenly runs up, but is stopped by a kick to the skull by Chuck. The kick sends him back right in the middle of Jason Voorhees, Deathshot, and a machete. The machete slices Wallace’s skull in two. What’s left of him falls to the ground. Jason goes for another slice, but Deathshot grabs it and starts cutting Jason up badly.
On the other half of the room, the purple Telutubby is firing his shotgun at Chuck, and missing. Of the missed shots, it shoots and kills Leatherface, Cujo, and the iceberg, causing it to break, with one of the shards jamming into the back of Deadpool’s head. Frank arrives next to the Telutubby while Freddie stands in front of him. He moves at the last minute, causing Freddie’s clawed hand to cut the purple Telutubby’s firing arm off. Frank then takes the claw and slices the Telutubby’s head clean off the head while Chuck runs away, kicking the claw into Freddie’s brain, causing him to fall dead.
Over with Deathshot, he dodged a staff shot by Jafar before cutting his arm off and then stabbing the snake staff into his chest, then pushing him to the ground. From behind him, the Greased Up Deaf Guy runs at him, but Deathshot moves and the Deaf Guy slips on his own grease, landing belly first onto the staff. Orochimaru does some strange jutsu, trying to affect Deathshot, but it’s just a distraction, as Predator comes up with a claw from behind. Jack, out of nowhere, does a back flip over Predator, matrix style, leading to the claw landing in Oroshimaru. Jack then slices Predator into many, many pieces.
Over with the other two, Frank is trying to dodge sword shots by Zorro, and of the sword shots that missed, they pierce Zuko’s left hand, jab into Hans Gruber’s stomach, and even sliced Joker at his throat, causing white to mix with red, like a geisha. Chuck suddenly grabs the sword from Zorro and slices a C in his stomach, causing organs to fall out.
Zorro: Oh the irony…
…are his last words.
Chuck tries to jab at Piccolo, who just jumps onto the sword like the Cantonese prick from Kill Bill. Jack suddenly slices Piccolo’s feet off, causing him to land crotch first on the sword. He then slides off it and to the floor in pain. Alien suddenly tries to eat Frank up, but Chuck avoiding some of Zuko’s flame causes Alien to be set on fire. Jack then throws the machete at Alien’s face, causing it to fall back, dead.
The very pointy rock and the s**t filled bedpan are then thrown by Alucard at Chuck, who simply gets hit with the bed pan, but avoids the rock, which gets caught in between eyes of the teacher, who goes back, dead. Jack takes Jafar’s staff and uses it to swing at Freeza’s head, who simply dodges it, allowing the blunt object to hit James Woods and taking him down, heavily bleeding.
Deadman suddenly takes over the dead Joker and uses a dart gun with a deadly dart needle to fire at Frank, who simply goes back, again, matrix style, but mid-way, he simply falls to the ground, causing the dart to hit the laser that caused the TV characters to appear. Those still alive, Zuko, Deadman in the Joker, Alucard, Vegeta, Freeza, Hans Gruber (injured), and James Woods (injured), suddenly disappear in a white, bright light which engulfs everybody and everything in the room. When it disappears, only a blood strained Deathshot, Chuck, and Frank are seen, as well as all the dead bodies of the people who died on this valiant day.
Frank: Well that was invigorating!
Chuck: I agree, a good time saver.
Deathshot: Time to go kick Ian’s ass!
He takes the machete out of the now charred Alien’s head, while Chuck takes the Telutubby’s shotgun, and Frank takes the dart gun that Joker/Deadman had.
After deciding what weapon they want, and taking off there shirts to look like manly men, they then walk into the door that Ian took in order to find….
….a giant orc type monster, which takes its giant claw and grabs the head of Frank.
Deathshot: Not another brother!
Jack shrugs and throws the machete at the orc’s face, landing in between its eyes. When hit, the orc thing just stands there, as if not affected at all.
Orc: What, what was that?
Nobody says anything, nor does anything, they just stand there.
Orc: *Sigh* F**k it, just, f**k it, this is not what I signed up for.
He then sets Frank down and then proceeds to grab a Fedora hat, putting it on, and then a briefcase, exiting from the hallway and then through the door they came through. He suddenly comes back, taking the machete out of its skull and handing it to Deathshot.
Orc: You might need this.
The Orc then exits from the hallway. The trio looks each other with a look of confusion and awkwardness. With a shrug from all three of them, they rush on towards the end of the hallway. When they reach it, they kick open the door and Ian is seen in a chair, talking to the five shadows from earlier.
Shadow 1: We want your company Ian, and we’re willing to kill anybody to get it.
Shadow 5: Wait, isn’t that those two guys that Ian was trying to stop from interfering in his plans?
Ian turns around with a look of shock, surprise, and a little bit of annoyance.
Ian: Oh come on! If the TV characters weren’t enough, how did you get past the giant orc?
Frank: Not even we know dude!
Shadow 1: What orc? You sent an orc to stop them?
Ian: Oh shut up! Just, just give me a minute here!
Mokuba: Save me brother!
The second shadow suddenly smacks Mokuba’s head, who’s currently on a leash and sitting next to the second shadow.
Shadow 2: Penguins don’t speak English!
Ian turns around in his chair to face the trio.
Ian: *Sigh* I promised you freedom, so why didn’t you leave?
Deathshot: Because we want to stop your f**king annoyance from interfering with my career. I mean seriously, every other f**king RP you have to get your bat s**t nose involved with what ever f**king thing I’m doing with my f**king life. Do I have to get a f**king restraining order on your ass or something?
Shadow 5: Ah s**t he’s owning your white ass!
Shadow 1: Quiet Johnson…
With another sigh, Ian turns back around to the five shadows. He takes out a card and then puts it in a slot below the screen the five shadows are on. The card appears in the screen as the first shadow takes it and looks over it.
Shadow 1: It was pleasure doing business with you Ian; nice to know you didn’t resist getting taking over.
Shadow 3: And after I was ready to go into court.
Ian scoots his chair out and then gets up out of it. He clicks the screen off and then walks over towards the group, taking something out of his pocket and handing it to Deathshot…
…it’s a CD.
Ian: Take it; it has everything you need to know about everything. Your wife’s murder, the murderers, your brother’s murder, everything you’ve been through in the past few years, it’s all on there.
Deathshot’s look of anger suddenly turns to sadness.
HHH: Wait, it was you?
Ian: I’ve been following you for a long time Jack, and now, now I’m going to take me leave.
He walks past the trio, heading out towards where they just came from.
As soon as Ian leaves, Chuck and Frank start to leave.
Frank: Hey bro, you comin?
HHH: Yeah, give me a minute.
He’s just staring at the CD as the other two leave. Suddenly, and pretty much randomly, the screen comes on, revealing the five shadows with Mokuba still tied up. His eyes are wide, and HHH suddenly puts his finger to his mouth, and he calms back down.
Shadow 1: It worked! We now have control over Ian’s company, every little bit of it.
Shadow 3: And all we had to do was make it seem like it was that easy.
Shadow 2: If there’s one thing I love more than penguins, it’s cheating out another evil ass hole.
Shadow 1: Yes….and it’s pretty f**ked up honestly how we lured that Jack Hunter, a random wrestler just starting out, into trying to find out who killed his wife, his brother, and basically stalked him all these years.
Shadow 3: Classic reaction…
Shadow 1: Yes…
He evil chuckles a bit before noticing the screen’s on.
Shadow 1: Oh s**t!
Shadow 2: Turn it off!
Shadow 4: I-am-a robot!
Shadow 3: Yes we got it the first thousand times you said it!
Shadow 5: Turn that s**t off!
The screen suddenly goes black again and Hardhead looks at the CD with a look of anger. He then sighs once more and heads out of the building.
THE NEXT DAY
Hawaiian Hardhead, back at his home, and fixed up in normal dad clothes, is sitting in his living room with the CD in his hand. His daughter, Stephanie walks up, now 16.
Stephanie: I’m taking the car out to meet Alicia at the arena!
HHH: Call me when you’re done!
Steph heads out the door, outside.
Stephanie: Mail’s here!
Is last what she shouts as she exits. Drake, his son, now 18, comes down some stairs wearing a nice leather jacket.
Drake: I’m taking the chopper out to see the Boss play.
HHH: Tell me how it goes!
Drake heads out the door, but says one more thing.
Drake: Mail’s here!
The last thing we here before a silence is a motorcycle riding off.
After everybody left and the silence starts, HHH looks at the CD, front and back, before ripping it in two and throwing it in a nearby trashcan. He then gets up, opens the door, and then grabs the mail before heading back inside. He goes into the dining room and sits in a random seat. Looking at the mail, he skips through some junk mail before stopping at a curious white envelope marked “For Jack”. Hardhead opens up the envelope and finds some money and a note, and on this note it reads.
“Dear Jack,
I know what you’ve been through, and I apologize for it. I have given you some money, all of what I have left. By the time you are reading this, I have died. The reason being is that I have commit suicide. I have learned that my life isn’t worth living. So, don’t mourn me, just take the 50 dollars and walk away, rip this up for all I care. I just want you to know that I’m sorry for everything I’ve done to you in these past few years.
Goodbye Jack
Ian”
HHH looks at the envelope, then the money, then the note. He tosses it aside for now before skipping a magazine and looking another envelope, this one marked “HHH”. Curious, Hardhead opens it and finds another note.
“Dear HHH,
I am well aware of talent you possess outside wrestling ring, as well as what you go through on regular basis and for that, I am offering you proposition. Come work for me. I can guarantee you will receive substantial cash benefits, and your family will be safe, and also that you will still work for XWF, and will be able to arrive to your matches on time. What type of job I offer to you? Well my future comrade, the only thing suitable enough to fit man like you: crime fighting. In envelope you will find number to call if you wish to accept offer. I will personally accept such call if you do decide to accept. I will tell you once that it might be in best interest for you to accept, Mr. Hardhead.
Sincerely,
Vladimir
P.S. Call 1-800 first, before number given. My secretary forgot to do so herself before sending envelope.”
Hardhead looks over everything in front of him before sighing and heading towards a phone and dialing 1-800, then taking the number and dialing that.
HHH: Hey, is this Vladimir?
Person on Other Side: No, please, call me Johnson.
The voice sounded exactly like the fifth shadow.
Then…
…the credits hit.
“My Legacy Will Never Die”
I made the fa-ans cheer
The words you don’t wanna hear
You look at me and it reminds you
I am the next stint
To make you feel like the second
You can't deny what is inside you
Well I know it's hard to see
What is meant to be
To find out, orgy between you two
Deep inside your soul knows you’re both gonna lose
You may have held a World Title, but this is the final time
My legacy will never die
You both will now fall
And when you both crawl past the line
My legacy will never die
This prize I have earned
And as you both have learned
I’m Deathshot b***h and I will not fail
I would say you both can’t please
It’s not cause you’re Japanese
It’s cause you both went off the trail
Deep inside your soul knows you’re both gonna lose
All three all of us aren’t friends, and at the end of the night
My legacy will never die
The title held u-up high
As if I-I’m touching the sky
My legacy will never die
Whenever I stayed f**ked
Whenever I gave up
That’s all for nothing at all
The ring that I will hold
The title that’s still gold
After 10 years, I will hold it up for you all
The time has come for you to sleep, and look deep in my mind
My legacy will never die
Nobody can stop me
Nobody will drop me outside
My legacy will never die
I’ll raise up my glass, after I kicked your ass that’s right
My legacy will never die
The time it took me to rise
All the good men had died
My legacy will never die
The credits then fade out with the final words being…
“Finally…” – The Rock
You See Hoe?
Our story begins in a far off place, nearly 1000 millimeters away. A guy lies in a bed before throwing the covers and causing the camera man to fall over.
Cut, restart…
Our story begins in a far off place, nearly 1000 millimeters away. A guy lies in a bed, before rolling over and revealing it to be Hawaiian Hardhead. An alarm clock near his head goes off, causing Hawaiian Hardhead to feel for it. He feels forever before taking the clock and throwing it at the door. HHH yawns and gets up to reveal himself in some tight blue loose jeans, with a belt hanging off his waist. He walks towards the bathroom in his room and takes a leak. After that is finished, he arrives at the mirror where he brushes his teeth. When he looks up after spitting out the water and what not, he notices his hair. It’s all multi-colored and out of control. With a skeptical look, he uses a comb and combs it all back, but it all flings back to how it was. He then looks at his body/clothes and looks at his waist before using a towel and wiping his mouth off. He then heads on out of the bathroom and off screen...
for a few seconds as he rushes back and looks at his new self.
HHH: Ah hell, what the f**k has Ian got us into now?
He looks at his body/clothes again before shaking his head and rushing out. He arrives at a nightstand with a blue jacket and black shirt hanging over it and some shoe and socks right below it.
HHH: First, I need to figure out where the hell I am.
He shrugs and puts on the shoes and socks, but stops when he digs into one of the socks and finds a card labeled “Yu Gi Oh”. With a shrug, he throws the card back and puts the shoes on. HHH then starts putting on the shirt and the jacket when he notices something in the jacket. He takes it out and it’s a piece of paper that reads “Duke Devlin’s Dice Shop, Open Now!” With another shrug, he rips the piece of paper up and throws it all to hell. Another sigh occurs, and he heads on down the hall and down a long railing until falling off onto a red wagon full of cards specifically used for a children’s card game. An old man then walks off out of the blue and looks at HHH a bit skeptical.
Old Man: Oh, Yugi, you’re awake. The new shipment of Yu Gi Oh cards have come in. Yes, the Yu Gi Oh cards used specifically for fun and Yu Gi Oh duels have come in. I can not stress the fun that will come out of playing them for absolutely no purpose except to pass time. Go Yu Gi Oh!
HHH looks at himself a bit before getting up and brushing himself off.
HHH: I may be going out on a limb here, but this is Yu Gi Oh.
Old Man: No, this is my shop, that is a little red wagon, and that’s a squirrel, and that’s that kees that won’t leave me alone.
Hardhead looks over past the old man to a kees stuffed doll hanging from a twisting ceiling fan. With a sigh, HHH brushes past the old man and arrives at the door where, he looks to his left and sees a brown bag.
Old Man: Oh, Yugi, don’t forget your lunch again; it’s right by the door!
Hardhead squints his eyes and looks at the lunch. That then starts up that Kill Bill sequence between HHH and the lunch bag, before HHH decides to take it and walk out…
where he is immediately met by a random girl who is totally into him. With another sigh, HHH looks at her as he tries to go around her, but she keeps on blocking him off by moving with him.
HHH: What are you doing?
Girl: Trying to stare into your soul, my therapist said it would help me understand people more.
HHH: Don’t take this the wrong way, and please don’t choke me out, but what’s your name?
Girl: What, you don’t remember my name after all these years we’ve been together?!
The girl then starts to choke HHH out, causing him to drop his lunch.
HHH: Didn’t I just meet you last week at a cheap Japanese fast food restaurant?
The girl stops and with a sigh, she answers.
Girl: My name’s Tea you dumb-ass.
HHH: And I’m Rick James b***h, now can we get to school, or something?
With another sigh, Tea walks on with HHH down a long street. They walk on and on for what seems like hours until they stop at a strange practitioner’s stand.
Tea: Ooh, shiny ball!
Practitioner: Yes, obsess over my ball!
HHH: Tea, stop obsessing over a stranger’s balls, we’re almost late!
Practitioner: No, don’t go, my balls need obsessing!
Tea: These eyes belong to only one person’s balls.
She then starts to walk away with her nose up high after HHH, who’s already miles ahead of her.
Practitioner: Wait, I think we were on two different topics there.
Steve Bushemi suddenly walks up and looks at the Practitioner.
Practitioner: Oh my god, Steve Bushemi?
Steve Bushemi: Yes, you, person…
Practitioner: What are you doing here?
Steve Bushemi: Well person, I’MA FIRIN MAH LAZAR!
A few minutes pass, but nothing comes out.
Announcer: LAZAR FAIL!
Back with Hardhead and Softboobs, they are still walking down the street. It takes what seems like a whole episode just to arrive at the school. When the do get there, HHH looks to the right to see the Old Man’s building.
HHH: Why the hell did we go through the entire downtown Tokyo?
When they do get there, the bell rings.
HHH: *Sigh* I hate you.
Tea: At least I’m not skipping an important match!
HHH: Huh, what?
Tea: Ignore me!
The two arrive in the school and then in the classroom, where the teacher is tapping his pencil. With a sigh, HHH sits by a random window with two random people while Tea and one of them suddenly starts to duel, randomly. The teacher suddenly uses his finger and asks for one of the students with green hair and a yellow schoolgirl suit to follow him, which she does and they enter into a closet, which then locks.
HHH: I guess that explains where she is in the second series.
Tea: Where who is? Are you dating her?
Again, HHH sighs. He then quits talking and asks who the other two random people are.
HHH: Who are you other two people?
Guy 1: Who, me? How do you not know me Yug, we’ve known each other since that time I beat you up?
HHH: How do I find it hard to believe that you beat me up?
Guy 2: Yeah, I mean, we’re like, you’re best friends, just because Chuck Norris beat you up instead of us.
HHH: Okay, now I believe that you beat me up.
Guy 1: It was like we were spared by the gods of guilt, and you were our replacement.
HHH: What are your names?
Tea: Just go with it guys.
Guy 1: My name is Judas-
Guy 2: And my name is Priest……………D-Von!
HHH sighs and looks at them.
HHH: Judas Priest…………………D-Von.
Guy 1: No, that’s just what we like to call ourselves. You should know that by now. My name is Ray.
Guy 2: And my name is D-Von.
Both: And together, we are-
They make a pose on a random desk and attempt to finish what they were going to say.
Both: The Dud-
That is, before the table implodes and sends them both going to the floor.
HHH: I’m still contemplating over how you were my friends, but since you two both seem to be idiots, I guess I can go with it.
Tea: Oh s**t, Tommy’s gonna beat you!
HHH: There you go again with that out of character referencing. Wait what did you say?
Tea: Ignore me!
Hardhead sighs, rolls his eyes, and then notices that Ray and D-Von are back near them.
D-Von (Tristan): So, Yugi, what do you say to a duel?
HHH: Do you even once duel in this entire series? OK, scratch that, have you ever even won a duel?
Ray (Joey): How about me?
HHH: Have you ever won an important duel?
Both of them go quiet until Tea looks over at another guy in the same outfit that HHH is wearing, except he has a blue jumpsuit made from pure Persian cat fur.
Tea (Thoughts): What the hell is he doing here? I thought I only sent Jack in here!
Hardhead follows her eyes to see that it’s Chuck.
HHH (Thoughts): Chuck? Thank god!
The man in the jumpsuit looks over at HHH’s group and notices HHH in particular. Hardhead notices that Chuck notices him, and talks very quiet that only Chuck can here him, from across the room.
HHH: We need to get out of here.
Chuck: No s**t. Okay, create a distraction, I’ll somehow mislead Ian into thinking we’re enemies.
HHH: Since I’m open to any option, let’s do it.
Hardhead looks back at his group of so called friends, and talks to them.
HHH: Hey, the old man that lives in my house has a really rare card, wanna go check it out?
Ray: I don’t know, does it involve the color blue?
HHH: Yeah sure let’s go with that.
Suddenly, the bell rings and the entire group head out of the school and towards the old man’s place, where they enter and walk over to his counter where it is shaking. It suddenly stops, and he sometimes uses his hand to catch himself.
HHH: Hey old man, show my so called friends that rare card that you have.
Old Man: It’s in that Dark Magician Girl statuette.
D-Von walks over towards and looks all around.
Old Man: In the skir-whoa nelly!
He suddenly falls off his chair and to the floor. He then gets up and puts his right hand on the counter.
D-Von feels up the skirt and grabs the card, handing it to Hardhead, who looks over it skeptically and then showing it to his so called friends.
HHH: Let’s read the conveniently placed subtitles. This is his Blue Eyes White Dragon!
Just as HHH says that, the door is busted open and down.
Old Man: I hope you can pay for that door.
Chuck: I think that I’m rich, so I can do that. Anyway, I want that card that the guy I’ve never met is holding.
HHH: Who is this man that I’ve never met?
Tea: Masaharu is going to beat you!
HHH: Is that even her….I think, name? Wait, what?
Tea: Ignore me!
Chuck: Since all you dumb-asses appear to be stuck on arguing, I’ll leave.
Tea: Phew!
Chuck suddenly exits the doorway for a few seconds before coming back and picking the door up and leaving with it.
Ray: Did that Seto Kaiba guy just steal your door?
Old Man: I don’t know but could one of you help me move my hand? It’s stuck.
Tea suddenly rushes out the door with Hardhead going up the stairs.
Ray: D-Von?!
D-Von: What?
Ray opens his mouth before closing it and flying out the door.
D-Von: What? I don’t get what’s the big deal here.
Old Man: I hope you’re gay, cause then you’d like this.
Hardhead is seen in his room, looking around a bit before lying in his bed and looking at the ceiling.
HHH (Thoughts): Well this sucks! I’m stuck in this f**ked up Japan-land while my opponents are working on this match. We got Tommy, that psychotic b***h who just wants to f**k me, trying to act all cool and retain her title, while there’s Masaharu, I think, he/she just wants to win back his/her gold. What kind of dumb-ass thinks like that? Me? I’m just trying to finally win the big one, the way that I earned it. Hell, I don’t care if this is a 60 way blood orgy, nobody, and I do repeat, nobody, will stop me from becoming the world champion, not Tom-Tom, and not the bi-gender guy/gal. Wow this is ironic; I’m in Japan while I’m going to beat to Japanese people. Maybe there is another reason for doing this.
A loud crash is suddenly heard downstairs and the old man is heard being taken away.
Old Man: Yugi, please help me!
HHH doesn’t move, just lying there, still thinking.
Old Man: Please, Yugi, this Kaiba guy is taking me away!
Hardhead simply yawns a bit before rolling towards the wall.
Old Man: Oh will you get off your lazy ass and come and help me!
With another sigh, Hardhead gives in.
HHH: F**k it!
He gets up and down the stairs to see D-Von and his hand stuck to the counter with Ray trying to get if off.
HHH: Hey have you guys seen that old man?
Ray: Yeah, that Kaiba guy just took him.
HHH: And you didn’t stop him?
D-Von: We figured my hand was more important.
With another sigh, HHH takes D-Von’s hand and yanks it off, in the process nearly taking all of the skin off.
D-Von: That would have hurt, had it not of been for my excellent preaching skills.
HHH: Oh please, that gimmick was a failed experiment.
D-Von: That’s not what our daddy says.
Ray: Yeah!
HHH: Pssh, you didn’t even have a gimmick!
The two simply look at each other before looking down.
HHH: I suppose we should go rescue him. Ray, call Tea!
Ray picks up a random phone and calls Tea.
On the other end, she picks up, and she’s wearing a towel around her body and another one in her hair.
Tea: Yes?
Ray: The old man’s in trouble, Yugi’s going after him, he might even be in danger.
Tea: Sssssooooooo?
Ray: Yes, his balls are at risk.
In a split second, Tea appears right behind Ray with her schoolgirl outfit on.
Ray: Tea? Tea? Speak to me!
Tea: Let’s go save those balls!
Down at the random coliseum that HHH has arrived at, Chuck is already there, with the old man down on the ground.
Old Man: Yugi, please, take me deck, duel this sorry son of a b***h!
HHH: Here’s a question, why?
Old Man: Because he tore up my prized card.
HHH: Do you really think I care about you? Really? I don’t even know you! You’re just some old turd who thinks a fake kees is trying to kill him.
Old Man: But he is-
HHH: No, you can die!
Hardhead’s so called friends suddenly arrive and look over the situation.
D-Von: Wait, Kaiba kicked the old man’s ass in a duel, then shoved him to the ground-
Ray: Yugi arrived to save the day, kneeling down next to him, then promised to get revenge on Kaiba-
Tea: Then finally, he is going to duel Kaiba in what is described as the most epic duel in the series.
HHH: Oh you all suck!
In the dueling area, they both look over there cards in there hands before Chuck starts.
Chuck: I’m going to now summon a bunch of monsters in one turn!
HHH: Wow this pilot really f**ked up bad. Well two can play at that game. I’ll summon all the five monsters in my hand.
Chuck: Wait, is that Exodia?
HHH: Is that what that says? I couldn’t read what’s on this card.
Chuck: It looks like some f**ked up hiragana, I just assumed it was Exodia.
HHH: If that’s the case, then Exodia, destroy all monsters in one turn.
Chuck: Isn’t that against the rules?
HHH: F**k the rules I have a match to get to!
All of Chuck’s monsters that appeared on the field are now destroyed thanks to a big blast by Exodia.
As Chuck is defeated, a strange soul like thing comes out of his body. It’s a giant muscled man that looks like he’s taken one too many steroids, like Barry Bonds, or Jason Giambi. He has tattoos filled over his body. This man then takes the back of Chuck’s head and launches Chuck off the platform they were on, down onto a floor.
HHH: It’s a giant, strong, naked fat guy. So basically what Tommy desires.
Tea: You’re gonna lose!
HHH: What?
Tea: Ignore me!
HHH: How the hell do I stop this thing?
Tea: Maybe I can stop him with my naïve optimism!
HHH: Can we please stop with the Abridged Series references?
There’s a bit of a pause before Tea continues.
Tea: Well excuse me princess!
HHH: Oh how the hell is that better?
Naked Fat Guy: Pmahc Lasrevinu Ewp Rof Daehdrah Naiiawah
HHH: Hey D-Von, you speak Hebrew, what’d he just say?
D-Von: Hey you said it yourself, that was just a failed gimmick.
With a sigh, Hardhead gets his deck ready and draws five cards.
Naked Fat Guy: My name is Anewbie, I mean Anubis, I mean, I am the evil soul that lied within your friend.
HHH: Chuck was evil?
Naked Fat Guy: No s**t, an idiot could figure that out. My name is Tan-a-bash-e.
HHH: Well then Tan-a-bash-e, tell me something, why the f**k did you come out now?
Tan-a-bash-e: Because shut up. Now let’s duel!
Tan-a-bash-e plays a random Lion thing in attack mode.
Tan-a-bash-e: I summon Leo the Flaming Shiskabob in attack mode. Then I play the trap card Pyramid of Light.
With a sigh, HHH plays a random warrior in attack mode.
Warrior: Hi, I’m Celtic Guardian!
He offers his hand out to the lion, who simply roars loudly.
HHH: That’s nice, I play a card face down, I guess.
Tea: Tanabashi gonna kick your ass!
HHH: Seriously, what the f**k?!
Tea: Ignore me!
The Lion suddenly attacks the Celtic Guardian, destroying it easily.
HHH’s Life Points: 2600
Tan-a-bash-e: Next, I’ll summon my Winged Mistress of Japanese Geisha’s.
HHH: Well I activate my face down trap, Ultimate Destruction.
D-Von: What kind of card is that?
Ray: Great, another anime exclusive card.
Tea: What is that, like, five now?
HHH: By giving up 2000 of my life points and my entire hand, I can destroy everything on your side of the field, and you thus lose 1000 life points for every card I destroy.
Tan-a-bash-e: So I guess activating my Hinotama didn’t work.
HHH’s Life Points: 100
Tan-a-bash-e’s Life Points: 0
HHH: For being an evil spirit who randomly came out of nowhere, you suck hard.
Tan-a-bash-e: That’s what she said.
Ray: Pwned!
Tan-a-bash-e suddenly disappears in the air, never to be seen from again.
HHH: Wow, only two pages of basically what the movie plot was.
D-Von: Now what?
Chuck suddenly wakes up from where he was when a kid suddenly runs to tend to him.
Kid: Big brother, are you alright?
Chuck: Great, another illegitimate child.
Kid: What? It’s me Seto, Mokuba, you’re baby brother.
Chuck: Right, I knew that.
Hardhead walks to Chuck and helps him up.
Chuck: Who was that naked fat guy?
HHH: What if I told you it was your evil spirit finally being released for an unknown reason?
Chuck: Then I would tell you to lay off drinking scotch at midnight.
HHH: Then it was your gay lover from Las Vegas.
Chuck: Didn’t I put a restraining order on him?
HHH: Apparently he’s never heard of the tagline, “what’s happens in Vegas will never be spoke of again.”
Hardhead’s group of so called friends run up and talk some more about something completely irrelevant to the topic.
Tea: Well you won the duel…with five seconds left to your match.
HHH: Seriously, what the hell? Wait, what did you say?!
Tea: Ignore me!
HHH: No, seriously, what the hell did you say, before the ignore me?
Ray and D-Von suddenly come up behind HHH and Chuck, using a chop right to the skull. Chuck falls to the ground, but D-Von holds his hand in pain.
D-Von: Jesus, I didn’t think that name of yours was true.
Ray: D-Von?
D-Von: What?
Ray: Get the ta-
Tea: No!
She suddenly takes a random club and knocks HHH out in one shot.
Tea: I think my plan actually worked for once, distracting Jack with this Yu-Gi-Oh like parody. Beam us up scientist!
A strange light suddenly engulfs everybody involved, except for Mokuba who just stays there. After the other five are gone, Mokuba runs through the door he came from, down the hall, and into a door where we see five shadows sitting around one huge table.
Mokuba: They have left sirs!
Shadow 1: Good, now we can finally try to take over Ian’s company, now that he is distracted with Jack Hunter and that Chuck guy. Gentlemen, what do you say?
Shadow 2: I have a penguin fetish.
Shadow 3: I’m too snooty to pay that question any mind.
Shadow 4: I-am-a robot!
Shadow 5: Sir, what about the kid?
Mokuba: Yeah, where’s my gift!
The first shadow looks at the second one, who gets up and takes the kid out of the room and across the hall to a closet, where the door is locked.
Mokuba: Hey, what are you doing? Why do you have penguin briefs and why are you taking them off?
The door that they left now closes, leaving shadow 1, 3, and 4 to laugh evilly while shadow 5 just sits quietly, as if he’s contemplating (hint|hint)
Now, back into the real world, the five of them beam up into a laboratory like place where scientists are scrambling around, trying to figure out something. One of them runs up to the group and offers Ray and D-Von, in reality actually the Dudley Boyz, an entrée of food.
Ian (Tea): You two take your food and go to your match. Your titles are in the coat closet with your coats.
Ray: Sweet thanks!
D-Von: Oh my brother, testify!
The two take the entrée of food and head on out. Ian looks down at HHH and Chuck, kicking Hardhead a bit.
Ian: Put these two with the other one, I’ll be making the call soon.
Scientist: Yes sir!
The dude drags both of them easily; it seems, up some stairs and out the room. Ian sits down in a chair and looks at a giant screen where Obama is on, wearing boxers and a white tang top.
Obama: It’s three in the morning, not a good time for a threat call.
Ian: Spare me Barack. By the time it gets morning, I will have already taken over the White House, then, the world.
Obama: What do you want?
Ian: I want the entire world; nothing you give me could stop me.
Obama: Here’s another one: why do you want to?
Ian: Because, well, I want to be powerful.
Obama: Are you compensating for something?
Ian: Come six am, your White House will be mine, besides, I’m getting old, of course I am.
Obama: What was that?
Ian: Ignore me!
The screen suddenly goes black, leaving Ian with an evil smirk.
In some dungeon like place, guarded by two strong guys, one black, one white, the scientist drags HHH and Chuck into some jail, dropping them and then leaving. The white one slams the door shut, coincidentally, just as HHH and Chuck wake up.
HHH: Where are we?
Voice: You’re in Ian’s sick dungeon.
HHH: Wait, Jeremy Borash?
Another Voice: Me too!
HHH: Shane McMahon?
Another Voice All Together: Sup brother!
HHH: Frank?!
Black Bodyguard: Keep your asses down in there boy, I’m trying to listen to the conversation in the next cell!
The group in their cell turns quiet for a bit before Hardhead speaks.
HHH: Why are you three here?
JB: He didn’t let us go the first time.
Shane McMahon: We haven’t been able to escape.
Frank: I woke up before he let me in the parody; I would’ve played Duke.
Chuck: Is there anybody else? Why is he only after us?
The group suddenly stops talking when a loud explosion is heard from the door they entered. The scientist that brought them down is sent flying down the stairs, dead, as a guy walks in with a shotgun. The guy arrives down the stairs and kills both the guards. The guy is…
Everybody Still Alive in the Room: Who the hell are you?
Guy: Me? I’m just the guy sent here to invoke the emergence of Deathshot.
Hardhead suddenly twitches a bit at the last dialogue.
HHH: I’m sorry, I didn’t hear you there, what did you say?
Guy: Deathshot!
HHH: One more time please? I must have a trouble hearing you.
Guy: Deathshot!
The guy suddenly throws a smoke bomb. When it clears, the guy’s gone. In the cell, HHH suddenly gives an evil-like smirk. He then kicks the cell door down with ease.
Deathshot: Well are you gonna sit there like p***ies or are you gonna move?
The group suddenly gets up and runs up the stairs, arriving at a long hallway that leads into the lab room and then the exit.
Deathshot: Chuck, Frank, come with me, you other two b***h’s, get the f**k out of here, got it?
Everybody nods and the trio assigned with saving the day runs into the lab, where they are met with a s**tload of TV people, consisting of the purple Telutubby with a shotgun, Zuko, the Joker from the Batman: The Animated Series, Hans Gruber, the Naked Greased Up Deaf Guy, Marcellus Wallace, Jafar, James Woods, Deadpool, Deadman, a s**t filled bedpan, Zorro, Alucard, Oroshimaru, Piccolo, Freeza, Vegeta, the teacher from that movie where him and that female student get together and do it and the teacher gets caught and arrested and then everybody hates the female student and calls her a slut, Cujo, Chucky (not the baby), Jason Voorhees, Freddie Krueger, Predator, Alien, Leatherface, the iceberg from Titanic, and a very pointy rock.
Above them, Ian is seen on a balcony like platform with an evil grin on his face.
Ian: I’ll bet you your freedom that you can’t beat every single one of these guys in time for your match.
Deathshot: Seeing as how I’m the f**king Jack Deathshot, I can beat any sorry son of a b***h you can give me.
Ian: Good luck with that!
Ian suddenly walks out and through a door, putting some cool shades on.
Frank: Maybe we should just let Ian deal with Tommy; she seems to hate old guys.
Chuck: If that’s the case, let’s just show her Jonathyn.
Chucky: Vegeta, what’s the scouter say about there danger level?
Vegeta then takes it off and then crushes it in his white glove.
Vegeta: It’s over 9-hundred!
Chucky: What 9-hundred!?
Frank suddenly runs at Chucky and kicks him away, football punting style, so he lands on the balcony, then falls to the ground, breaking his neck. Marcellus Wallace suddenly runs up, but is stopped by a kick to the skull by Chuck. The kick sends him back right in the middle of Jason Voorhees, Deathshot, and a machete. The machete slices Wallace’s skull in two. What’s left of him falls to the ground. Jason goes for another slice, but Deathshot grabs it and starts cutting Jason up badly.
On the other half of the room, the purple Telutubby is firing his shotgun at Chuck, and missing. Of the missed shots, it shoots and kills Leatherface, Cujo, and the iceberg, causing it to break, with one of the shards jamming into the back of Deadpool’s head. Frank arrives next to the Telutubby while Freddie stands in front of him. He moves at the last minute, causing Freddie’s clawed hand to cut the purple Telutubby’s firing arm off. Frank then takes the claw and slices the Telutubby’s head clean off the head while Chuck runs away, kicking the claw into Freddie’s brain, causing him to fall dead.
Over with Deathshot, he dodged a staff shot by Jafar before cutting his arm off and then stabbing the snake staff into his chest, then pushing him to the ground. From behind him, the Greased Up Deaf Guy runs at him, but Deathshot moves and the Deaf Guy slips on his own grease, landing belly first onto the staff. Orochimaru does some strange jutsu, trying to affect Deathshot, but it’s just a distraction, as Predator comes up with a claw from behind. Jack, out of nowhere, does a back flip over Predator, matrix style, leading to the claw landing in Oroshimaru. Jack then slices Predator into many, many pieces.
Over with the other two, Frank is trying to dodge sword shots by Zorro, and of the sword shots that missed, they pierce Zuko’s left hand, jab into Hans Gruber’s stomach, and even sliced Joker at his throat, causing white to mix with red, like a geisha. Chuck suddenly grabs the sword from Zorro and slices a C in his stomach, causing organs to fall out.
Zorro: Oh the irony…
…are his last words.
Chuck tries to jab at Piccolo, who just jumps onto the sword like the Cantonese prick from Kill Bill. Jack suddenly slices Piccolo’s feet off, causing him to land crotch first on the sword. He then slides off it and to the floor in pain. Alien suddenly tries to eat Frank up, but Chuck avoiding some of Zuko’s flame causes Alien to be set on fire. Jack then throws the machete at Alien’s face, causing it to fall back, dead.
The very pointy rock and the s**t filled bedpan are then thrown by Alucard at Chuck, who simply gets hit with the bed pan, but avoids the rock, which gets caught in between eyes of the teacher, who goes back, dead. Jack takes Jafar’s staff and uses it to swing at Freeza’s head, who simply dodges it, allowing the blunt object to hit James Woods and taking him down, heavily bleeding.
Deadman suddenly takes over the dead Joker and uses a dart gun with a deadly dart needle to fire at Frank, who simply goes back, again, matrix style, but mid-way, he simply falls to the ground, causing the dart to hit the laser that caused the TV characters to appear. Those still alive, Zuko, Deadman in the Joker, Alucard, Vegeta, Freeza, Hans Gruber (injured), and James Woods (injured), suddenly disappear in a white, bright light which engulfs everybody and everything in the room. When it disappears, only a blood strained Deathshot, Chuck, and Frank are seen, as well as all the dead bodies of the people who died on this valiant day.
Frank: Well that was invigorating!
Chuck: I agree, a good time saver.
Deathshot: Time to go kick Ian’s ass!
He takes the machete out of the now charred Alien’s head, while Chuck takes the Telutubby’s shotgun, and Frank takes the dart gun that Joker/Deadman had.
After deciding what weapon they want, and taking off there shirts to look like manly men, they then walk into the door that Ian took in order to find….
….a giant orc type monster, which takes its giant claw and grabs the head of Frank.
Deathshot: Not another brother!
Jack shrugs and throws the machete at the orc’s face, landing in between its eyes. When hit, the orc thing just stands there, as if not affected at all.
Orc: What, what was that?
Nobody says anything, nor does anything, they just stand there.
Orc: *Sigh* F**k it, just, f**k it, this is not what I signed up for.
He then sets Frank down and then proceeds to grab a Fedora hat, putting it on, and then a briefcase, exiting from the hallway and then through the door they came through. He suddenly comes back, taking the machete out of its skull and handing it to Deathshot.
Orc: You might need this.
The Orc then exits from the hallway. The trio looks each other with a look of confusion and awkwardness. With a shrug from all three of them, they rush on towards the end of the hallway. When they reach it, they kick open the door and Ian is seen in a chair, talking to the five shadows from earlier.
Shadow 1: We want your company Ian, and we’re willing to kill anybody to get it.
Shadow 5: Wait, isn’t that those two guys that Ian was trying to stop from interfering in his plans?
Ian turns around with a look of shock, surprise, and a little bit of annoyance.
Ian: Oh come on! If the TV characters weren’t enough, how did you get past the giant orc?
Frank: Not even we know dude!
Shadow 1: What orc? You sent an orc to stop them?
Ian: Oh shut up! Just, just give me a minute here!
Mokuba: Save me brother!
The second shadow suddenly smacks Mokuba’s head, who’s currently on a leash and sitting next to the second shadow.
Shadow 2: Penguins don’t speak English!
Ian turns around in his chair to face the trio.
Ian: *Sigh* I promised you freedom, so why didn’t you leave?
Deathshot: Because we want to stop your f**king annoyance from interfering with my career. I mean seriously, every other f**king RP you have to get your bat s**t nose involved with what ever f**king thing I’m doing with my f**king life. Do I have to get a f**king restraining order on your ass or something?
Shadow 5: Ah s**t he’s owning your white ass!
Shadow 1: Quiet Johnson…
With another sigh, Ian turns back around to the five shadows. He takes out a card and then puts it in a slot below the screen the five shadows are on. The card appears in the screen as the first shadow takes it and looks over it.
Shadow 1: It was pleasure doing business with you Ian; nice to know you didn’t resist getting taking over.
Shadow 3: And after I was ready to go into court.
Ian scoots his chair out and then gets up out of it. He clicks the screen off and then walks over towards the group, taking something out of his pocket and handing it to Deathshot…
…it’s a CD.
Ian: Take it; it has everything you need to know about everything. Your wife’s murder, the murderers, your brother’s murder, everything you’ve been through in the past few years, it’s all on there.
Deathshot’s look of anger suddenly turns to sadness.
HHH: Wait, it was you?
Ian: I’ve been following you for a long time Jack, and now, now I’m going to take me leave.
He walks past the trio, heading out towards where they just came from.
As soon as Ian leaves, Chuck and Frank start to leave.
Frank: Hey bro, you comin?
HHH: Yeah, give me a minute.
He’s just staring at the CD as the other two leave. Suddenly, and pretty much randomly, the screen comes on, revealing the five shadows with Mokuba still tied up. His eyes are wide, and HHH suddenly puts his finger to his mouth, and he calms back down.
Shadow 1: It worked! We now have control over Ian’s company, every little bit of it.
Shadow 3: And all we had to do was make it seem like it was that easy.
Shadow 2: If there’s one thing I love more than penguins, it’s cheating out another evil ass hole.
Shadow 1: Yes….and it’s pretty f**ked up honestly how we lured that Jack Hunter, a random wrestler just starting out, into trying to find out who killed his wife, his brother, and basically stalked him all these years.
Shadow 3: Classic reaction…
Shadow 1: Yes…
He evil chuckles a bit before noticing the screen’s on.
Shadow 1: Oh s**t!
Shadow 2: Turn it off!
Shadow 4: I-am-a robot!
Shadow 3: Yes we got it the first thousand times you said it!
Shadow 5: Turn that s**t off!
The screen suddenly goes black again and Hardhead looks at the CD with a look of anger. He then sighs once more and heads out of the building.
THE NEXT DAY
Hawaiian Hardhead, back at his home, and fixed up in normal dad clothes, is sitting in his living room with the CD in his hand. His daughter, Stephanie walks up, now 16.
Stephanie: I’m taking the car out to meet Alicia at the arena!
HHH: Call me when you’re done!
Steph heads out the door, outside.
Stephanie: Mail’s here!
Is last what she shouts as she exits. Drake, his son, now 18, comes down some stairs wearing a nice leather jacket.
Drake: I’m taking the chopper out to see the Boss play.
HHH: Tell me how it goes!
Drake heads out the door, but says one more thing.
Drake: Mail’s here!
The last thing we here before a silence is a motorcycle riding off.
After everybody left and the silence starts, HHH looks at the CD, front and back, before ripping it in two and throwing it in a nearby trashcan. He then gets up, opens the door, and then grabs the mail before heading back inside. He goes into the dining room and sits in a random seat. Looking at the mail, he skips through some junk mail before stopping at a curious white envelope marked “For Jack”. Hardhead opens up the envelope and finds some money and a note, and on this note it reads.
“Dear Jack,
I know what you’ve been through, and I apologize for it. I have given you some money, all of what I have left. By the time you are reading this, I have died. The reason being is that I have commit suicide. I have learned that my life isn’t worth living. So, don’t mourn me, just take the 50 dollars and walk away, rip this up for all I care. I just want you to know that I’m sorry for everything I’ve done to you in these past few years.
Goodbye Jack
Ian”
HHH looks at the envelope, then the money, then the note. He tosses it aside for now before skipping a magazine and looking another envelope, this one marked “HHH”. Curious, Hardhead opens it and finds another note.
“Dear HHH,
I am well aware of talent you possess outside wrestling ring, as well as what you go through on regular basis and for that, I am offering you proposition. Come work for me. I can guarantee you will receive substantial cash benefits, and your family will be safe, and also that you will still work for XWF, and will be able to arrive to your matches on time. What type of job I offer to you? Well my future comrade, the only thing suitable enough to fit man like you: crime fighting. In envelope you will find number to call if you wish to accept offer. I will personally accept such call if you do decide to accept. I will tell you once that it might be in best interest for you to accept, Mr. Hardhead.
Sincerely,
Vladimir
P.S. Call 1-800 first, before number given. My secretary forgot to do so herself before sending envelope.”
Hardhead looks over everything in front of him before sighing and heading towards a phone and dialing 1-800, then taking the number and dialing that.
HHH: Hey, is this Vladimir?
Person on Other Side: No, please, call me Johnson.
The voice sounded exactly like the fifth shadow.
Then…
…the credits hit.
“My Legacy Will Never Die”
I made the fa-ans cheer
The words you don’t wanna hear
You look at me and it reminds you
I am the next stint
To make you feel like the second
You can't deny what is inside you
Well I know it's hard to see
What is meant to be
To find out, orgy between you two
Deep inside your soul knows you’re both gonna lose
You may have held a World Title, but this is the final time
My legacy will never die
You both will now fall
And when you both crawl past the line
My legacy will never die
This prize I have earned
And as you both have learned
I’m Deathshot b***h and I will not fail
I would say you both can’t please
It’s not cause you’re Japanese
It’s cause you both went off the trail
Deep inside your soul knows you’re both gonna lose
All three all of us aren’t friends, and at the end of the night
My legacy will never die
The title held u-up high
As if I-I’m touching the sky
My legacy will never die
Whenever I stayed f**ked
Whenever I gave up
That’s all for nothing at all
The ring that I will hold
The title that’s still gold
After 10 years, I will hold it up for you all
The time has come for you to sleep, and look deep in my mind
My legacy will never die
Nobody can stop me
Nobody will drop me outside
My legacy will never die
I’ll raise up my glass, after I kicked your ass that’s right
My legacy will never die
The time it took me to rise
All the good men had died
My legacy will never die
The credits then fade out with the final words being…
“Finally…” – The Rock
